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  • The Archer

When You Give A Girl A Ring

I spend most of my shabboses with my beautiful friends and their wonderful families. I love meeting my friends children and having a pretend tea party or figuring out diplomatic relations between their stuffed animals. I also love reading kids books to them. Some of the books I remember from my childhood-all of which are way more problematic than I remember. And some books are created for these children who are so tiny that their generation has yet to be named.

I also spend a lot of time thinking about the time when I will get engaged. Being the specific type of crazy that I am, I have everything planned out. It started to almost sound like a Dr. Seuss or other poetry book in my head as I played it out. But most of all it sounded like "When You Give a Mouse A Cookie." So, for you my dearest readers, here is "When You Give A Girl A Ring."

When you give a girl a ring

she'll need to take a cute picture

to show all her friends and mental health professionals

that she locked down a man

In the picture she'll notice that

the rock doesn't look as big as it does in real life

so they'll have to take a few different shots

so everyone understands what a massive rock she got

After they take the pictures she will have to call her family

If they do not each cry she will stay on the phone with them until she has made them cry

If they do not sound happy enough she will pick a horrible color for their gowns

Like eggplant

After she calls her family she will move to the list of the top five favorite people in her life

On that list is Taylor Swift

Since she does not have Taylor's number she will tweet her

While she is on Twitter she will check that no major world events are getting in the way of HER DAY

If there are major world events, they will delay the engagement to a day that is only about her

When she is on Twitter she will see her list of followers

This will remind her of her list of people she has to call

She wrote the list in 2013 and has been editing the order ever since

If anyone were to read it, it would be bad

She begins to call everyone, starting with her friends who are still single because that's common courtesy and working her way down from there

All of this talking makes her hungry for more attention

So she selects a picture for Instagram, Facebook, and Whatsapp

She pulls a carefully chosen Taylor Swift quote she picked out years earlier

There were many quotes in the running and she had her friends vote on them

She also remembers to mentions Hashem and #blessed for branding purposes

All of this attention makes her want to put on a pretty dress

She goes to her closet and puts on her vort dress she bought in 2014

Due to being 30 lbs heavier than she was in 2014 it no longer fits

So she wears a nice Shabbos dress instead

She goes downstairs to take more pictures

Now that she is in a pretty dress

While there she notices her sister's engagement pictures on the desk.

She puts them in a drawer to prepare the desk for new pictures

(She has been thinking about doing that for 5 years)

Organizing the desk makes her think about organizing the wedding

She opens up her phone to check her planner

Her phone knows she is engaged because it listens to everything she says and sends her 14 different ads for shoes that could potentially be worn in the same year as a wedding

She buys them all because her mom gave her a credit card to be used for Kallah purposes and this is definitely Kallah purposes

While she is buying the shoes she notices her siddur app

Which reminds her she needs to daven Mincha

She makes sure to do it in a spot where lots of the people in her house will notice her

And make comments about how her pure devotion to G-D led her to this day

(and hopefully someone will get a picture, so she can do a Thank You Hashem post on Instagram later)

After she davens she remembers that an engagement involves two people

She locates her chosson with the tracker app she put on his phone

He is watching Football and has texted all three of his friends to let them know

She makes a note in her phone to read that book about how men and women are very different

Her phone buzzes again to announce that people are arriving to her vort

So she goes upstairs to give each one a hug and let them know that she could not have gotten engaged without them

Is this true? Probably not

But it makes everyone give tighter better hugs

While at her vort she grabs a cookie

which reminds her that her diet for the wedding should have started yesterday

she puts it off until tomorrow

(tomorrow has been every day for the last 56 days)

Eating a cookie reminds her that she needs cookbooks

If she is going to make her man dinner every night

It also reminds her she is going to need to convert him from someone who says supper to someone who says dinner

She texts her friend who is making her shower to confirm she is getting recipes

She thinks about the instagram posts she will make the one time, about two weeks into the marriage, when she cooks an aesthetically pleasing dinner

This makes her check the likes on the post of her ring from earlier

She takes another picture of the ring

Because when you give a girl a ring

She's going to need a picture to go with it

*HAHAHA If I actually shared 90% of the things I'm thinking about right now this blog would be on the dark web and all of you would be institutionalized

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