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  • The Archer

The Tell Tale Realization

Updated: Jan 19, 2021

Too soon into my dating life I realized that not only Timing Isn't Everything , but there would be larger "coincidences" that wouldn't line up to a marriage. Life tends to throw me cool things: I met Daniel Radcliffe on the street, a homeless woman on a subway told me an earthquake would come if I didn't accept Jesus as my lord and savior and that afternoon NYC had its first earthquake in decades (coincidentally, I now celebrate Christmas), I find myself buying Haagen Dazs the week it happens to be 50% off. That last one might be skewed by the fact that I buy Haagen Dazs every week. So, I should have been more on guard when funny things started to happen in dating, and not assumed that this meant future husband material. But, I had been conditioned by movies, shows, books, songs, and elaborate Broadway musicals for long enough to know that everything means something (except when it doesn't) (sometimes a mouth organ is just a mouth organ.)

When I was 18 and still eons away from the highly ready-to-be-married twenty year old I would become (amazing how things can change in a year, right? Wrong.) a family friend suggested a guy for me. I was flattered but a little disturbed-couldn't this person tell that I was not across the magical border of date-ready that I had arbitrarily made for myself? Either way, I took the 3 details about this guy that she had told my mom and began to Google. 45 long seconds later I had found him. He was gorgeous and he was old, 10 years my senior. I had made another arbitrary rule for myself that I wouldn't date anyone more than 8 years 6 months and 24 days older than I, because that's the age difference between me and Robert Pattinson. Mental health issues: great for making arbitrary rules about your life that actually make a ton of sense in the rearview.

After my first date (catalogued in Harry Potter and the First Date) I discovered that, shockingly, it was hard to get resumes. All of the people who told me they had ideas for me disappeared when I actually was able to date those people. It had been a solid two weeks without anything! Desperate measures needed to be taken.

I know what you are thinking you guys, but I'm a Sagittarius! I can't help being both optimistic and impulsive. It can be a sticky combo in the dating world.

I signed up for my very first dating service, a reputable one that worked through matchmakers and took credit cards. After a few matches I rejected for various reasons, I saw a face I recognized.

It was him. The first guy I had ever been suggested 2 years earlier.

This was it.

Just imagine us, grey haired on a porch in Florida, surrounded by our grandchildren (who were all as hot as he was) telling them how grandpa was the very first idea that grandma had ever gotten. Also imagine that it's a large wraparound porch with amazing chairs and fans and I spend every day out there reading and spying on the neighbors. In the backyard there's a pool and I use it both to exercise and to relax and I'm the kind of effortless tanned that screams health and vitamin D. He's still working because he loves what he does and he makes enough money that I can run community organizations from my phone for free. In the kitchen there's takeout and an amazing dinner that I made because we are rich enough to have takeout every night but also I became a good cook somewhere in this fantasy.

Get the picture? Optimism can be a very dangerous outlook, especially when matched with a drop of kismet.

There was no question that this was the guy I would marry, because the way we had heard of each other was a Taylor Swift song waiting to happen. He had been waiting for me! I had been waiting 90 days for him! It was perfect!

He called to arrange the date and suggested a cafe near my dorm that wasn't actually Kosher but had coffee and Kosher desserts. Not sketchy at all. He also suggested we meet there. At the time, I thought this was guys being kind to me and not wanting me to deal with the indignities of dating from inside a dorm where I lived with 100 of my dearest friends. Really, this is laziness or the failure to give a girl the time and effort she deserves.

I got to the cafe early and discovered that it was a historical site, as it is where Edgar Allen Poe wrote many of his works when he lived in the neighborhood.

Ok, I quickly adjusted our future house in Florida to have a tiny little homage to Mr. Poe. I would kill a person (I think it's legal in Florida) and put their heart under a floorboard. Perfect. Fantasy continues.

He walked in and to this day remains the most attractive person I have ever dated.

Personality wise, not so much. He gave me 45 minutes of grilling to see if I liked the same pretentious bologna that he did and then took off. I did get to watch him walk away though and I will replay that in my mind forever.

I wasn't crushed, surprisingly. It was the first nice day of spring and I was finally getting my Vitamin D in and nothing can stop me once I'm loaded on that and that's not even an innuendo it's just the honest truth.

This was the day I learned that the stars can line up perfectly and all it means is that somewhere, Hercules is having to save Meg from Hades. It's not going to impact my life. I also learned that even though cafes that once served Edgar Allen Poe seem like a good idea they are always sketchy on Kashrus and will land you in hell where you belong.

I tend to be resilient, and make my daydreams easy enough to change. The man next to me on the porch in Florida was easily changeable, it's the house that's truly important.

I did mourn for that telltale heart under our floorboards though. It was a shame we wouldn't get to have such a fun and meaningful centerpiece in our home.

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