Refresh/Anger

Some of you may have noticed that occasionally, once in a blue moon, when Mercury is in retrograde, I can seem a little angry about my situation. The funny thing is that I don't feel angry most of the time. This is because I am excellent at putting my emotions into tiny little boxes and putting them on rockets to the moon. The problem is that my rockets are faulty chinese rockets that usually land in the water but could also potentially land on Manhattan or Shanghai.

So, once the rocket lands in the ocean (and hopefully becomes best friends with the sunken Titanic) some of the anger can seep out. It seeps into the ocean and then gets evaporated into the clouds and rained down on me.

Fun Fact: the Magic School Bus and the Water Cycle was the only Magic School Bus VHS my family owned.

Also fun fact: On the Magic School Bus reboot on Netflix the character Phoebe was replaced by a latino child which just proves that they are stealing our jobs.

When I am rained upon by the anger and a tiny animated school bus I try not to let it show. But it comes out in my writing and the way I speak. People notice it, even when I still think the rocket is heading to the moon.

I don't want to live my life angry. That's why I worked with the Chinese government to build a rocket. There's also so much to be angry about. I am a casualty of a series of broken systems to which I have dedicated my entire life. I am trying my hardest and feel like I am going in a series of circles and the most that I can hope for is that the circles widen rather than tighten into a spiral.

And, as a logic based person, I have a tough time with the fact that there's nothing logical about shidduchim. Crazy people meet their matches through top shadchans. Normal people were in the wrong place at the right time. People change and develop and become new people from the people you saw last.

Most of all, there is no deserve. The people who are married are not prettier or frummer or better at bowling so that their tushes look good. They are simply married.

And I am simply single.

That's nothing to be angry about. It just is.

But try telling that to someone who is angry.

Part of building the rocket ship is finding alternative emotions to have instead of anger or sadness. It's why I plan my life out so intricately and am always looking for opportunities to have fun. It's also why I go on vacation-to remind myself I am so small and there is so much of the world to see and I am lucky enough to see it and to enjoy it with each atom of my being.

These things refresh me and then I can pause the rocket building. I can stick it in the cabinet where the Chinese government keeps prisoners (Unexpectedly dark!) and leave it alone.

So I've become addicted to the high I get from a nice refresh. And occasionally I surprise myself with what is refreshing.

For me, self travel is refreshing. A friend told me it "fills my cup" and I couldn't have said it better. A lot of what I do to refresh is by myself: biking, reading in the park, taking myself on a date to a fancy dinner and a movie.

And it's all wonderful.

But, for the first time in a very long time, I had an opportunity to be part of a small group for Shabbos, not unlike high school. It was everything I hate in this world, singing, staying up past 10 PM, empathizing with others, not finishing a single book in 24 hours.

And I've never felt more refreshed.

I realized that I am a person with a rocket surrounded by lots of other people with rockets which makes sense because we find friends who are like ourselves. To be surrounded by people who did not yet have a rocket (and hopefully never will) was a relief. To remember the days when my rocket was a volcano that murdered everything in its path made me feel like perhaps I am not in a circle-or if I am, the circle is large and everyone I love is inside of it.

I write honestly and from my soul and my soul has been hurt. It's also been blessed beyond measure. I have a countenance that can go from exploding over the ocean to feeling brand new in an instant and I am grateful for that, even if it means I am terrible at the silent treatment.

I want to write while looking up. But when I look up there is a rocket. So I'll write anyway and you'll decide where my rocket is. Meanwhile, I'm going to keep surprising myself with the ways I can refresh and prepare that rocket to, I don't know, not collide with the Earth? Seems like a good idea?

But when it does it is almost always over the ocean.

Side note: Isn't this whole rocket drama the actual plot of Lilo and Stitch?