The N Word

You know when you're scrolling down Buzzfeed or your favorite movie site and the titles are all made to drive you in, like "See why Tom Cruise left the site of his new movie-and the answer isn't a short people joke!" But meanwhile the answer is something like he flew out for a day to meet with his lawyer and they just want their clicks.

Well I'm trying that on this post.

The N word. You never want to hear it. It's hurtful. Offensive. It makes you give up hope in humanity just a little. It decreases your faith that things will ever get better.

I am speaking, of course, of the word NO.

Did you think it was something else?

Just this morning I woke up at 8 am to watch a show about Gymnastics (it's called Golden, it's free on Peacock you all should watch) and I had a text on my phone telling me a boy who had been looking into me said no. I also had a text from late last night telling me that a guy I had been pursuing for a friend had said no to her.

I have a joke with a friend that any guy who says no-whether they meet me or not-is obviously gay.

Of course I want there to be a reason he said no to me. I want him to want to want me but to realize that he needs to be living in the West Village and making the real estate bubble higher-and that's fine with me.

The problem is that most of them are not gay and moving to the West Village. Most of them say no for other reasons-and I don't know why. Readers of this blog know I love data, but this is an area in which I have no data.

Except my own.

Why do I say no to guys? A whole host of reasons. Some of these have included:

Is chassidish

Is not actually Jewish

Is not frum

Is not my type of frum

Is 5 feet tall

Has no job at all

Has a job that makes no money

Has a job that makes money but only until the government shuts them down

Wants to be in school forever

Got smicha for funzies

Calls himself a renaissance man on his resume

Puts his blood type on his resume

Has no chemistry with me

Clearly has a social processing disorder

Has glasses that have one frame circular and one frame square

Has clearly slept with most of the girls in Brooklyn

Is 49

Is 48

Is in his 40s

Is anywhere above 35

Is 34 and isn't a doctor or finance guy

Is 21

Is 19

Is hideous

Lives in Israel

Lives in another hemisphere

Is actually gay

Wears pink more than 60% of the time

Has, at any point, had hair past his chin (other than for his upsherin)

Mentions frolicking on his resume

Has three children

Has two children

Has one child and isn't a millionaire

Has a voice only dogs can hear

Heard he is a pervert over Zoom

Weighs more than 30 pounds less than me

Is mean to me.

Does not treat me like a diamond of the first water

Makes me meet him at our date

Can't drive in Manhattan

Makes me take the subway home at midnight alone

Asks to split the cost of the date

Poops his pants on our date

Has no cash so I have to pay

Makes no reservations in the busiest restaurant in Manhattan

Is rude to the waitress

Refuses to wear a mask in the restaurant

Doesn't tip

Used our date as a pit stop on the way to camp.

Still goes to camp at 27.

Voted for Trump twice and thinks he's "awesome!"

Is a crazy liberal who doesn't understand economics

Assumes my opinions

Enjoys Taylor Swift a little too much....

Has a haircut from 1972

Wore a purple paisley shirt on date #1

Cried while trying to park

Is less of a man than I am

Has a diagnosable disorder and should be in residential treatment

Talked about our future children on date one

Stalked my references in hopes of getting a yes

Asked my references if I am girl with few opinions because that's what he needs

Just isn't shayach

But here's the issue-I don't believe any of those apply to me. I make a decent living-especially since I plan to be the supplementary income. I am the exact right level of frum that everyone should be-haven't you heard? I'm the poster child for where you are supposed to be in Judaism.

Wait, you thought you were?

Wait, everyone thinks they are?

Uh oh.

But anyway, I am. I am also attractive according to the mainstream media's view of what an attractive woman should be. I have the exact right opinions and am mostly not crazy. I have never talked about my future children who I may have named already on a first date and I have kept all my bathroom activity in the bathroom. I wear a mask where appropriate and am very kind to boys who have parking issues (that sounds like a double entendre but it is literal.) I have good schools on my resume and excellent references and a cute picture that I give when it is asked for.

So why do guys say no to me?

I hope it isn't because I have misbehaved on dates in the past and have gotten a reputation as a crazy girl. I have been trying to avoid this, but there is a possibility it may have happened. I have no idea how this potentially could have happened. It's not like I end dates by talking about pandas and their sexual behaviors.

There are also certain guys who are everywhere. I see their resumes everywhere. I hope I am not that but with a double X chromosome. I hope I'm not the sad girl whose resume is plastering the walls in Brooklyn. I hope people know that I am actively trying to find someone and am also actively living a full, beautiful life.

Of course, timing is everything (points to you if you read that post from very early Archer days.) Sometimes guys say no because the timing is wrong, they have too many resumes or too much going on.

I also do not have control over how I am represented.

People know I am single because I make sure that my hair is frizzy enough to clearly not be a sheitel. It's a tactic, not an oversight. Then they talk to others about how sad they are that I am single (I know this is true because I do this about the single people in my life, even if they don't have frizzy hair.) Then those people try to think of people for me. Perhaps they call a cousin in Timbuktoo with an idea. At this point it's a game of broken telephone. I may have started out as a fun girl who has deep beliefs but now I am a gun loving girl with pointy teeth.

As far as shadchans, none of them will return my calls so how is one to know?

I've met guys, either on dates or in social settings, who have seen my resume multiple times. Some of these guys have found their spouses and some haven't, but either way, it hurts me to know that my name, "The Archer" has become as annoying to them as some of the names I hear over and over (most of whom I've dated.

The N word doesn't hurt as much as the context that I give it. Sometimes a no is a no and a mouth organ is just a mouth organ.

Now I just have to believe that the nos are paving the way to the real yes. That the nos are saving me from miserable dates.

But it's a word. It has power. And as much as I don't want it to hurt, it somehow still does.

Funny how two letters can do that to you.