Meet Your Bashert At Midnight

Our queen has once again looked down upon her subjects and decided to grants us a taste of what heaven is. Taylor Swift released her album Midnights on Thursday night at Midnight and I have been manic ever since. It's a wondrous collection of songs with the perfect sound and words that have cracked my heart into pieces and formed it into an entirely new shape.

Companies across Twitter were trying to cash in on this global holiday by creating lists for how their products matched with Taylor's lyrics. From Today Tix to Expedia, everyone found something to which to relate within this holy vessel.

My brand is shidduchim. Also obsession. Also revealing way too much about my own mental health. Also not having the mental energy to clean my apartment. But for this example it's shidduchim and my (hopefully) acerbic commentary. So, naturally (the whole school knows) I am taking us through the 13 songs on Midnights and the 7 bonus tracks on the 3 AM edition and pointing out the moments to which any experienced dater can relate. Fasten your seatbelts.

FYI: the gratuitous cursing is Taylor, not me. And I love it.

Lavender Haze

No deal/ The 1950s shit they want from me

Oh, it's just my entire life of being forced to fit into some domestic box and sublimate my personality so some guy will feel like he's in charge and I'm just waiting for him to come home I THINK NOT.

All they keep asking me/is if I'm gonna be your bride/ the only kinda girl they see/ is a one night or a wife

There is no nuance in this world. You can choose to be considered a slut, a nebbuch, or a wife. When all I've ever wanted is to live in the in between.

I find it dizzying/ they're bringing up my history/ but you weren't even listening

My parents did not spend $25,000 on seminary for you to mix up Bnos Sarah and Bnos Chava.

(Note: I did not go to seminary. But guys always think I did and I'm like did you not bother to read my profile?)

Maroon

That's a real fuckin' legacy to leave

When you discover that you have a name in shidduchim and it's that girl who has...opinions.

Anti-Hero

When my depression works the graveyard shift/all of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

The best way I have ever heard that middle of the night guilt described

I should not be left to my own devices/they come with prices and vices/ I end up in crisis/tale as old as time

When the Shadchan tells you to get a hobby and suddenly you've spent $700 on pickleball equipment.

It's me/hi/ I'm the problem it's me

-my entire life

-why I'm not married

-why mashiach isn't here

-me every single time I look at my credit card bill

It must be exhausting always/rooting for the anti-hero

Me to my Mom, my friends, and everyone who 'just wants me to be happy' I'm not going to be happy ok? I did this to me.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby/and I'm a monster on the hill

When guys keep skipping your resume for 19 year olds.

Snow on the Beach

Life is emotionally abusive

And so are Jewish guys, Shadchanim, and well meaning commenters.

You're On Your Own Kid

You're on your own kid/you always have been

When you learn the Shadchan you've been paying hasn't sent out your resume once.

Midnight Rain

He wanted it comfortable/I wanted that pain

When you force your date to talk about something that has deeper emotional power than hockey.

Question...?

Did you wish you'd put up more of a fight?/When she said it was too much

When your go-between tells you that the guy really liked you he just thinks you're a little too much for him he's really looking for simple, you understand.

Vigilante Shit

I don't dress for women/I don't dress for men/ lately I've been dressing for revenge

When I show my elbows because I'm mad at Hashem for not getting me married.

Bejeweled

When I walk in the room/I can still make the whole place shimmer

On Yom Tov when you see your old friends and you're the only one without a baby so now you are the de-facto group hotty.

Did all the extra credit/then got graded on a curve

I was so good in high school, I didn't talk to any boys and therefore I was supposed to be rewarded by getting married first but that did not work shockingly.

Labyrinth

It only hurts this much/right now

Me to myself, every single second for the last 8 years.

Break up/ break free/break through/break down

This is how you know me and Taylor are both Sags. Whenever I have a break up my first feeling is elation because I'm free. Then I think I've gotten over it and learned my lessons. Then, when I'm least expecting it, it breaks me.

Karma

Cause karma is my boyfriend/karma is a god/karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend/karmas a relaxing thought/ aren't you envious that for you it's not/ sweet like honey/ karma is a cat/ purring on my lap cause it loves me/flexing like a goddamn acrobat/me and karma vibe like that.

Me and karma vibe like that. Oh. Karma is her vibrator. Taylor is my HERO.

Sweet Nothing

I spy with my little eye/tiny as a firefly

Things no one wants to say on their wedding night

And the voices that implore/you should be doing more

Every person you've ever met asking if you've tried singles events yet.

Mastermind

so I've been scheming like a criminal ever since/to make them love me and make it seem effortless

Me, explaining to my hairdresser why I need a blowout for a first date.

The Great War

We're burned for better/I vowed/ I would always be yours

When your marriage sucks but Shidduchim sucks worse so you stay married.

Bigger than the Whole Sky

I can't make a joke about this one. It's too sad.

Paris

Your ex friend's sister met someone at a club

Explaining to your coworkers how you met your husband

High Infidelity

Your picket fence was as sharp as knives

Me to everyone asking why I haven't settled down yet.

Glitch

You don't live in my part of town/but maybe I'll see you out some weekend

Me to a guy before I get a $900 hotel room so I can 'randomly' bump into him

Would've Could've Should've

Oh/ all I used to do was pray

Looking back upon your crisis of faith

Dear Reader

Never take advice from someone who's falling apart

So get off this blog! Taylor said so!