• The Archer

Splitting The Sea

Pesach is special as it manages to be both the worst holiday to be married with kids and the worst holiday to be single.


Marrieds get to the seder table exhausted, having spent their afternoons trying and failing to convince their kids to nap. The kids in question died after a sugar coma brought on by to many chocolate lollies at 8 pm. Now their parents remember the days they sang Nirtza as they try to wake them selves up by snorting the Karpas saltwater up their noses.


The singles, meanwhile, either spend approximately half their salaries on a Pesach program (before taxes) or go home and watch as their siblings, friends, and the kids they used to babysit for try to convince their own kids to take naps and/or put down the chocolate lolly.


For some absurd reason instead of this tableau of human behavior hitting the logical part of my brain and hitting the "BH you don't have kids and can take three separate naps in one afternoon and spend 3 hours a day on the toilet cus matzah" button it instead hits the ovaries button of "WHAT IF I MADE A PERSON WHO WAS ME BUT SMALLER AND NOT EFFED UP AND THEN I DIDN'T EFF HER UP?"


Reminder to all: It is not possible to not eff your kids up. If you don't eff them up they will be in therapy complaining about how all their friends were effed up except them. Also a solid 40% of my friends became social workers/therapists/psychologists and in the spirit of my friends having food on their tables, please eff your kids up.


But in my fantasy my kid(s) are cute and got all my good features and took the features I don't like on myself from Robert Pattinson and are really well adjusted but also funny and emotional enough to cry at every Pixar movie but not in a way that makes the other five year olds in the theater go "Mommy what's wrong with that lady?"


I think we need a solid point in the Seder or Pesach holiday in general that celebrates the singles and reminds them to turn off the ovaries voice and listen to the brain voice.


My main idea for this is 50% off at Pesach programs for singles so we can appreciate what we have. If Klal Yisrael is going to fail at raising quality men and also fail at creating organic ways for singles to be part of the community, they can at least pay for us to enjoy ourselves for a few minutes.


Other ideas for helping us singles to appreciate this time in our lives include:

  • Every time it says that the family raises their glasses the singles don't have to

  • Singles only have to eat half shiurim

  • Ok quarter shiurim

  • The singles don't have to eat the horseradish but everyone has to treat them as if they ate the horseradish

  • Singles don't stand for any of the seder including washing. A sibling or parent must wash the singles hands instead

  • If the single or single(s) hear the beginning of a dvar torah they aren't into they can say skip and the giver has to act like an ipod and skip

  • Singles can use whatever toilet they want in the house whenever they want for as long as they want

I feel like this would change Pesach for singles everywhere. That way, instead of bemoaning the children to whom we could be feeding chocolate lollies, we can instead appreciate our freedom. Isn't that what the holiday of freedom is really about?

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