• The Archer

Thought Bubbles In My Mind

There was a show I adored called Crazy Ex Girlfriend which none of you should watch because it is very inappropriate (or maybe it isn't. Maybe it just treats women in media the way that men have always been treated. HOT TAKE.) But also you should all definitely hop on Netflix and watch it. Heck, I'm going to watch an episode.


*45 minutes and one knitted baby hat later*


But what I really came here to say is in the show CXG there is a song-wait, I forgot to mention that it is a MUSICAL SHOW and now you absolutely MUST watch it-that I think about when I bike. It goes:


Thought bubbles in my mind

Popping those bubbles from time to time

Oh I can't be alone with my thoughts


Which reflects how I feel a lot of the time, that I want to avoid popping any scary thought bubbles.


But when I bike, I pop all the thought bubbles. Biking is perfect for random thoughts. Way better than running: you cover more ground so there is more fun scenery, you have moments you can just coast, your entire body isn't screaming in terrible pain, and your boobs don't hit you in the face. I despise running. And jogging. Parkour is ok.


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So this week, when I was biking, I, I kid you not, had this thought fly into my head:

When they count the bible as the best selling book of all time does that count the chumash with that one commentary that my middle school teacher wanted us to have that I opened once?

Does it count my brother's sefarim? Like when he buys a (at this point reader, I, the writer, not the biker, texted said brother for a sefer name. Do not text and bike. Brother responded Sifsei Chaim) Sifsei Chaim does that count as the bible? It really isn't the bible though. It also is exactly the bible.

Speaking of that chumash with that one commentary that the Judaica store had to buy specifically because because one teacher wanted us to have a certain commentary that we used once-where is it? Is it in my parents' house? Are they going to want me to take it if I ever get engaged? Because I don't think I want to take it. If I don't take it are they going to do a weird revenge thing in their will if they ever G-D forbid die that's like

Kid #1 $1,000,000

Kid #2 $1,000,000

The Archer: That Sefer

(Writing and not biking Archer here again. I am Kid #1 in my family but it is funnier this way. So I used humor license SUE ME. And now that I've used the word license I would like to say I got my humor license last week just like we always talked about. Ok back to biking Archer:)

I hope they use all these sefarim when they count the bible's sales rate. I bet they don't and I bet if they did it would go wayyyy up. Cause also I think the bible needs the help didn't I read an article that said 50 Shades of Grey outsold the Bible (writing Archer again. I googled this. The Bible is winning by BILLIONS. It does not need the help. The Qu'aran is second and Book of Mormon is third so those Mormon door knockers need to work harder. The 50 Shades of Grey thing was some click bait thing about modern novels or search traffic or something that made it seem like 50 Shades has sold more books. It hasn't. It's the 25th most best selling series ever, and they made all this clickbait about it when they hit 100 million and I got CONFUSED. Also I think it's time for a dark confession: I never read 50 Shades and everyone thinks I have but the grammar and the whole not having an editor thing really bother me AMONG OTHER CONCERNS. Obviously. Except sometimes in Target if my sister was taking forever looking at clothes I would grab a copy from the front and read it out loud and then we would have to leave Target for my bad behavior. But also when I picked it up in those instances and flipped to random pages it seemed like a book about transportation. She was in a car, then she was in a nice car, then she was in a really nice car, then she was in a plane, then a helicopter. I did not notice much else. Back to biking Archer:)and doesn't it say something so terrible about our contributions to female culture and female-centric content that this is the book all the women gravitated towards even though it is so badly written? It's almost as if women have been ignored throughout all of history and that's why the women's health industry is so terrible-

-At this point I saw a Hispanic gentleman in a "I support Israel" t-shirt and I interrupted my thought bubble to say "YEAH ISRAEL!" but I was going pretty fast so then this thought bubble started:

Uh oh. What if I was going too fast for him to hear me and he thinks I said something nasty about Israel and I get arrested for doing a hate crime to the wrong side? Speaking of, I'm glad there are so many police out today and that my skirt flies up from the wind (while on the bike, it's a thing.) so no one can tell I'm Jewish. IS THAT MAN HOLDING A VAT OF ACID??? IS HE GOING TO ACID ME FOR BEING JEWISH? Nope, he just drank from it, it's just a water bottle that could also be a newborn bath. Ok. Cool.


I continued to bike for a few hours and eventually, as sometimes happens, my chain came loose. I had a lot of thought bubbles about this experience but I think it is better explained narratively. The last time this happened I was home because of Corona and not wanting to make my own Seder or ride in a New York City Ambulance/Body Freezer.


I never learned to fix my own chain. When I rode as a child I would sometimes break the chain and I'd call my dad over to fix it. He would say "well I guess that's enough bike riding for the day" (codename for we are going inside I'm dying of heat but I have to watch you all bike as part of my G-D given parenting responsibilities) and then the next week, it would be fixed. Since I didn't see the bike in between these sessions, I assumed that it was a process to fix the chain and that my father used some combinations of tools from his tool box, the pilot light, and the electricity panel in the basement, since these were his areas of expertise.


So, the last time my chain broke, I called my brother to fix it (he was also home due to Corona) and he came and laughed at my inability to fix my own chain. I realized at this time that calling a man to save me was also probably eroding the framework of feminism and that because of me we would have to go back to Mad Men times (I binged Mad Men during Corona) and the next day my responsibilities would include bringing my boss coffee and then whiskey at happy hour, which would be at 11 am ( #thefiftieswerewild.) Then I felt sad because I like my job and having opportunities to one day lean in and be a boss ass bitch.


Flash forward to yesterday. My chain has broken. My brother is 29.2 miles away, which, in New York, means it will take him 6 months to get to me.


I have to fix my chain myself.


And I did it. No Dad, no brother. Just me.


Feminism is back you guys.


This made me think about Mad Men again and what a shame it was that I met Jon Hamm when I did.


I know-I MET JOHN HAMM. STAR OF MAD MEN AND EXPERT OF DAY DRINKING.


I was 18 and newly graduated from high school and he filmed a movie in my neighborhood. I went with some friends to watch the action from outside. Afterwards he came out and shook each of our hands and looked deep into our eyes and thanked us for supporting this movie. It was the most intimate experience I have had to this day and it was only eye contact.


18 year old me said and I quote: Hi! I don't watch you on Mad Men because it is too inappropriate for me but I loved you on 30 Rock!


Archer. Little baby Archer. Big adult Archer has some news for you: One day there will be a global pandemic (yes, like that movie, but more political) and you will binge all of Mad Men in 5 weeks (before it got taken from Netflix) while doing puzzles so aggressively that your back and knees go into spasms. You will fall deeply in love with Jon Hamm (and John Slattery Goddamit. I know he's old.) during this time and this is the time, probably the only time you are meeting Jon Hamm. You are 18. WHY ARE YOU NOT GOING FOR IT.


Then I had the thought bubble of: Wow am I glad I didn't embarrass myself harder by going for it with my 18 year old acne and beis yaakov t-shirt and sweaty humidity hair from sitting outside all day and the wrong bra size on (I will never own a bra in the right size it's just a fact, they are different sizes in the store and at home. And I have an amazing bra lady and they're still not normal looking in pictures and I'm blaming the bra. Whatever, it's fine.)





The point is that it's good to get out under the sun, get your heart racing, pop some thought bubbles, and solve feminism. It may not help you date, it may not solve any of your problems but it sure leads down some interesting roads.


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