• The Archer

What I've Been Looking For

Though I have stepped back from attending dating events I am obviously still going to make fun of them. This week I got an email-and no, I still don't know how they find me-for a special kind of event.


Hi,

Hope all is well.


We are excited to announce that we will be hosting A GIRLS'S DAY OUT EVENT this upcoming REDACTED!! Our event is geared toward girls in shidduchim to have a fun day of networking, shopping and Inspiration! At our event you will learn fashion tips with REDACTED and makeup tips from REDACTED for date night! Additionally, you will learn self care during dating with REDACTED.


The event cost is $36, though we are offering a discounted rate of $18 to our participants who attended REDACTED events. If you bring a friend you both can receive the event for $18 by giving your friend a code of REDACTED. If you cannot attend in person, we are also offering a Zoom option for $10 so you don't have to miss out on our wonderful event.

Attached please see the flyer.


So this is where we have landed. We cannot get these nebbuch disgusting over twenty-one year olds married but they can still have value to the Jewish people by being exploited for their disposable income.

I always wanted to be loved for my money just...not this way.


I also want to know where in the Torah it says that Jewish organizations should use two exclamation points at the end of the sentence. If someone can point it out for me I will switch my custom because obviously I want to follow the Torah. If what I suspect is true however and it isn't anywhere in the Torah I think we should add it to the Torah as something deserving of the death penalty. The one where we make you swallow melted lead.


Also, when did we start capitalizing inspiration? Is it capitalized because a literal G-Dly voice is going to come down from heaven and inspire us?


But now we come to the important part: we are all obviously single because we wear disgusting clothes, put eyeliner on our lips and lipstick behind our ears like animals, and never ever take care of ourselves and always subject the poor boys to our horrible stressed out faces and feelings.


I'm glad to know the problem. Of course I am going to sign up for this wonderful event so I can be taught by the premiere randos that are conspiring to get my money how to best dress myself (I assume my stomach should stick out?) how to wear makeup ( since these are frum women I hope I might get shown the value of brightly colored eye shadow and how to wear 8 layers of foundation without shading my neck) and how to not appear to have a personality on the date.


Self care for women has risen dramatically over the last few years. Has anyone considered that in the 1950s women didn't need self care because they didn't have to raise the children, cook the children in their bodies, run the household, make 90% of the income (that's generous. 100%) and be the emotional support to an emotionally crippled man child? I like the spa well enough but I would like a life partner who takes some stuff off of my plate way freaking more.


Very innocent question: is self care during dating cutting oneself while talking to a shadchan? Is it gorging on 2 pints of ice cream after every date? Is it going to the adult section of Amazon?


Of course, we also get to spend money in order to spend more money. I'm sure that after the $36 entrance fee there will also be clothes to buy and makeup to mortgage your house for. BUT if you gave them money before or bring a friend to give them even more money, you can get in for cheap. What do they call that again?


A Multi Level Marketing Scheme or a Pyramid Scheme.

And don't worry, all of the presenters have their Instagram handles on the flyer. IYH they should grow to Torah, Chuppah and 100K followers, that's what they say at kiddushes now. And the presenters are all married and wearing makeup and clothes and aren't in mental hospitals so they must have covered all the bases while they were dating.


I'm glad someone has finally taken initiative to tell me to my face that I'm badly dressed, ugly, and overly stressed and that's why I'm not married. It also takes the whole "G-D runs the world" thing out of the picture which is exactly where we seem to be headed.


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