The 15 Things I Hate About You

On Instagram there is an account run by a self proclaimed "motivational speaker" that has 11,500 followers. Anyone online today knows that followers can be bought and sold but that is a significant amount anyway, especially in the frum world. This motivational speaker posted on Tu b'Av because if there was one thing singles are lacking, it's motivation.

Also, get in those holiday likes. All 159 of them.

Some popular shadchans began to repost this post on their Whatsapp stories so all the singles who cannot get them to call them back can see that they actually do know how to use their phones. Also it's your fault you're single. Here are ways to fix it.

Luckily I'm not friends with this brand of shadchan online. But I have friends who are. A particularly dear friend saw this post and called me. Like not a text because she knew when she saw this that I was going to have to write about this.

THAT'S TRUE FRIENDSHIP READERS.

So thanks to my dear friend, thanks to the shadchans that felt it was appropriate to post this on their stories on Tu b'Av, and thanks to the cheesy motivational speaker who posted this in the first place.

Let's explore AND I QUOTE: "15 Tips for Singles in the Merit of Tu be Ab."

I know that we Jews like our alternate spellings for holidays (see: chanukkahhh) but this one seems....against the Torah.

1. Instead of looking for the one, become the one

I'm pretty sure Yoda told Luke this in Return of the Jedi. "One you should become, look leave behind."

We are each a tiny little Luke Skywalker looking for someone to save the day but guess what-our father isn't coming because he is Darth Vader and he wants to mind strangle you. This is the part where each single puts down their map, taps their ruby slippers and says "it was me all along!"

Then go on more dates because just because it was you all along doesn't mean you are married.

2. Get into a relationship for growth, not for comfort

By this motto I should be looking for someone who I absolutely hate and using them to work on myself which is actually the plot of the movie The Proposal.

And I adored that movie. And Ryan Reynolds. AND NATIONAL TREASURE BETTY WHITE. In the movie Andrew pretends to date his boss, who he hates, so she can stay in the country. They both learn things about themselves and the entire thing culminates in them falling in real love because of the tremendous growth they had over 3 days. This will be my new dating strategy. PG-13 Romantic Comedy set up here we go!

3. Instead of looking for the trophy wife, choose the wife who will help you get the trophy

So at the end of the day the goal is still...the trophy? Also if we take the concept of a trophy wife which I will define as "a wife who is younger and/or hotter than her husband that he has earned because of his deeds" and we dissect that we see that good deeds (whatever that means) by men equals better sexual partners.

Formula: Good deeds=better sexual partners.

Good deeds cannot be defined but can mean money, status, looks, money, money or money.

So what this advice is really saying is instead of looking for someone who rewards you for whatever you do by being a good sexual partner, find someone hideous who will help you find good sexual partners. The trophies that you, as a man, deserve.

4. Stop watching Cinderella and start watching finding the beuty in the beast

I want to point out that the spelling and grammatical errors are the original posters and not my own.

First of all when does finding the beuty in the beast come out and can I watch it? Second of all I think more of us should be watching Cinderella. Girl knows how to multitask like no one's business and that's what you really need for marriage. She's running a household, singing 20 minute songs and making amazing clothes for mice without anyone noticing.

Obviously I also have a fantasy where a half man half animal kidnaps me and takes me to his castle and gives me books and then sex stuff (for me it happens with the books we can skip the whole manners and dancing facade) but I'm not sure that is what we should be telling singles to aim for here? And I don't think there are any single girls waiting to get rescued by a prince. We are too busy rescuing the sad princes who, like in Cinderella, are so staunched by their overbearing parents (Anyone remember the king with the mustache?) that they have no personalities of their own. So ladies, go watch Cinderella, I think it's the movie of our time.

5. Don't get too physical before you get married. This is can cause spiritual obstacles.

Again that is the original posters embarrassing typo, not mine.

When I hear spiritual obstacles I immediately think SPIRITUAL OBSTACLE COURSE. We could have like an obstacle course where you bungee jump from your longer skirt, and your bowing for shemonah esrei helps you avoid bullets flying overhead. And at the end there can be all these opportunities to get physical you need to avoid to get to then end. We're going to make millions on the Lag b'Omer carnival circuit.

6. Blessing and parnassa usually come after the marriage not before

I mean, this is just mean to me. So now I'm single, no blessing, and can't make a living? Also what is the point of this one? I am genuinely confused. Are there singles out there who are dating but are convinced they can't get married because the blessing and parnassah haven't shown up yet? Is this referring to the fact that girls are SUPER DISGUSTING AND PICKY and want a guy with some sort of plan for paying the mortgage, tuition, and lulav and esrog costs? Girls, we need to get over this. Remember Peter Pan when Wendy walked off the plank? That's what we need to do. Find yourself a man with no plan and wait because once you get married the blessing and parnassah are going to just flow like the water your fake Wendy is drowning in because you can't afford a roof over your head/

7. When you compare your going to despair

YOU'RE. YOU'RE. YOU'RE. YOU'RE. YOU'RE. YOU'RE. YOU'RE. YOU'RE.

8. Rabbi Nachman's says through prayer you can change your designed spouse

And THAT is why I've spent the last 13 years davening to marry this dude:

And Rabbi Nachman has my back apparently! Somewhere some Jewboy is experiencing a horrifying werewolf like transition into Robert Pattinson and he is coming to find me. WOOT.

9. When you fix your relationship with your creator, he will fix your relationship bellow

Is a relationship bellow the kind of yell that moms used to do when kids could play outside and not get molested and they would call everyone in for dinner? Is the fact that I can't do that the reason I am not married?

Pauses.

Bellows.

Nope, I definitely can bellow.

10. Stay in the moment. Be Present.

Float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee. Read between the lines. Time is money. Love is blind. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

11 . Expect roses but also expect thorns. Nothing good is suppose to be easy...

....or have tense agreements apparently. Again, the silly stupid singles looking for perfection and not realizing that you can't eat the roses because they have thorns and also aren't edible to begin with. There is no possibility that the singles aren't finding roses as much as weeds. We are just overlooking roses due to thorns. Obviously.

12. Don't bring old garbage in a new relationships

Also don't bring old garbage anywhere? Except the dump? And maybe stop having multiple relationships at once?

13. A good wife needs to be a coach and a cheerleader. When he's struggling a cheerleader, when he's up a coach

This is exactly how it was written. I couldn't make it sound more sexual if I tried.

Having a coach be a cheerleader is a terrible idea. Cheerleading is a sport and a job and you cannot possibly do the job of cheering for the team adequately while you are also trying to coach the team. And the players on the team cannot focus on the coaching when the cheerleader boobs are in their faces. And it's 2021 so that's true of men and women.

The rest of it....is all advice for the bedroom. Which, after reading all these tips for marriage, no longer sounds like a place I'd like to go.

Best part? This was titled 15 tips and only gave 13. Remember ladies, when he gives you a number assume two lower AT LEAST.

Also YOU'RE.