• The Archer

The Forgotten Mitzvah

Buckle your seat belts because a new Jewish dating site crossed my Instagram feed yesterday and I'm going to take all of you through every step of it. Live vicariously through me as I fill in my personal information, get hit on by old men, realize that I myself am old, and cry into a towel.


This site proclaims to be a replacement for the Kiddush room and instead gives us a place online to meet other singles, talk about business ideas, and connect with each other.


Ah yes, because if modern day Judaism is lacking one thing it is almost certainly that there is not enough Kiddush. People are far too focused on davening or getting home to their wife and children or at the very least to ensure that everyone has enough time to nap, to be focused on Kiddush. Kiddush: the forgotten mitzvah.


Is my sarcasm too much for you?


So, I tried to sign up for this new site on my phone. Naturally, their site isn't optimized for mobile because almost no one on Earth has internet on their phones so why bother working on a site that will work on a basic iPhone? I happen to have internet on my phone, but I suppose I am an outlier.


So I hopped onto my handy dandy laptop and began to create my profile.


I added my name (Princess Consuela Banana Hammock) and location and wrote a short paragraph about me.


Then, I had the option to choose my interest from a list.

The NFL was on the list but not the MLB which I find to be racist.

Philanthropist is on there, I'm wondering if I should check it off to meet an aspiring philanthropist who wants a wife who will do charity work and get day drunk.


Then, I picked my job from a list. Naturally, they didn't have my job (marketing) so I put in project manager. They did have every single type of doctor including podiatrist so we know it's really Jewish.


Next, I picked my religious level. These were the choices:

EVERY TYPE OF CHASSIDISH.

Ohhhhhh now I get why it doesn't work on my phone. This site has been optimized for filtered internet cafes.

Everyone choose your favorite Chassid, mine is St. Mary's (yes, that's where the work Satmar comes from.)


Height, smoking status, marijuana status (welcome to 2022), and body type were all next.

I added a picture and was done.


Now for the fun part.


I found where the search function was located and began to input my preferences. The first specification I made was that I was looking for a relationship.


7 results.


Men and women combined a total of 7 people.


There may not actually be that many fish in the sea.


And only 3 of those fish were boy fish.



I clicked on one guy's profile to read more about him and I got this epic descriptor that will work on his grave as well as on his dating profile:


"i like history sports and i want children."


We got to children by word number 8, my ovaries are TINGLING.

I wonder if he likes the history of sports, sports in history, or sports and history.


I clicked on the profile of boy #2 and saw that he was not a match for me religiously.


Boy # 3 is 61. His screen name is "Seekingluv" which is great for so many reasons.


So, I widened my search to just see everyone on the site. There are 51 profiles so the site should be ready for its IPO any day now.


I quickly realized that there was no way to save a search once you had clicked on to a profile, so going through profiles was going to take forever. I also saw that girls outnumbered boys 2 to 1 and that the age range was either 18-22 or 50+ which I guess I should have expected since I found the site on Instagram.


While browsing I decided that this was not the site where I wanted people to be able to see me. I deleted my account, saddened that there wasn't an easier way to browse profiles in order to make fun of them on my wildly successful dating blog.


So, maybe Kiddush can't be taken to the internet. I suppose I'll just have to find a shul where they still focus on Kiddush, as I know many shuls have simply laid this Mitzvah aside in favor of more enticing ones like actually davening.


Until the next Instagram ad.


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