• The Archer

I Do This For You

I went on a little Zoom Zoom date recently. I knew from the second we spoke on the phone that this guy thought he created the world AND I WAS RIGHT. Please do not @ me about self fulfilling prophecies I AM AWARE. But in this case it was a world fulfilling prophecy.


I was not having this date so I bypassed the important steps of putting on makeup, brushing my hair, and wearing a bra. I figured I just wouldn't let the camera dip below my collarbone. Also I've never had kids so I can still go braless whenever I want SINGLES ARE WINNING THIS WORLD.


Speaking of kids he asked me how many I want and I said I want three boys and a girl because I want a taste of both but girls are easier to fuck up I mean just look at me.


No, no, I said "Uh...I think three or four. Not more than that. Kids are expensive and do you know how they get out of their mothers?"

He responded (and this is not a lie or even an exaggeration): "Ok good. We are aligned there."


OH THANK G-D, JESUS, AND THE EASTER BUNNY WE ARE ALIGNED ON HOW MANY KIDS WE WANT ON DATE ONE.


At this point I sent his little Zoom box to the corner of my screen and started texting my friends because I need constant validation constantly. Just ask anyone on a group chat with me. Of course, then I didn't realize that the camera was picking up my braless torso but you know what? Dave and Buster were holding their own.


I asked this guy what he likes to do for fun and he said "I like to watch the news because I find it crazy that when a new story comes in they just move on from the old story."


So now I know how the news works.


I asked him his favorite holiday (at this point I'm also watching New Girl on the side) and he said Yom Kippur because he doesn't have to prepare. I said "Oh, I have such a hard time focusing on Yom Kippur" and he said "I have a trick for that. You just pay attention to what the words mean."


I laughed so hard that I shot urine out of my nipples (no bra) and then realized he was serious. I said in my best sarcasm voice "why hasn't anyone told me this before?" He said with all seriousness "Isn't that crazy that no one teaches that? I told it to my mother and it changed her whole Yom Tov."


I really hope his mother was faking but then again she raised him so probably not.


I had some teacher or another go over the Yom Kippur words every single year for 14 years (Jewish college) and I discovered something: the translation is just as boring as the hebrew.


Not to be sacrilegious, of course the words are beautiful and important but it is a 400 page book basically saying "We are sinners, terrible sinners, we sin wantonly by eating Chinese food from Manalapan, and we sin purposefully but You our Holy G-D will forgive us because You are Mighty and Forgiving."


Though of course, I do pay attention to the Mincha torah reading every year because that has sex in it. (Flashback to me as a third grader reading the english chumash for fun because I discovered the parts my teacher skipped were JUICY. That third grader never grew up.)


Of course, this is all on me for being a millennial raised by the TV who can't even focus for the three days a year G-D wants me to focus. And then He forgives me anyway, which is really really nice because I spend a lot of the year discussing how the fact that I, one person of 8 billion, am not married means the universe is meaningless. One day I hope to be better, but of course I'm not going to try that hard because I've never tried hard for anything in my life. Also I'm still paranoid that if I'm a good davener then Hashem is going to desire my prayers like He did when He denied Sarah and Rachel children and since I firmly believe I am on their level I think it may happen to me so instead I don't daven so Hashem will just give me a husband and money and make the seat next to mine always be empty on planes.


At the end of this ordeal the guy said "So do you want to set up an in person date?"

Yes I do. Right after I watch a four hour Google Ad tutorial, have a colonoscopy, watch Uncut Gems while high, and use a chainsaw as a tampon.


I told him I'd think about it while I texted the Shadchan a "No, No, definitely not" in the same voice Olivander uses when he lets Harry try out a basic ass wand.


So readers, I hope you enjoyed this little nugget of a date. I'm going to forget it ever happened now. See you next time for another episode of What's Wrong With Men?


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