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  • The Archer

I Got A Date Finally!

Sound the trumpets and roll out the banners because the Archer got a date! I haven't been on a date since July and in July Twitter was still a democracy so things have changed!

Actually I got two dates! I'm a slut!

Ok but really I got one date and then we planned a date and then he got sick for like two weeks and I was like in two weeks I could be a whole different person. Actually, if all goes well I will be completely different: I will be homeless and have no organs and pregnant because I sold everything and became a surrogate to pay for Taylor Swift tickets.

So, I accepted another date. When it rains it pours.

Here's the story of the sick one.

He wrote me a text to set up our initial date with a leaf emoji because fall?

I told him I was home for Shabbos.

He wrote back "Have a wonderful shabbos ! Enjoy ! #Home is the best place (high five emoji)

So far we have a space between words and exclamation points twice in a row. Two exclamation points and a hashtag that is simply not true. Home is almost always the worst place. And then another emoji and one that is definitely not shomer.

Then he left me a voice note clarifying what he said. Because I needed clarification from a person I haven't met. He also used the hebrew version of my name. I don't like that version and don't use it. I find guys call me what they want me to be.

I corrected him.

The next day:

"Is tomorrow still a good time to call?"

Whyyyyy are we planning calls the way we plan mammograms? Just call me.

Then he left me voice notes that he's sick: fine feel better.

Today we had this memorable exchange:

Me: How are you feeling?

Him: Voice note where he calls me my hebrew name again

Me: It's pronounced the english way.

Him: What day works?

Me: This day

Him:Let me check thanks.


Him:Can I text you in one hour?

Me: You can text me whenever that's how texting works

My therapist is going to be mad so I'm going to enjoy myself before I get yelled at. Yes, I should be kind but does he not understand how texting works? At this point we've exchanged ten texts or more, why does he think he needs an appointment?

The one phone call we did have the vibes I got from him were very specific: When I was in elementary school and I'd go to my friends' houses for sleepovers on Shabbos and in some more yeshivish houses I'd have this exchange with the dad:

The dad: Wait you aren't one of mine!

Me: *blushes profusely*

The dad: You're the Archer. You're in fifth grade with Devorah, right?

Me: Yes

The dad: do you like it?

Me: Yeah i really like Mrs. Klein

The dad: Ah Mrs. Klein! We love those Parsha sheets! I bet you get all the answers right?

Me: Sometimes

The dad: So nice. Welcome.

I do not know why this guy is giving me awkward dad vibes but it is not daddy vibes and I don't like it.

So, while he was sick, I accepted a date with another guy.

We met at a restaurant near where I was working for the day, but far from my home.

The date was ok. I had to do most of the talking because he doesn't have any passions and I get passionate about things I learned about five seconds ago. Some notable moments:

Him: Oh your team has that good pitcher?

Me: Yes, John Smith (not his real name.) He is the love of my life.

Him: Silent for 15 minutes.

Me: Wasn't Tom Hiddleston in that show?

Him: I think you mean Tom Holland.

Me: Right! I mix up their names because both British Toms in Marvel movies.

Him: But they are very different.

Me: I know only one of them dated Taylor Swift.

Him: Luckily.

Me: Oh I would give my kidneys to date Taylor Swift.

Him: What.

Me: What.

So after I pulled teeth for two hours and the waiter ignored us to give us privacy UGH and he didn't ask a single question about me so I had to supply all the information we left the restaurant. I walked with him toward his car and he looked at me and said the most romantic thing a girl can hear on a date:

"So how do you plan on getting home?"

Oh finally! A boy who knows my love language is being abandoned in another state! I'm not going home, I'm going to an Atlantic City chapel with you followed by a Motel 6! Because you are clearly THE CLASSIEST.

My friends often talk to me about their dates and I usually tell them to stand up for themselves because I know their value and it is infinite.

Of course, when my turn comes my instincts to not look like an idiot kick in and I say "uhhhhh the bus." I ask him for a ride to the stop because I have no self worth. He drives me at 30 MPH (on a 50 road) and I ask him if he drives in the city. He says "I'm that bad, huh?" CORRECT.

The stop is off of a busy highway and he won't make the turn so we park on the access road across from a school. It's night so the road is empty and cold and definitely a good spot to rape me for anyone looking.

We say bye and I go to the bus stop to find that the bus isn't coming for 45 minutes. Realizing how good of a rape spot this is, I call an Uber.

Later, he nearly redeems himself by checking in to make sure I got home safely. I text him back "Yup thanks." and he responds

"My pleasure."




The audacity. The. Audacity.

I'm probably going to go out with him again.

I want the self respect to insist that I be driven home despite the fact that I'm too old for anyone to want to sell my body anymore. I want a conversation that goes both ways and someone that is interested in me. I'm told I'm asking for too much.

I don't want to be that girl who won't go on a date until the transportation plan is set into place but I'm running low on patience.

And this, and the other guy who I am going to strangle Jeff Dahmer style if he calls me the wrong name one more time, are all I am getting in a year with five total dates.

And this is the year I worked the hardest on myself, overcame some of the worst, and saved up the most money for Taylor Swift tickets.

So I'm discouraged. I'm angry. I'm mad at the Yeshivas and the Rabbeim and the world and G-D and myself.

And, outside of dating, I'm pretty happy. I think I've found a way to be that isn't as painful as all the ways I tried before. The trick is loads of Broadway shows (not really) (maybe really.)

So I may fly back into my 2019 self who didn't date too much because dates only brought her down. Let G-D send my husband to me, and if he has to take the bus, then he'll know what I've been through.

I have a Taylor Swift tour to make my entire personality out of.

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