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  • The Archer

Panda Sex

As you may have intuited from the title, this post is not everyone's cup of tea. While it is a scientific study of animal sex lives, it does manage to get graphic. Viewer discretion is advised.

I realized when I was writing the post EssCahPay! It's funny it's spelled just like the word escape that I was missing a very important way to escape a date. I also realized that this particular way of escaping a date is so very special that it needed its own post.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is no better way to escape a date than to bring up the fascinating topic of panda sexuality.

What? You don't know all about panda sexuality?

That's why I'm here.

Imagine, for a moment you spend your life dreaming about becoming a zookeeper. You get good grades and major in animal sciences in college. You get a master's in zoology to give yourself the foot up on the competition. You get hired by one of the nation's top zoos, since only the largest zoos have pandas. There, you work your way to the very top of the zookeeper hierarchy. Now, finally, you have been promoted to one of the most coveted jobs in the zoo: panda minder.

On your first day you meet your boss, let's call him Ralph. Ralph sits you down and explains a few things that you already know. Pandas are a highly endangered species due to hunting, habitat destruction, and being insanely picky eaters. Your zoo, like many American zoos, is working with Chinese conservation efforts to breed more pandas. While you could do artificial insemination on your female pandas, nothing is as effective as pandas making their babies the natural way. Your new job is to get the male panda (let's call him Commander Chang) and the female panda (let's call her Mulan) to reproduce naturally.

Well that's not a big deal, you say. They're animals. They have natural processes in which they are convinced to reproduce. Most male animals can smell when a female animal is most fertile and in response becomes aroused in order to continue the species.

Ay, but here's the rub (rub! lol.) Female pandas ovulate for only 2-3 days.

Per year.

Thats 3/365 odds for you. Which is like betting that the Falcons will make it to the Superbowl. Do not take those odds.

But you didn't make it to the top of zookeeping world for nothing! You are going to get the pandas to have sex as many times as you can during the 3 day process in hopes that you'll get a resulting panda cub.

Now there's another problem. Commander Chang, being an animal that has sex once a year, tops, has forgotten how to have sex at all.

Forgotten. It isn't even a concept to him.

You begin to discuss this issue with zookeepers from other zoos and discover that almost all male pandas have this problem. The other zookeepers have come up with a solution. One of them managed to get a video of pandas having sex and discovered that if you show it to the male pandas, they become aroused and begin to think more about impregnating their partners.

You heard that right folks. There is a thriving panda pornography industry.

So now your zookeeping responsibilities include tracking down panda porn, mixing it with the right music, maybe getting your panda a bottle of wine, and hoping that it provides some inspiration while not giving your panda unrealistic body and sexuality standards that no actual female panda who isn't a porn star could ever meet.

You hope and pray that this works for your panda. Because the next solution is going to involve a lot of work for you. Zookeepers have been known to borrow pandas from other zoos in order to arrange panda threesomes that will hopefully inspire lackluster male pandas. And panda threesomes are complicated. What is a panda safe-word? Is it rawr? Growl? Are there panda threesome boundaries that shouldn't be crossed? What is the appropriate music for a panda threesome?

Luckily, Commander Chang is very interested in the panda pornography and you are able to avoid the threesome this year. But Ralph comes back to you with a brand new problem.

Due to panda anatomy, the panda always needs to stand up for intercourse in order to get where he needs to be to impregnate the female. Pandas are notoriously out of shape and most lack the stamina to stand up for that long. So you start a strict regimen of-and I wish I was making this up-panda physical therapy with Commander Chang in order to strengthen his leg muscles in order for him to finally impregnate Mulan.

Poor zookeeper! You thought you'd be working on scientific data about pandas and observing their habits for research. Instead, you are now the owner of a panda brothel/physical therapy clinic/porn store.

I could (clearly) go on for days about the craziness that is panda sexuality. There are issues here that I didn't even cover. Pandas also have a problem in that they have to last for a certain amount of time in order for the female to get pregnant and most males cannot last that long. Then, when the baby does come, it is almost impossible to tell its gender for up to five years.

Five. YEARS.

It's clear to me that Hashem put pandas on this earth to show us all that even when something seems impossible, we have to keep faith with the One who is in charge of us all. Pandas have somehow survived since creation without the help of panda porn (unless there were panda peepshows in the olden days.) It's almost like Klal Yisrael, a tiny little nation with no supporters being the oldest nation on earth while tremendous dynasties have disappeared.

But, this is a dating blog. And I want to remind everyone out there that there is no better way on this earth to escape from a date than to tell your partner everything he ever needs to know about panda sexuality.

You're welcome.

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