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  • The Archer

Top Ten Ways Guys Park On Dates

This was suggested by a friend-so shout out to her.

  1. The Overachiever: This guy needs to show you how perfect he is by getting into the 6x4 spot with his 8x5 car on the first try. In order to do this he's got to stop, say Neilah, give a karbon, change into his workout clothes, call his therapist and somehow get his entire body to lean on your seat without touching you. Have you been wanting to know what his tongue looks like? You're in luck-it's going to be hanging from his mouth as he concentrates. There's a bigger spot a block down the road but he's got to prove something here. Is he compensating for something? Let's hope you get to find out.

  2. The Frummy: He's reversing into a spot but-oh no! He can't turn his head to the right because you're there and his Rebbe told him he needs to be sure to keep three feet of distance from you at all times. So instead he has unlatched his neck like an owl and is fully dangling his detached head into the backseat in order to see behind him. Hashem loves this. This is what He pictured when he made the world.

  3. The Techno Wiz: He has a car that parks itself. While the car is doing its holy work he is going to tell you all of the other things that the car does. For example did you know that cars can also play music? And here is the incredible deal he got for the car isn't that great? Wow, the car only took 45 minutes to park itself, truly technology is saving lives.

  4. The Rich Man: he doesn't even look for street parking-he's going straight to the lot. He tips the attendant before and after he gets the car. He's going to make some comment like '$50 for half an hour? So cheap!" So that you know how rich he is. Honestly marry this guy, all men suck you may as well have a sucky husband who takes you to Greece for Pesach.

  5. The Poor Man: He's been circling for 85 minutes and there are no spots so he's going to have to park in a lot. He tries to give the attendant a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon that was in his dashboard instead of tipping. His credit card gets declined twice and he eventually pays with debit. He is going to make comments under his breath about how expensive dating is for the remainder of the date. He will ask you if you mind only getting coffee at the restaurant. He will not tip the waiter.

  6. The Risk Taker: He's parking in a bus lane in front of a hydrant on a holiday weekend when a parade is in town. He shrugs and says "it's fine." He's living on the edge. If he had his way he would have picked you up for the date on a motorcycle.

  7. The Avoider: He is going to drive you all the way to Lakewood for coffee because he is not emotionally prepared to park his car in a real place. Your date will be seven hours long.

  8. The Child: He still lives with his parents and doesn't have a car yet. He's going to leave you at the bus stop to fend for yourself. He's looking for another mommy more than a wife.

  9. The Secret Keeper: His friend's ex's cousin knew about this spot in front of this building that's reserved for tenants but they never check. It's his secret go-to on all dates. He doesn't want anyone to know where to find it though because then he may lose it so he drops you off three blocks away and meets you when he's finished parking.

  10. The Feminist: Women can do anything. So uh, would you mind driving on this date? I'm just looking for a girl who's really going to understand that I cannot do a single thing for myself. You have brothers, you get it.

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