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  • The Archer

What I Wish I'd Done

Sometimes those of us who are hyper organized need to take a moment and appreciate spreadsheets. Spreadsheets are the greatest. When I open this blog to write the first thing I do is go to my "to all the boys I've loved before" spreadsheet and scan the rows for information.

When I started dating I thought it would be over quickly. I also thought that I would remember every detail. I do have a great memory but eventually, the trips to Dave and Buster's start to all run together.

Two days earlier I was sent a resume of a guy. I know I've seen this resume before, it's a striking name. I cannot remember if I said no to him, if he said no to me, if we were both busy, if one of us was busy, if I was going on strike to force Hashem to get me married, if I looked into him, anything. Nada. Zilch. I have a dear friend who helps me look into shidduchim. One time I gave her a resume and she made some calls and then called me and said "I think I looked into this guy for you a year ago." Inefficiencies like that BOTHER ME because they can easily be solved with a spreadsheet. We could also solve the Middle East and global warming with a spreadsheet, fyi.

So here is a rundown of what I suggest for every person in their dating journey. I know this sounds insane but worse comes to worse, you make it and you only use it once. I wish that on all of you. If you make it and find yourself 6.5 years later still adding to it, you'll be glad you had it. It can help if you write a blog about dating.

  1. Open a spreadsheet

  2. Call the spreadsheet something fun like "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Single Life" or "Mo-an-no-wanna date for a long time" or "HASHEM PLEASE." Or "HASHEM IM SORRY." Or "Chemistry 101-there is no chemistry because the budget for the science teacher was spent on air conditioning when the students figured out how to adjust the thermostat."

  3. Make a tab called "Dates"

  4. In that tab include the names of boys, where they are from, who suggested them to you, if they were a good date, how many dates you went on, if you later heard they got married, who are they married to and how much money do they make. I also like to include a column of what I feel I learned from each date. There is also a way to do this that is more intense where you make each row taller and include where the boy took you, what he did and said. This could be helpful if his name ever comes up again. You should also write in who said no and why. If he said no to you write in why you were going to end it anyway so you can take back the power. That's feminism ladies.

  5. Make a tab called "Shadchans"

  6. In this tab: All shadchans have basically the same names. Write down the name of each shadchan you speak to, her contact info, if you spoke on the phone or in person, if she has made suggestions to you and how on target those suggestions were. This way if you ever end up being old and sad like me you can send 100 shadchans a text for them to all ignore you (read more in or in )

  7. Make a Tab called "Suggestions"

  8. In this tab enter the name of the person suggested, who suggested it, and the outcome. If there was something you encountered doing research, write that down. Link to his resume if you can. Write it all down.

That way you don't get stuck like me texting a boy on an erev shabbos that I am 99% sure I have texted before. This also gives you a huge database of people so that you can try to make shidduchim of your own. Help your friends out and take a look back at this every once in a while. A very wise woman once told me the worst thing anyone can say is "no." I think the worst thing anyone can say is "Have you tried not being depressed?" but I get her point. Go out on a limb, armed with your information, for yourself and for your friends. Once you have all the information organized in a spreadsheet it won't be hard to do.

And that's how spreadsheets just solved the Shidduch Crisis (catastrophe) (disaster) (global pandemic) (unprecedented time.)

Post Script: Can I continue to write emails saying "I hope you are doing well in these unprecedented times" and if anyone is like "what unprecedented times?" I'll be like "The shidduch crisis."

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