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  • The Archer

How To Kill A Shidduch

I just received an email with the subject "Surefire way to kill a shidduch." Before I open it, let's brainstorm what the way could be:

Pooping your pants on the date

Admitting that you work as a life coach after taking a 6 hour course

Ghosting the girl and then turning around and texting her a month later claiming you were in a car accident-except she heard this story from her friend to whom you also did this

Telling the girl "I like watching women eat"

Leaving the girl at a random bus stop in the middle of nowhere at 10 PM.

Revealing a fun secret about yourself-you're actually 45

Asking for a picture when you are already on the date

Taking a picture when you are on the date

Telling stories about your ex the entire time

Smell bad

And the way this email claims is the best is....


Stop thinking and just get in bed. We need to stop teaching our children literature/science! They are becoming too discerning of the trash we are foisting upon them! That's the real Shidduch crisis.

I understand the thesis of the article-overthinking can lead to flaw searching and it's impossible to fall for someone when you are just seeking out their flaws.

But aren't we nuanced enough to skip the click bait? It's my opinion that telling people not to think send an entirely wrong message. Don't forget that after the shidduch crisis comes the flash divorce crisis followed by the young divorce crisis followed by the middle age divorced crisis followed by the Boomers who hate each other but refuse to get divorced crisis. Some of these can be avoided by-you guessed it-thinking a little harder about the second biggest decision you will ever make.

The biggest decision is where you will go to Seminary which is actually before the mitzvah of pru irvu in the Torah's secret prequel. Also included are the mitzvos of Yeshiva Week and not spending four years in college.

I've been working on not overthinking. It's hard-I'm an analyst and I want to piece everything together. I infer all the information I get into one big package that allows me to draw dramatic conclusions about peoples' drama-and I'm usually right. Which is good because I live for drama.

But I don't want to turn my brain off. My brain is a huge chunk of my personality and I'm looking for someone who I can spar with on an intellectual level.

I got these dimmer lights that Alexa controls on Amazon and I kind of wish Alexa could control me like the lights. Put me on a romantic setting with 40% brain 60% heart. Listen to our conversation and decided whether to raise or lower the percentages.

I can't stop thinking, I'd honestly rather stop breathing #dark!

Can we instead ask for both parties to think a little more?

Think more about how the person across from you is as well rounded and complex as you are

Think more about how you can put your best foot forward

Think more on how to make your date feel safe and comfortable

Think more on how to improve yourself

Think more on if you have a perfect picture in your head and how to let go of that

Think more on being emotionally available

Don't listen to the voices telling you not to think. Find the nuance in your thoughts and embrace them.

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