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  • The Archer

Why Do We Get Married?

Boy #18 CHAI BOY TIME. When you date your 18th your relatives all send you checks for $180 except your relatives who actually have money who send checks for $18 because having money makes people worse.

I had seen this boy's (we're going to call him Stupid Name because he had a stupid nickname) resume around and a friend brought him up to me as he was her cousin by marriage. Friends suggest guys for you. Best friends sit at their wedding analyzing their new cousins and call you during Sheva Brachos to arrange the date.

But, at that time it didn't seem like it was meant to be and I said no.

A year later (this is 2017) my life had changed as had my goals for marriage. My goal at the time was get married so I could quit my job. As mentioned in previous posts I was in a miserable job in 2017 and my marriage fantasy mostly involved me handing in my notice.

There are many reasons girls get married and to leave a job just happened to be my reason at the time. Here are some others:

  • shabbos plans-it gets exhausting to cook and plan meals with groups of friends or travel to a family every week. Marriage is compromise but mostly marriage is the ability to have a soup meal on Friday night and go to bed early-but if you're married you aren't doing that alone.

  • two incomes-When you're at the store and the top you wanted isn't on sale but it looks amazing the two income thing sounds nice (until tuitions come in)

  • I got tired of my roommate-roommates! The classic pre shidduch shidduch date. You live with them and go through your lives together but sometimes it doesn't work out and you want a new situation. How about a roommate that you also have children with?

  • So I could move to the suburbs-I keep taking vacations to the suburbs, which are really just other major cities that don't feel big to me anymore because I got snobby and New Yorky. But guys, in other cities there are things like washers and dryers in unit, backyards, single family houses, apartments and houses built after 1952, showers with normal streams of water, bathtubs, multiple bathrooms, dog free houses/buildings, and parking spots available 24/7. Half the time I dream about getting married I dream about washing one skirt when it's dirty and not saving quarters and clothes for a big load. My porn in Zillow house hunting.

  • So my older siblings don't ask me to babysit anymore-I don't have this one but I've heard from people, especially people at the tail ends of big families, that often the older siblings will treat the younger siblings as built in babysitters for when they come to visit. I had planned to do that to my siblings until I got the karmic payback of all of them getting married before me.

  • Because I had a really cute couples costume idea-I have run out of single costume ideas. I need to move into my couples costume, and eventually, family costume stage. For this I need a man.

  • Because I work at a Frum company and I wanted a raise-This one sounds like someone's sleeping with their boss. No, it's not that! It's that Frum companies often pay people more if they're married. Which is also terrible!

  • Taxes and health insurance-you know you are single when you and your best friend get into a serious conversation about getting legally Lesbian married so you can save on taxes and get actual health insurance that lets you see a doctor. The money you save can be used for your inevitable divorce.

  • No more finding dates-and I don't mean shidduch dates. I just want someone who has to come to the movies with me because it said so on our ketubah.

  • I bought this shirt at Target for my future child and I need the child to wear the shirt.

Let's ask the boys why they are getting married:

  • ........Sex. That's it.

But meanwhile the erstwhile young Archer needed to leave her job so she began being a bit less selective, hoping that Prince Charming would save her from having to tell her boss she wanted to quit.

So, when Stupid Name came up again I gave a resounding yes, this time to friends of his who I shared a Shabbos meal with.

And it was fine.

No spectacular story, no crazy situation. 3 nice dates where we grabbed dinner, played minigolf and talked about our high school pranks. We liked each other enough but realized on the third date that though we enjoyed sharing our fun stories with each other, neither of us felt a connection or any reason to continue. Also, I refused to call him by the name he preferred to be called by because I thought it was stupid. That can hurt a relationship.

So now I was single again, back at the miserable job.

I got it together to quit and hold on to some savings until I found a new job where I would be happy for 3.5 years. I worked on my own happiness unrelated to work or relationships and found contentment. I found hobbies and a new apartment where I didn't have to share with 600 nursing mice. why do I want to get married?

Looking back at Stupid Name, I don't have regrets. He's happily married (according to his wife's insta always believe the insta) and I'm happy for him.

But, was I really dating when I was just dating to be able to leave my job or move out from my apartment?

I honestly don't think I actually started dating until I found my own fulfilment-in my job, with friends, and in my self.

And in that I was able to see why I want to get married:

To continue my own self actualization with the person next to me who will challenge me and allow me to be more of who I am while I challenge him and build him into the person he will become.

And also to move to the suburbs and have a place with in unit washer/dryer.

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