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  • The Archer


Recently I've been going on dates with guys who are more my speed. This is because I've adjusted my own self view and my expectations. I'm still not getting anywhere though because these guys are not emotionally available. They think they are, of course, but they are all looking for something that doesn't exist outside of the circus.

The tightrope walker.

The tightrope walker is the kind of girl you see in the movies. Honestly, she may be the girl who I post on social media but she isn't me or any of my friends or anyone I've ever met. I'm not sure she exists outside of our Lord and Savior Taylor Swift who, of course, can be anything she wants because she is perfect.

The tightrope walker has it all. These boys think they are open because they don't necessarily want a blonde haired blue eyed size zero babe. But what they are looking for is just as elusive and impossible.

What do I mean by this? Everyone is looking for a girl who:

Orders pasta or steak because ugh, those girls who only order salad are so annoying! That being said, She's not bigger than a 4 and she shouldn't spend more than an hour a day in the gym because that's psychotic.

She's also curvy but with no stomach. Magically, all of her fat goes only to the good places. It's a miracle that you expect every single time.

Watches all the fun bro movies and shows and can quote them but doesn't let the R rated content affect her at all. She's still demure and lovely, she just laughs at your jokes.

Has a job, loves her job, makes serious money from her job, but has time for hobbies and endless meandering dates and to cook a three course dinner every night.

Is an amazing cook but is still a bro who doesn't spend all day in the kitchen.

Likes sports but recognizes that you are the sports god and she doesn't really understand what's going on. She also understands that the commentators, players, and coaches don't really get the game. Only you, modox yeshiva guy from the Bronx, fully understand football.

Has a relationship with Hashem that is pure and unproblematic but is absolutely fine with whatever level of Judaism you feel like that day.

She's a great talker on dates and out, you never have to worry about her getting along with anyone, but at home she just wants to listen to you or to sit in silence.

She dresses so well. She's also tznius but somehow also hot and also classy.

She knows all the politics from both ends of the spectrum but is either apolitical or is totally in line with your views. She can debate with you or your friends but will always concede.

You get the picture. So I keep getting rejected on the basis of personality by guys who seem to be having a nice time on the date. I comb through my memories trying to discern what I did wrong. Obviously I'm the one in the wrong, despite the thousands of dollars I have poured into my own self improvement. And I'm able to find what I did wrong: I ordered dessert, I let a curse word slip, I corrected him on a baseball stat. And then I think "well he ordered dessert, he cursed, or at least told me he watches some insanely R rated TV show, he corrected me on football. So what?"

Silly Archer.

You are expecting to be treated as an equal. In this religion!

You've forgotten that while you're looking for someone who can manage to walk down a sidewalk without falling off, all of your dates are looking for a tightrope walker. And you're clumsy and brash and would be a far better clown than acrobat.

Now, obviously the dates are great. You pick up on his signals and you volley right back. You flirt, you feel a connection. And then the floor is yanked out when he says "I just didn't feel it."

You can review all your little mistakes. It doesn't matter though, he's find a mistake no matter what. And he believes he's open because he's not one of the guys that will only date rich/nose jobbed girls. But there's more to being open than allowing yourself to date a brunette. There's an understanding that everyone has flaws and you may even see those flaws on the first date. But we're more than our perceived "flaws." We're each complicated and deep and struggling and hoping that our own personal tightropes will expand to balance beams, or sidewalks, or hallways.

So, if any of you know of any guys who are willing to let go, just a little, give me a call. Till then I'm dating the pitching staff of a national league ball team and it is lovely.

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