Match Me With Style

Over the years I have met many different shadchanim who use "tools" to match up their singles. These "tools" claim to help them match up people with similar personality traits to each other and create more likely longterm matches.

I laughed the first time I heard of such a concept. No one needs tools to decide which guy I should date because according to everyone finding a quality guy who works in a money making industry that can support a Jewish lifestyle and isn't Yeshivish but is frum and isn't in a Modern Orthodox cult system and has one hobby that isn't Dungeons and Dragons and is at least 90% heterosexual and hasn't spent the last three years sleeping his way through Brooklyn and using up the world's precious supply of hair gel is impossible. When we do find someone who fits most of these things I go out with him whether or not our personalities match up.

But, perhaps in some circles there are dozens of nice, yeshivish, want a learner girls and nice yeshivish learning guys. My solution would be to match them up like dogs get matched up with their owners by whoever looks the most alike. But apparently that is considered "shallow" and not the good Shallow that Lady Gaga sang at the Oscars so instead some Shadchans use personality tests.

There are many of these personality tests out there and I will go through a few of them so that, G-D forbid, you ever have to meet a Shadchan, you will be prepared to truly know yourself without too much introspection or any $300 an hour therapy sessions.

1. Meyers Briggs

This is the most popular test shadchans use (at least on me) and I've never been super into it. The test states that there are essentially 16 different types of people all defined by confusing letters that make you sound like you have an especially terrifying disease. For example, the one I took in 5 minutes on a shidduch site when I wasn't really paying attention and just wanted to finish filling out the application so I could be flooded with pictures of eligible boys (spoiler alert: I was not flooded with pictures of eligible boys) said that I was ESFJ which, according to Wiki means I am "friendly, outgoing, reliable, conscientious, organized, practical. Seek to be helpful and please others, enjoy being productive."

To which I say: HEY SHIDDUCH SITE THATS THE KIND OF THING THAT ONLY MY THERAPIST IS ALLOWED TO SAY TO ME. GET OFF MY BACK AND FIND ME A MAN.

But also I guess sometimes this site uses the information that I'm super anal and live to please people to find a man who needs to be pleased constantly which actually sounds like abuse so I'm not into it.

Also when I read the descriptions of the other scary disease letter combinations they all sound the sameish? So I don't get it.

2. Enneagram

Enneagrams are a little simpler and sound more like robots than diseases. The idea here is there are 9 ways of perceiving the world and everyone falls into one type but they can also have a little mix of other types. Enneagram also has a star like symbol which means it is probably satan worship and all I know about satan worship is that they like goats and virgins and I may fulfill one of the those requirements.

I took the test last night in preparation for writing this article (the things I do for my readers! Wow!) and got this result:

I am a 3 wing 2

Type 3 is: THE ACHIEVER

Threes want to be successful and admired by other people, and are very conscious of their public image. Type Threes fear failure and not being seen as valuable by other people.

You guys. I think I care about how others perceive me. While I try really hard to put on an image of not caring how others perceive me. Which is a rabbit hole because not caring is somehow also caring? I'm not sure.

But based on this test it looks like I need to find a guy who also wants to win marriage with me and prove to everyone else how successful and not failures we are. I am looking for the Michael Phelps of husbands.

3. Astrology

Astrology is that thing that Pharoah's magicians did and they saw in the stars that baby Moshe was going to be born and because of that we all have to be constipated for 8 days and in high school I actually broke my parents' toilet with a post Pesach dump that was too thick to flush. But anyway, Astrology is widely considered to be avodah zara by the Torah and also the religion of Judaism but I read one book on it and now I am super into it and I definitely would have been one of the olden days people who peed on a statue. (I wouldn't have pooped on the statue because I would have been constipated.)

In astrology I am a Sagittarius, a sign that is known for its female superstars such as Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, Nicki Minaj, Sara Bereilles, Billie Eilish, and the Queen herself: Taylor Alison Swift. I too, am a female superstar meaning I need control, attention, and drama or I will LITERALLY die on line at a grocery store. It also means I'm always bored.

I have certain signs I like and certain signs I don't like and since it's Avodah Zara I kind of make stuff up based on the people I know who are in that sign. An analysis:

Pisces: a lot of my friends are Pisces they have all the emotions all the time and are very empathetic but when I date the men I'm like STOP STEALING ALL THE EMOTIONS LEAVE SOME FOR ME.

Aries: I love other fire signs (there are fire, water, earth, and air signs and you get the best matches in your sign. Sag is fire). Aries are passionate angry little devils and I think they are the best friends and crazy attractive

Taurus: My first love, Robert Pattinson, is a Taurus. Tauruses just work their butts off which I admire greatly but sometimes you're like RELAX FOR ONE SECOND. No, but seriously they are so reliable which I love.

Gemini-they have split personalities. The greatest people if you get the good side, the scum of the Earth if you get the bad side. Also big talkers.

Cancer-leaders who have anger issues. Some of the most fun people but also beware of going too far.

Leo-another fire sign. The life of the party. It's all about them and it should be there's something magical about them.

Virgo-Hermione Granger. Type A and anal but I love that. They love rules and are great to schedule things with. And then its fun to tease them by breaking rules.

Libra-the prettiest sign. Secretly they are all psychopaths who will smile to your face and destroy you from behind your back. Annie and Hallie in parent trap are Libras

Scorpio-the sexy sign. The classic Slytherins, they know how to look out for their own interests. Do not cross them.

Sags-ME!

Capricorns-like control. Like power. Obsessed with money. Dark and twisty.

Aquarius-thinkers who wouldn't know an emotion if it shot them in the face.

So, when I get a resume I immediately find out his birthday and decide from there if we would be a good match. So far, it's going terribly.

4. Hogwarts

Harry Potter lore says that there are four personality traits: smart, brave, other, and snake.

In reality, the best idea I heard for these is when you are dropped suddenly into a fearful situation (let's say, dark alley, man with knife) do you:

Act to protect those around you?

Act to protect yourself?

Act in the smartest way to get the least damage?

Act with your emotions and loyalty?

Gryffindors think about saving others, that's what makes them good main characters. Slytherins aren't inherently bad, they just see their own status as raised above anything else. Ravenclaws are thinkers and they will do what's smart. Hufflepuffs get clouded by emotion.

We can clearly see this in the second task in the 4th book. When sent underwater to save their loved ones, Harry, the Gryffindor, couldn't leave until he was sure everyone was safe. Cedric only needed to save his beloved, and to warn Harry that the others were coming because he was loyal to Harry from Harry's help with the dragon task. He didn't give the other hostages a second look. Krum came in fast and furious, barely noticed Harry and got his hostage out-while nearly cutting her with his sharp teeth, because his priority was go go go get out of there. Fleur never got to her hostage. She used her brains to get under water but didn't have the strength to fight the grindelows that got in her way.

I've been tested by many psychologists, neurologists, and the Sorting Hat and no one can decide if I'm a Puff or a Raven. I make a lot of decisions based on emotions and I'm known for my loyalty. I'm also logical and a thinker which can get in my way at times. I identify as a Puff and like to date Ravenclaws. But somehow Shadchans aren't into it for some reason.

5. Divergent

I couldn't finish Divergent because it's terrible but I remember the categories because the words all came up on my SAT:

Abnegation-the selfless

Candor-the honest

Dauntless-the courageous

Ok that's all I remember I'm googling the last two:

Erudite-intelligent

Amity-the Kind

Wow these are stupid. I'm definitely a candor and I would date anyone except an abnegation cause there's something missing in those people's self esteem.

6. How long would you survive the Hunger Games?

This is an important one because it's definitely coming and we should definitely be worried about it.

My plan for the Hunger Games is RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN and no stop running just try not to get murdered by a child and eventually die somewhere in the middle of starvation/exhaustion/attack by an animal of some sort. I am terrified of conflict and have zero upper body strength for knife throwing or axe wielding and that's not how I want to go. Honestly, if I saw that one kid who could set up mines setting up mines I would find him and jump on a mine and just go quickly.

I would want to date someone who also has his suicide in the Hunger Games plan worked out.

7. Which Friend are you?

Every single person on Earth is either a Rachel, Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, Ross, or Joey which basically break into

Monica-Caretaker

Rachel-Princess

Phoebe-Spiritually Weird

Ross-Smart

Joey-Dumb but hot

Chandler-Damaged

I'm a mix of Monica and Chandler but mostly Monica. I like to date Chandlers and I know. I know there's something deeply wrong there. But he covers it up with sarcasm so we'll never have to deal with it!

8. Love Language

There are 5 love languages

1. words of affirmation-desperate people who need to be complimented 24/7

2. physical touch-people who are in tune with your bodies and also want to be in tune with yours

3. quality time-people who want to sit on your couch and just stare at you

4. acts of service-people who cannot or will not pack their own lunches

5. gifts of appreciation-the psychopaths of the world

It's a good idea for you and your husband to match languages because if he's touch and you're quality time you might end up getting raped at a restaurant or something. Stay away from gifts people, you'll never be able to get a good enough gift for them and they'll resent you and eventually there will be murder.

So after I've eliminated the boys who work in professions that couldn't support a small cat and its needs, and after I've eliminated the ones who aren't a hashkafic match, and the ones who are too old and the ones who are too young and the ones who mention their affinity for Lord of the Rings in their bios, and the ones who live in Australia, and the ones who have broken backs because the weight of their hair gel was too much, I'm left with about 3 guys a year.

So I won't sort them into houses and I'll try to ignore their birthdays. When Mashiach comes I'm hoping for a large stack of resumes of all the guys who have been cured of asshole-itis to land on my desk and at that point I'll need to enneagram and meyers brig and Friends test them all to see who is right for me.

I hope the Shadchans that do use these get good results for their people. I've never really heard back from any of them so I wouldn't know. But, at the end of the day let's remember that what matters most is that he's willing to wash the dishes while you do the laundry. No combo of numbers and letters and avodah zara will tell you that.