Say What You Want To Say

Yesterday I went on a quick little Zoom date with one of those guys who could not handle how hilarious I am and lost his mind at every single thing I said which is always awkward for me because I'm sitting there waiting for him to finish laughing and I'm not even giving the really funny parts of me up yet.

Socially off things I said because I was bored:

-I wish John Fetterman was my daddy.

-I would marry an entire baseball team.

-I think we should stop doing outreach until we can find one Baal Teshuva who is happy with their life.

-I would marry an 18 year old if he managed a hedge fund

-Men are terrible so you may as well marry one with money

As anyone who has ever had the misfortune of teaching or, G-D forbid, subbing for me knows, I do terrible things when I am bored.

I would like to take a moment to apologize to everyone I was in school with ever. Please know I was operating with no Serotonin or Dopamine but that is no excuse for my behavior.

Anyway we did have this memorable exchange:

Him: Wow you do a lot. All I do is sit and read.

Me: Oh I love to read!

Him: What are you reading now?

Me: Well I read about a book a day so today's book is called O' Beautiful

Him: A book a day? I finish about four books a year.

Me: But you just said you sit and read all day!

Him: Yeah, mostly like articles and things on the internet. You know, like jokes and stuff.

Me: Do you mean memes?

Him: Yeah I read memes.

Me: You just told me you read all day and you meant that you scroll through memes? Memes are not reading. Memes are not even close to reading.

I was flabbergasted. How dare you tell me you read when you're just scrolling. The sheer cluelessness of the thing left me speechless.

But, if we're going to look at it from a positive angle we might say that damn this guy is good at PR.

He's taken the fact that he has no hobbies and just scrolls all day long and made it sound like he's an academic. We all can learn something from this. Let's think of more PR strategies for future dates.

What You Say: My faith is what matters to me

What You Mean: My faith in Taylor Swift becoming president

What You Say: I make physical fitness a priority

What You Mean: I often walk to the pizza store to get deep fried dough covered in cheese. Sometimes I even walk back

What You Say: I have a lot of growth potential at work right now

What You Mean: I am literally the worst person in the entire company so I guess I can only go up from here.

What You Say: I'm pretty low maintenance

What You Mean: I only go to the doctor once every eight years. But if my fries come overcooked I'm sending them back.

What You Say: Money doesn't really matter to me

What You Mean: As long as I have lots and lots of it so I don't have to think about it

What You Say: I'm really working on my self

What You Mean: my self harm strategies

What You Say: I have a lot of hobbies

What You Mean: They include 6 different shows on Netflix

What You Say: Relationships are the most important thing

What You Mean: Especially the ones between reality tv stars and basketball players

What You Say: I try not to worry too much

What You Mean: About how much anti anxiety medication I'm taking

What You Say: I daven every day

What You Mean: While I run to the subway I daven that I don't miss it

What You Say: I try to learn Torah when I can

What You Mean: On Sundays when I take an Uber they sometimes have Church radio on and sometimes they are talking about the Old Testament

What You Say: Oh, I enjoy Harry Potter

What You Mean: Just ask my future daughter Hermione Luna

What You Say: I like a variety of music

What You Mean: Like all ten of Taylor Swift's albums over three genres.

What You Say: I write a dating blog that helps me to process my experiences and learn from them

What You Mean: I send articles where I shit talk the fuck out of all my dates to over 200 people.