Make Your Bed And Lay In It
Updated: Mar 9, 2021
Last night we lived through what was hopefully the last major historical event for a while. As a kid I used to read those books that were diaries of kids who lived on civil war battlefields and be so jealous that their lives were so interesting but after the last few years I want to go back to a year like 2005* where nothing important happened.
Anyway last night was huge in the realm of things that will change history as last night Meghan Markle and her husband Prince Harry spoke with the Queen of America (Oprah) about their experiences within the monarchy (or "the institution") and why they chose to leave.
I will now catch everyone up with a very biased perspective on this whole thing:
Harry is the spare to the throne, the second son born to Charles and Diana. Unless Harry murders his brother and his nephews and niece he will not be King. He's known this since birth. His mother dies when he's a young boy and the whole world watches him grieve. William puts on the brave face that we all know is suffering inside and Harry makes questionable choices for about twenty years but none of us really blame him because nebbuch. After having sex with every blonde member of British society, Harry discovers brunettes. Unfortunately the first brunette he discovers is a half black, American actress and divorcee which are all big no-nos in royal world. But this is 21st century post sexism royal world* and Harry gets to marry Meghan after 6 months of dating (compared to 10 years for William and Kate) in a lavish wedding that took place on Shavuos which is obviously blatant antisemitism.
Meghan is older than Harry and not a dumb little girl. She had a screen career which included a line in the movie "Remember Me" starring Robert Pattinson where she was the bartender who told Tyler's friend Aiden to "F*ck off." Remember Me was the first movie where I hyperventilated and had to be carried out of the theater. After that someone somewhere realized we needed to move all movies to streaming. This was my first encounter with Meghan Markle. Probably once Hollywood realized she had been in the same room as Robert Pattinson they started to hire her in earnest. When she married Harry she had a successful cable show, a blog (OMG TWINS), and a regular Hollywood lifestyle by way of Toronto where her show filmed.
The time since their marriage is what Meghan and Harry spoke about last night.
Meghan and Harry felt that since their marriage they were not being protected from the media properly. The rumors that were spreading about them were too much. Meghan also felt that she was never really taught how to be a royal. She expressed shock at England-a different country-having a different national anthem and at having to curtsy for her husband's grandmother-the Queen of England. They were also hurt to discover that as a great grandchild of the monarch and not a child of a future monarch, Archie would not qualify for a title or for security. Meghan also spoke about her difficulties with depression and her feeling that the royal family is racist.
Let's take the depression out of this. Depression is a serious issue which affects almost everybody and if it hasn't gotten to you yet, just wait. It's bad that she was depressed and didn't feel like there was help available to her. I'm sad about that.
Meghan made a big deal about having never googled Harry before she went out with him and not knowing anything about his family. This to me sounds like the ravings of a lunatic. You went out with a guy and you didn't check his references? You married him without knowing the family situation?
Again, Meghan is a grown woman. The Monarchy is a 1500 year old institution. She could have read one book. She could have watched The Crown. She could have looked at the examples of Diana and Fergie and Sophie and Kate. Three of those women were available to speak to her, and to guide her.
Had she done any of these things she may have understood that there are strict rules about who gets what within the institution. She may also have discovered that the chief legacy of the monarchy is colonizing other countries-particularly countries where people of color live-and trying to convert them to Christianity. This may have given her a heads up about the racism thing.
I also think she is taking advantage of Harry's feelings that his mother was a victim-which she was because it was a totally different situation-and painting herself as a victim to play with his feelings. Harry never got to grow up and now she's sitting on his shoulders as he sinks further into the tragedy that is his life.
She chose to debunk the popular "Meghan made Kate cry" story by turning it around and saying Kate made her cry. Remember, at the time this story happened, Kate was 4 weeks postpartum from Prince Louis.
There is someone in my life who likes to hold on to things I said/did from 8 years ago and it drives me crazy because we have all done regrettable things and all we ask is to be forgiven the way we forgive others. Meghan just proved she is that person. She's going to let the world know on TV that Kate hurt her feelings in 2018.
Wow. I think this anecdote shows a lot about Meghan. She's holding on to every little thing that happened and saying "Oh but I forgave her." Um if you forgave her, why mention it? It's because Meghan is holding on to each thing, building a case against the entire Royal Family. This case is how she pulls Harry away from them.
I once watched a movie called "The Time Traveler's Wife." In it, there's a guy who cannot control his time traveling and frequently is pulled away when he is in the middle of important activities to go visit another time. He marries his dream girl who he has frequently visited as she grew up because he can time travel and I guess likes to see his wife as a child. It's not creepy. (It's extremely creepy) After they get married, the wife starts to complain that he's never around because he is always time traveling. Which he cannot control. Which she has known since she was six. This part of the movie drove me crazy because he did not spring this on her once they were married. She was an adult who walked into a relationship knowing that her husband had this limitation. She made him feel responsible for his weird genetic condition instead of owning her own pain.
Imagine the conversation between these two:
Wife: Uch! You're never here for me because you are always time traveling!
Husband: Yeah, that's the name of the movie. I time travel uncontrollably and you make dinner.
Wife: It makes me so mad that you do that I hate it!
Husband: I know it's the worst. Remember how I've been visiting you since you were six to warn you about this in a totally not child rapey way?
Wife: Yeah I know I knew my whole life but I didn't really get it until now and now I want to spend the rest of this movie complaining about it
Husband: I cannot stop time traveling. So.....complain away? OH NO IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN
The wife knew her husband's limitation and that it could not be changed going in. She is allowed to feel sad for herself of course, having a time traveling husband who possibly child raped you is very very difficult. But telling her husband to change the plot in the middle of the movie isn't going to do anything.
Meghan knew Harry was a prince going in. She's made him tear apart his whole life and change the plot of his movie because she wasn't prepared to deal with it.
The point of dating is to learn about another person. You see them at an aquarium and in a fancy restaurant, with their friends and with their family. From that, you learn what you are getting yourself into. I've never gotten married but from my dating I've learned that people do not change. A guy who makes you feel uncomfortable with his awkwardness on the first date is not going to show up one day as a smooth talker. Someone who is late to get you with no explanation is not going to become the guy who is considerate towards your family's schedule. And the Prince of England's family is not going to suddenly become a warm and happy place that doesn't say extremely off and racist things after 1500 years of being that way.
What most people instead say is to learn to deal with these things. There's an obsession now with astrology and with love languages. Both of these are because we want to show the people in our lives that we love them in a way they will understand. We give gifts to the person who needs gifts instead of trying to convince them that really they need touch. We give attention to the Sagittarius even if they really need therapy. We appreciate the people in our lives for who they are and do not try to change the things that don't mesh with us. We appreciate them instead.
This holds true for all of the baggage we bring in to our lives. If his mother is cold to you when you meet her she will probably never become warm. If you love your spouse, you stick it out anyway and accept it for what it is. When I see something on a date I am not sure I can live with I weigh the pros and cons. Can I handle the fact that he supports the Patriots or is it a deal breaker? Because I know that once we are married it will be cruel to try and burn all of his Patriots merchandise.
Remember-you do not have to get married. When you choose to get married it means you are accepting these things about the other person. You can definitely still have feelings about them, but maybe think before sharing your feelings with Oprah. Your husband will have his things, your in-laws will have theirs, and guys out there-your wife has this one annoying friend who blogs who will never get married who you will have to host for Shabbos forever. You will put up with it because you love your wife and you knew this going in.*
I want everyone in the royal family to be happy except for Andrew who is scum of the Earth. It makes me sad that Harry ended up in a relationship with someone who refuses to see what it. She made her bed-in Buckingham Palace-and now it is time to lay in it.
*For those of you texting me that the 6th Harry Potter came out that year, I know. I meant nothing that felt horribly historical, that you could just tell would be memorized by kids in the future for school.
*Since the 1990s the crown has been slowly updating to allow divorcees, non english people, and people of color to marry in. Since 2011 succession has been by birth and not by gender. It seems slow but remember-1500 years of history here.
*This is why I introduce myself to my friends' husbands as part of the package.