Pick Up!

I was swiping through guys on an app (did you know every swipe decreases your self esteem by 20 points? Did you know self esteem is measured in points? Do you know what self esteem is and where I can find some?) and I matched with one guy who started chatting almost immediately.

Him: Hi Archer! Great name!

So my name is not actually Archer. It is actually a super common name. It is one of the top four names for Jewish girls. It was also one of the top ten names for all American girls between 1984 and 1997. It's a name that works because it is mine but there is absolutely nothing particularly great about it.

This is a pickup line. He was looking to compliment anything, which is hard over text. So he went in hard for my name.

I responded: Hi, thanks, it's a pretty common name...

(Which Voldemort actually said to Dumbledore once so am I a horcrux? Yes.)

He said: It's still great!

Ok puppy dog. I swiped him away shortly after.

I know someone from Brooklyn who met a guy once who asked her where she was from. She responded Brooklyn and the frum guy she was talking to said "Cool!"

There are more Jews who live in Brooklyn then there are Jews who are circumcised.

And I hear all of you (or just my mom) saying "But Archer they're just excited, they just want to get to know you!" Which I understand but I haven't been excited since 2011 so getting this level of unfiltered raw excitement over my name is terrifying.

But of course, this is a line. These guys have found that flattery/excitement is the best way to get into it with a girl. There are plenty of lines out there: how you doin? Hi beautiful etc. I think the one that really gets to me is when a guy says "Let's skip the small talk and go directly to our traumas. By the way, I'm a doctor."

The best one that was ever used on me is when I was wearing a green dress and a guy told me that I matched a peacock. What a random way to tell me that you are socially off.

I think we should start getting more creative with the ways we pick each other up. It lets others know what level of socially off you are super early.

For example you could use one of these (made by an acquaintance of mine) to tell people that you are weird but you still know the Torah:

Girl are you an Ir Miklat? Because I would kill to get inside you.

(I think if a guy said that to me I would just instantly become pregnant with triplets.)

Are you Har Sinai? Because you're short, pretty, and untouchable.

Your lips are as red as the parah adumah and your hair is as gold as the eigel hazahav.

Of course you may be Christian in which case you might want to go with something like

Jesus could die one hundred times and it wouldn't be enough to repent for what I'm going to do to you

Or

Girl are you Sunday morning church? Cause you make me want to go back to bed.

If you need to establish yourself as a nerd, go with literary pickups:

Girl in my room of requirement there's just a picture of you.

If you were a Game of Thrones character, I'd be your hot brother and you know what that means.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS until I get your number.

If you wanted to get near me you could try a Taylor Swift pickup line like

I will pay for you to get pit at Taylor Swift's next tour

or

I will pay for you to have the vinyl Midnights clock

or

I will buy you whatever merch you want

These are all very creative and will work on me.

If you are a sports guy, don't worry. There are plenty of sports ideas as well:

Since I know we both want to watch the game and I want an equal partnership with my wife let's get takeout tonight so you don't have to cook and I make enough money to pay for it.

Wow. The creativity.

Are you Tom Brady? Because you're hot and your existence makes me want to kill myself.

I want to make you the closing pitcher of my single life.

If you're flirting with a frum girl it is likely she is a nurse, some type of therapist, or a teacher. So try to grab her with a career line:

You start my heart better than you start an IV

I would pay your copay all day and night

Are you a teacher? Because I feel vaguely inclined to act out in your presence.

So guys, telling a girl with a name easily found in the Torah that she has a 'great name!' is lacking creativity. Hold in the excitement and try to find something specific that both of you can really connect to. Either that or expose the depraved monster that you are, she might be into it. I wish you the best of luck-I'll probably swipe left either way.