• The Archer

The Sun Will Come Out

I recently saw a video on TikTok that I can't be sure is true but it basically went through each birth month and the diseases you are most likely to get based on that birth month. The basic consensus of the video was:

If you are born during winter months you are screwed because your mom didn't get enough Vitamin D during her pregnancy

If you are born during summer months you are screwed because your mom didn't get enough Vitamin D at the beginning of her pregnancy.

Either way you are screwed.


Vitamin D is the vitamin we get from sunlight. It's why people in the north have a reputation for being short tempered-lack of Vitamin D causes irritability and depression. The trick to getting the most Vitamin D is to live in a place with lots of sunlight and uncover as much of your skin as possible to soak up the rays.


That's why Jewish women suffer from a notorious lack of Vitamin D-we're all covered up much of the time. Especially married women who wear head coverings and lose out on absorbing the vitamin through the sun on their scalps.


When the Jewish people originally immigrated to America in the 18 and 1900s they settled in New York since that's where the jobs were and it was a smart decision, as New York cemented its place as the center of the cultural and economic world. Yeshivos were set up in places not too far away like Lakewood, Baltimore, Queens, Monsey, and Philadelphia.


But that means that any self respecting girl who wants to get married has to live in New York in order to be close to the widest range of single men. Usually this is fine, the Christmas lights are phenomenal, summer in the city is an endless stream of serotonin, and while one is single they can experience the greatest cultural events on Earth.


But, there is a pattern that happens to me just about every year:

May-November-Going outside to read, biking, walking, enjoying everything.

November/December-It's cold but look at the Christmas stuff! So pwetty.

January-Wow winter went by fast and it really didn't get that cold

February-WHY DO I LIVE IN A FROZEN WASTELAND SOMEONE MURDER ME

March/April-HOW IS IT STILL A HIGH OF TWENTY???


Every year without fail I think I've gotten through the worst of it. I'll hit January 31 and think that spring is right around the corner-and then the Vitamin D crash really sets in.


I've been staying inside for the past few weeks due to the piles of brownish greyish snow all over the ground. I made an amateur city mistake and walked through a shallow looking puddle while wearing sneakers that turned out to be knee deep and now I have to amputate both of my feet.


Wanted: Boy who will date a footless sad girl.


I amuse myself during these times by looking up the mortgages for houses in places like Dallas, Phoenix, and Las Vegas where I could live in a 2 story house with a pool for less than what I pay for my one bedroom in a 2 bed apartment.


As far as I know I am not pregnant so the only baby who needs Vitamin D to develop properly is me. I suggest a Jewish change-end our shackling to the high rents of New York and let's, as a people, move a few map inches south or west where we could be smiling the entire year.


I do wonder though, at what point do I give up on the city and reach my dream of living somewhere the air doesn't hurt my face? When I do that, is that me giving up on getting married forever?


Only time will tell. I know that by May my February blues will be forgotten. Just know if I disappear before next February I'm somewhere warm.

37 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All