The N Word
You know when you're scrolling down Buzzfeed or your favorite movie site and the titles are all made to drive you in, like "See why Tom Cruise left the site of his new movie-and the answer isn't a short people joke!" But meanwhile the answer is something like he flew out for a day to meet with his lawyer and they just want their clicks.
Well I'm trying that on this post.
The N word. You never want to hear it. It's hurtful. Offensive. It makes you give up hope in humanity just a little. It decreases your faith that things will ever get better.
I am speaking, of course, of the word NO.
Did you think it was something else?
Just this morning I woke up at 8 am to watch a show about Gymnastics (it's called Golden, it's free on Peacock you all should watch) and I had a text on my phone telling me a boy who had been looking into me said no. I also had a text from late last night telling me that a guy I had been pursuing for a friend had said no to her.
I have a joke with a friend that any guy who says no-whether they meet me or not-is obviously gay.
Of course I want there to be a reason he said no to me. I want him to want to want me but to realize that he needs to be living in the West Village and making the real estate bubble higher-and that's fine with me.
The problem is that most of them are not gay and moving to the West Village. Most of them say no for other reasons-and I don't know why. Readers of this blog know I love data, but this is an area in which I have no data.
Except my own.
Why do I say no to guys? A whole host of reasons. Some of these have included:
Is not actually Jewish
Is not frum
Is not my type of frum
Is 5 feet tall
Has no job at all
Has a job that makes no money
Has a job that makes money but only until the government shuts them down
Wants to be in school forever
Got smicha for funzies
Calls himself a renaissance man on his resume
Puts his blood type on his resume
Has no chemistry with me
Clearly has a social processing disorder
Has glasses that have one frame circular and one frame square
Has clearly slept with most of the girls in Brooklyn
Is in his 40s
Is anywhere above 35
Is 34 and isn't a doctor or finance guy
Lives in Israel
Lives in another hemisphere
Is actually gay
Wears pink more than 60% of the time
Has, at any point, had hair past his chin (other than for his upsherin)
Mentions frolicking on his resume
Has three children
Has two children
Has one child and isn't a millionaire
Has a voice only dogs can hear
Heard he is a pervert over Zoom
Weighs more than 30 pounds less than me
Is mean to me.
Does not treat me like a diamond of the first water
Makes me meet him at our date
Can't drive in Manhattan
Makes me take the subway home at midnight alone
Asks to split the cost of the date
Poops his pants on our date
Has no cash so I have to pay
Makes no reservations in the busiest restaurant in Manhattan
Is rude to the waitress
Refuses to wear a mask in the restaurant
Used our date as a pit stop on the way to camp.
Still goes to camp at 27.
Voted for Trump twice and thinks he's "awesome!"
Is a crazy liberal who doesn't understand economics
Assumes my opinions
Enjoys Taylor Swift a little too much....
Has a haircut from 1972
Wore a purple paisley shirt on date #1
Cried while trying to park
Is less of a man than I am
Has a diagnosable disorder and should be in residential treatment
Talked about our future children on date one
Stalked my references in hopes of getting a yes
Asked my references if I am girl with few opinions because that's what he needs
Just isn't shayach
But here's the issue-I don't believe any of those apply to me. I make a decent living-especially since I plan to be the supplementary income. I am the exact right level of frum that everyone should be-haven't you heard? I'm the poster child for where you are supposed to be in Judaism.
Wait, you thought you were?
Wait, everyone thinks they are?
But anyway, I am. I am also attractive according to the mainstream media's view of what an attractive woman should be. I have the exact right opinions and am mostly not crazy. I have never talked about my future children who I may have named already on a first date and I have kept all my bathroom activity in the bathroom. I wear a mask where appropriate and am very kind to boys who have parking issues (that sounds like a double entendre but it is literal.) I have good schools on my resume and excellent references and a cute picture that I give when it is asked for.
So why do guys say no to me?
I hope it isn't because I have misbehaved on dates in the past and have gotten a reputation as a crazy girl. I have been trying to avoid this, but there is a possibility it may have happened. I have no idea how this potentially could have happened. It's not like I end dates by talking about pandas and their sexual behaviors.
There are also certain guys who are everywhere. I see their resumes everywhere. I hope I am not that but with a double X chromosome. I hope I'm not the sad girl whose resume is plastering the walls in Brooklyn. I hope people know that I am actively trying to find someone and am also actively living a full, beautiful life.
Of course, timing is everything (points to you if you read that post from very early Archer days.) Sometimes guys say no because the timing is wrong, they have too many resumes or too much going on.
I also do not have control over how I am represented.
People know I am single because I make sure that my hair is frizzy enough to clearly not be a sheitel. It's a tactic, not an oversight. Then they talk to others about how sad they are that I am single (I know this is true because I do this about the single people in my life, even if they don't have frizzy hair.) Then those people try to think of people for me. Perhaps they call a cousin in Timbuktoo with an idea. At this point it's a game of broken telephone. I may have started out as a fun girl who has deep beliefs but now I am a gun loving girl with pointy teeth.
As far as shadchans, none of them will return my calls so how is one to know?
I've met guys, either on dates or in social settings, who have seen my resume multiple times. Some of these guys have found their spouses and some haven't, but either way, it hurts me to know that my name, "The Archer" has become as annoying to them as some of the names I hear over and over (most of whom I've dated.
The N word doesn't hurt as much as the context that I give it. Sometimes a no is a no and a mouth organ is just a mouth organ.
Now I just have to believe that the nos are paving the way to the real yes. That the nos are saving me from miserable dates.
But it's a word. It has power. And as much as I don't want it to hurt, it somehow still does.
Funny how two letters can do that to you.