• The Archer

The Disappearing Man

I haven't been on. a date since November. My dating life ebbs and flows so a break like this is normal but I also need to go on dates to have content for this blog. Not to mention I am getting to an age where when two months go by without a date I start looking into retirement homes with pools because I know when it's time to go.


So, to combat these feelings I rejoined a dating app I had used in the past. This dating app is great as far as entertainment. I have only been on one short phone date through this app but I'm in this for the fun, not the results. It also helps to see the profiles of every guy I have ever dated-they are all still out there.


On Sunday morning I turned on this app and began to scroll through as I caught up on the previous night's Saturday Night Live. I saw a man had "liked" my profile and I began to look at his. He was wildly attractive and seemed to have a good job and value his education-things I really appreciate in a guy. I liked him back and we began to text through the app's interface.


He got right down to it-another thing I appreciate- and asked me what I am looking for. I told him quite honestly where I am holding and what I need and he responded that he could ask me out right then and there-that's how much our answers were in sync. He asked if he could call me later that night to talk. I said yes and requested that he text me first, and gave him my number. He said "I will call you at 7." We love a man with a plan ladies.


By 6:30 I was done eating dinner and was watching Angels In America (I have a thing with media about the AIDS crisis) on my couch. I have perfected my pre date strategy to include getting out all my stored farts ahead of time and watching something interesting in order to distract myself.


7 came and went with no call. By 7:30 I had moved on to other things. I called my father to help him use a basic function on his iphone #parents. I took a shower and read some of my book. Before I went to sleep I sent this very simple message to him:


"?"


I wasn't super worried. Snow was falling heavily at that point and lots of people had lost power. The pro bowl was on which could have distracted him. Some people were still reeling from Cicely Tyson's death. It had been a complicated weekend.


The next morning I woke up, decided I deserved to sleep in another hour, had a great dream that I was a ballerina in Hogwarts and nobody believed me except for my psychiatrist, woke up again and checked the app.


He had disappeared.


He had unmatched from me and because this app does not give out last names and I did not have his number, he had blown away like a snowflake or a feather in a story about Loshon Hara.


I wondered...why? What was the point of getting my number and telling me that he thought we were compatible if he was going to just disappear?


He hadn't tried to sell me anything or get me to join his multi-level-marketing scheme. He had my number, but the Republican and Democratic committees from my home state also have my number and they give it out to everyone with a pulse so that isn't hard to get. He hadn't gained access to any special pictures of me or any personal information that he could have used to steal my identity.


There are those people who enjoy playing the "Catfish"-making up a fake online profile where they appear attractive in order to appeal to other attractive people. His pictures were certainly attractive enough to be fake. But he hadn't had any of the gratification that most Catfish get from a long term fake relationship. I had not become vulnerable to him in any way. The only power he gained over me was that I made sure to fart before 7 so I would not fart while on the call with him. Despite what the old Rupert Grint movie about the kid who powers a rocket with his farts says, fart power isn't real power.


Could he have simply been so embarrassed about forgetting our phone call that he bailed entirely? If so, I'm glad he did. I want a man who owns up to his mistakes.


There are a lot of weird people on this dating app. Earlier in the week I had come across a bio that said "Super kinky and love to be submissive if it comes to that." That's information I usually save for dessert on a second date but I guess it is nice to get it out there early.


It might be time for me to open a magic act instead of a blog. "The Archer, watch her magically make men disappear!" Like a rabbit in a hat, this man dissolved into thin air without a trace.


At least I'll know, if I start getting prank calls from ten year old boys, where they came from.

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