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  • The Archer

Leave Your Issues At The Door

I received, via Whatsapp, an invitation to a singles' event that was being circulated around the groups I frequent.

One line (and there were many lines on which I could write articles) really struck me.

"Leave your commitment issues at the door."

From a practical standpoint I am wondering how this is going to work. Will it be a dump them on a couch situation like coats in the winter? Will there be an umbrella stand? I would suggest a line of U-Hauls for each person with valet parking so you can grab them back at the end of the event. My "commitment issues" just don't feel like they'll fit in a basket or bag, delicately left on the porch for the local neighborhood crack addict to steal.

The creator of this event must be a Nobel Prize winner. They figured out what was going wrong at all the other events: people were bringing in their commitment issues and then it was too crowded and couples couldn't hear each other from the distance of their commitment issues.

Luckily the creator of this event has created a protocol of some sort where commitment issues are able to be left at the door. I assume there's a team of experienced coat checkers or valets who have worked with commitment issues before. They perhaps have undergraduate degrees from Stanford and Masters Degrees from Yale and PHDs from Harvard and years of experience in the field of coat checking commitment issues. They have written extensively on the subject and are prepared.

Because at this event, unlike at every other event, the commitment issues are being checked at the door. The 30 year old guy who never got out from under his father's shadow and is really just wanting to marry his mother but continue to date every girl in Manhattan hoping that he can commit to one and that maybe she lets him call her mommy will suddenly find that gone at this event.

The valet for that one better not have skipped weight day at the gym. That stuff is heavy.

The 27 year old daughter of a thrice divorced mother who doesn't believe that any relationship can last longer than five years will hand all of that to the coat checker and walk in without the shadows of her childhood on her back.

The 32 year old woman who has dated over 150 guys and no longer believes that there are any quality men out there, and, that if a guy seems good it means he is hiding something, will find herself cured of her belief. Her "issue." And with no commitment issues, she'll end up with the first boy she sees!

Be careful when you attend this event. With all the commitment issues left at the door you'll probably be proposed to in a matter of minutes. So all that matters now is when do you actually get there? With the early arrivers or late comers? Remember that this probably reflects how they are in bed.

As for me, I'm not going to this event. I'll be out of town and can't make it.

But I imagine walking in and being guided to my valet who prepares to take away my commitment issues. The things I learned in my childhood. The things I've learned from dating. The repercussions of decisions I've made in my life and what I've seen my dearest friends go through. The lessons from my teachers.

I have some beliefs that need to be fixed. No one on this earth can say that they don't. There are things that every single person has gone through that have jaded us and left us guarded.

But to take away all of the things I have learned and the things I have gained would leave a very skinny child with no idea of how to move through the world.

My commitment issues exist. I think everyone has them in some way or another-even if you married your first. And I would love to live in a world where we are all open and able to be completely ourselves at all times.

Actually, I think that world may be Olam Haba (the world to come.)

But it also exists at this singles' event in Cedarhurst, New York.

I can't wait to hear of all the engagements that come pouring out from this event.

Meanwhile, I'm holding on to my baggage and going through it carefully. I can only fit 50 pounds on the airplane but some of this is important. Some of it made me who I am today.

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