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  • The Archer

Jail Wife

I wake up early, though it is Sunday. I brush my teeth and comb my hair and put on light makeup. I get into the car and begin to drive. Four hours later I arrive at my destination: the state penitentiary. I've brought cash for the vending machine with me. I go into a small room where I am searched and interrogated. It is like the airport only far worse. Finally, they let me in to a room with tables and chairs. I sit down. Eventually, he emerges, accompanied by a guard. My husband. We talk about current events and what jail is like for 45 minutes before he is returned to his cell. I drive the four hours home. I mark my calendar for the next visiting day that will occur in a month.

Based on having watched every movie and TV show that has ever existed, this is what I imagine life might be like as a wife whose husband is in jail. There are several issues here for me:

I can't drive for four hours straight, I will fall asleep behind the wheel

I can't wake up early on a Sunday, I'll spontaneously combust

I never have cash

I kind of love being interrogated/searched it is the only time anyone ever touches me for free (the paid touches are massages not prostitution) and eventually I'd enter into a steamy romance with the prison guard and we'd run away together which would be bad because that is cheating on jail husband.

So, for these reasons and more I don't think I could marry anyone who is headed to jail. Usually this isn't something I have to make plain. However, today I received a resume that looked pretty good. I decided to quickly google the name to see if there was any information on the boy.

I discovered that he had created a fake persona in order to run a business under a false claim of authority that he did not have and is currently being sued by former clients for fraud.





But like....he didn't rape a kid so should we still go out?

This may be the beginning of my Netflix show: Tinder Swindler Part 2: the Shidduch Sham.

I wonder if he creates a fake persona for dates as well. I have occasionally done this when I am bored on a date. I also do this every single time that I get my hair cut. The lady asks if I'm getting it cut for any special reason and I'm like "Yes, my boyfriend Max is taking me to dinner with his bosses Brian and Alex" and I just go on from there.

Luckily, I don't think lying to your hairdresser is a criminal offense.

But to run a business on a lie seems to be a red flag. Though many people out there would likely tell me I'm being picky or to stay off of Google and not get jaded and also avoid it because there is porn there.

What if I went out with this individual and he made a new persona just for me. Suddenly he was a millionaire who needs lots of alone time, is emotionally capable, has self awareness, is funny, enjoys films and books, always needs to fill up his time with planned activities and really wants to cook dinner every night and hire a cleaning lady three times a week? That's the kind of fraud I might just fall for.

I have to remember that honesty is the quality I search for in a partner. Because I can't be a jail wife.

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