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  • The Archer

I'm 50!

Updated: Jul 26, 2021

There is an SNL sketch where a character runs around, kicking and strutting and doing her thing, the whole time declaring "I'm 50!" In typical SNL fashion, once the character became a success, they put her in many different situations, The Sopranos, Karate class, etc. But tell any dedicated SNL fan "I'm 50!" and they will immediately know to what you are referring.

I am almost 50.

Not in my birth age (though in my essential age you never know.... ) but in the number of guys I dated. I just one and done-ed guy #49 and the next one is #50.

I used to add a lot of significance to the number date that a guy was. Boy #3 was third times the charm #7 and #13 are my lucky numbers, #11 could do a great Stranger Things purim costume with me.

The more I dated the less I cared about the numbers-only really paying attention to the creeping dread that they were climbing and climbing.

But now I'm almost 50 and 50 is a big one. 50 is the golden anniversary, any couple that makes it to 50 years is considered to really have "made it" and hopefully done well enough financially to buy each other some gold. Couples go on all sorts of excursions when they hit the 50 mark: cruises, safaris, Europe train rides, and, mostly, a look at every bathroom at every place they are, everywhere. Because they are old.

I'd love to marry guy #50. Can you imagine? Everyone would wear pale gold and I would get piles of gold jewelry and for shtick my friends could give me gold. Omg. WHAT IF HE HAS GOLD IN HIS LAST NAME? New shidduch rule: only dating guys with gold in their last name. Call me, shadchans.

But, I am currently hitting at 0. When someone has that batting average you usually stop putting them in the lineup. But somehow I'm still here in the lineup seeing the girls who hit homers on their first go and then ones who need 10-15 pitches to get the ball rolling. And I'm at 50 with no hits at all.

Yes I hear it, I'm ignoring it.

How I wish I could have made it after 20. But I'm at 50. And logic says that 50 is going to be just like the first 49 and I'm going to be done in a matter of days if not seconds.

So how should we celebrate my 50th?

I have a few ideas:

  1. Gold party-we throw a party where everyone has to wear gold and we only play Taylor swift songs where she says the word gold in them (But it's golden-Daylight, Deep blue but you painted me golden-Dancing with Our Hands Tied, I don't like a gold rush-Gold Rush, That you might not be the golden one-Tied together with a smile, A golden tattoo-Dress, it's like your body is gold-End Game, one single thread of gold tied me to you-invisible string.) Actually, that's a sick playlist. Anyway, we all do gold facials (like the ones that killed that lady in James Bond) and we each drink a golden cocktail but one of them is actual molten burning hot gold so its Russian Roulette to see who dies!

  2. 1950s party-everyone dresses like the Marvelous Mrs. Meisel and we all watch all 3 seasons of the Marvelous Mrs Meisel with no bathroom breaks (because pee is gold.) Also we bring men to say things like "Time to make dinner, ladies!" Or, "Don't worry your sweet face about politics pumpkin, I'll tell you who to vote for and that's that smoochiecakes."

  3. 50 Shades of Grey-you come to a party, we handcuff you to a bed, eventually all my friends are handcuffed to the bed and that's when the torture starts: I analyze the perfect routine construction for an Olympic gymnast for 4 hours while everyone is tied down. Kinky.

  4. Annie party-in Annie they offer $50,000 for whoever can prove themselves to be Annie's parents. In the spirit of this everyone comes to my apartment and scrubs the floor hard-knock-life style. If you could also do the oven and the bathtub that would be great.

  5. .500 party. We have a party when my home baseball team hits .500 in winning average. We all die waiting for the party to happen (mostly of old age but one or two of you spontaneously combust earlier.)

  6. 50/50 party. We go to an axe throwing place. Everyone picks lots. 50% of the crowd throws the axes, the other 50% are the targets. This could also work at paintball or a shooting range.

  7. Goldilocks and the 3 bears-we rent 3 bears and 3 beds and porridge and then put them all in a room and just sort of watch to see what happens. Everyone leaves with a teddy bear.

Actual 50 party-I watch The Sound of Music in my apartment alone and drink a bottle of Bartenura and cry.

Like I said.


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