top of page
  • The Archer

How About That, Mike?

I miss baseball so very much. Last night I had to watch a movie and knit without also watching a game and I was very under stimulated. So, I thought I'd start applying the absolute shit-show that is baseball commentary to other aspects of my life.

For anyone who doesn't know, baseball is quite slow. That's why you get these long conversations from the commentators about-and this is not a joke-the length of the grass.

One way I've been entertaining myself on dates (the single most under stimulating activity on earth) is by imagining that my two disparate personalities are baseball commentators. And I'm going to let you in to the cesspool spiral of my brain to hear what it's like.

Hi everybody I'm Mike Clark

And I'm Dave Collins

Welcome to today's game on 690 The Nap sponsored by Uber. Uber-for when your date gives you rapey vibes. Just call an Uber.

We've got quite the lineup today, wouldn't you say Mike?

Oh yes Dave, I can't remember a date with stakes quite this high since pre-pandemic

The Shadchan today is the Team Boy's aunt who recently fulfilled Team Girl's shabbos order at Stop and Shop. Mike, I was told that after the aunt saw how much Team Girl spent on dips she called her nephew immediately. Team Boy has been looking for an outcome where the opposite team will support them completely.

Is Team Boy learning?

Nope, as you know most of the national league players are earners. Team Boy has just been playing with the absolute deadbeat strategy.

It seems to be going well for them Mike, they've been on 78 dates this year.

Team Girl meanwhile has been using the achievement tactic. They've been working in the training gym on career, spiritual, physical, familial, emotional, social, and monetary achievement.

How's that strategy playing out for them?

This is their first major league game in eight months.

Yikes. You would think all that effort would pay off.

You would think but that's why dating is such a popular game. Anything can happen.

Now remind me why the stakes are so high?

Team Girl doesn't know this yet, but she's about to gain 14 pounds as a reaction to her acne medication which is going to really set her back for the rest of the season.

Injuries do happen, do you think they could just date through the acne instead?

Unfortunately acne is a season ending injury so they're going to take the weight gain with plans to rehab during the off season

Good thing the off season for Team Girl is eleven months long

But don't forget that due to league rules she will gain an additional 10 pounds in the first six months from looking at Ben and Jerry's in the store.

Plus if the union strikes, she'll have acne and weight gain together until a deal can be reached.

Oh look Mike, Team Boy is heading onto the field, Team Girl is still warming up. No wait, Team Boy forgot to bring their bats, we've got a slight delay folks. Team Girl is ready to go, just trying to stay warm for the game. Team Boy is back, sorry for the delay. Naturally Team Girl has begun to deal with some muscle cramps from the false start.

And here we go.

Team Boy makes the first move. He pulls up to her apartment and-oh wow this is a first in all of my years of commentary! He's parking in the Hatzalah ambulance while it is loading a sick person. That's got to be a foul.

Yup here comes the Umpire

Umpire: That's an idiot foul on Team Boy. Team Girl loses a point.

You know Dave, this is what I love about dating. It's the only game where the foul from one team takes points away from the other team.

Team Girl is approaching Team Boy's vehicle. Team Boy loses 3 points for having a sticky lollypop stuck to the front seat.

Team Girl gains a point for sitting and buckling in without a single knee exposure.

You know Mike, Team Girl has been working on that move and I've got to say she's really one of the top ones in the sport today.

We've got a move from Team Boy-Dave he is asking Team Girl where she wants to go.

Does this mean Team Boy has approached this game without a strategy plan and he wants to borrow one from Team Girl?

Yes it does.

Wow. This is why Team Boy has really been come to known for his fucking audacity.

Now as you know, Team Girl has a highly qualified fanbase of mental health professionals who fund the games and get pretty upset when Team Girl doesn't provide the opposing team with a strategy.

Is that really Team Girl's job?

Nope, but as a publicly traded team they have different rules than most.

Why did the management agree to the public trade deal?

Unfortunately there just wasn't enough funding in the emotional energy department for Team Girl to move forward without it.

Even with all that practice time?

Even so.

Team Girl is providing their opponent with a strategy now, looks like it's the restaurant play.

What the restaurant play does for Team Girl is ensures that even with a loss they at least mitigate the risk of injury to any of their players. This is important in a game like this where Team Girl always enters the game with -100000000000 odds. You just want to avoid that injury risk.

Team Boy just lost 8 points on a combination move that included not buckling his seatbelt, typing into his GPS while driving, having a GPS instead of using his phone, running a stop sign, and brutally murdering a border collie with his car.

Yikes, this is off to a brutal start already.

I'm hearing from the field that Team Boy just asked Team Girl what her strategy will be if she makes playoffs.

Wow Mike, that is quite the move considering this is the first game of the season. Team Boy is definitely going to lose some points for that.

Team Girl just gained a two point advantage by telling Team Boy that life coaching sounds like a great career choice without an ounce of sarcasm in her voice.

That's really why we watch this game Dave, moves like that are just so well played.

We've got a parking delay here in the second inning

It's so interesting because Team Girl did warn Team Boy in the pregame notes that parking in this area was basically impossible

It's almost as if Team Boy didn't read the pregame notes.

They're pulling into a garage so minus 46.95 for Team Boy and minus 100 for Team Girl.

Why is Team Girl losing points on his maneuver?

Team Boy is claiming that the fact that there isn't parking in Manhattan is Team Girl's fault-potentially a tactic to get more money out of Team Boy.

You know Mike, I don't really get how it helps Team Girl for Team Boy to spend money on parking.

Oh, it does not help her at all. However women are to blame for all of the world's problems and Team Boy is now resentful of Team Girl. Team Girl should have worked harder to make this a pleasant experience for Team Boy.

Maybe next time Team Girl should lie in the middle of the street with her legs open to just ensure that Team Boy goes home happy.

Actually Mike, last year's VIP Now Married Girl used that tactic to excellent results in the final.

Fair point Dave.

We move ahead to the dinner portion of the game.

Team Boy is working with a tactic where they talk about every single time they've ever had soup after ordering the soup. How's that going in breaking through the opposition?

Well Mike, the tactic is so bad that Team Boy has been moved backwards off of the field of play and into the stands.

Oh! Team Girl pulls a bathroom card!

This is the earliest a bathroom card has been pulled in a game since 2016.

Team Girl uses the phone option on her bathroom card, the two almost always go together. She is using the option to text a friend using the text "I am going to fucking hang myself from the rafters in this bathroom." Little dramatic, don't you think?

Honestly, I would probably make the same call. My method of choice was usually pills though. Cleaner that way.

Now this is an interesting choice, we have Team Boy deciding to tell Team Girl about his ex girlfriend.

We see that from time to time.

It's clear he's rehearsed this speech quite a few times, which is a bit odd considering it almost always loses him points.

Yup, there go five points from Team Boy.

Oh look at this, Team Girl is telling him a great story about her job that shows she's responsible, friendly, and caring.

Her points aren't updating.

Now why's that?

She used the phrase HR and Team Boy is struggling to figure out what that means.

Oof, we have the rare vocabulary foul.

And now we have 137 seconds of silence.

Whose turn was it?

Team Boy

Ah, the smoke out trick

Not quite Mike. As you may know the smoke out trick involves foresight. Team boy's players are combing the field trying to find an opening.

The entire field is open Dave, Team Girl is getting a pep talk from the imaginary coach.

Well even with the entire field in play, Team Boy just cannot move forward.

It's halftime, we've got the halftime meal being placed on the table now.

Time for a word from our sponsors:

Today we've been sponsored by therapy for idiots. Therapy for idiots is for men and women but 99.9% men who need to get very basic shit together before any self reflection. Therapy for idiots caters to specific needs like making small talk, cleaning up after ourselves, basic hygiene, having a job, recognizing yourself as a separate entity from your mother, and more. Therapy for idiots is not for people with actual developmental conditions. This is for men who could not find the motivation to fall down a flight of stairs. Therapy for Idiots! Get 10% off when you mention this ad.

Team Girl seems to be taking a much more aggressive approach this half.

Yeah she has taken an offense only approach going on now and while it is sloppy, it does get this game moving.

She's giving him an extended explanation of neighborhoods in Manhattan and which are her favorites.

You'll see that even though she won't gain a lot of points here, the points still add up and keep them both from a silence foul.

The waiter has been withholding the check, probably a move by the sports commission to get more ad time.

This game has really been ruined by the commission rules.

It really has.

He has a chance here to regain some points by being gracious with the check. Will he do it?

No, Mike, he's decided to complain about how expensive dating is.

What a blown opportunity.

We've got a practically silent ride home, can't be fun for the folks at home to watch.

How is he going to handle the hail mary goodbye?

He's decided to go with driving away before she's even closed the passenger door.

Wow, not a great game for either of them but we definitely saw more quality moves from Team Girl. Let's go to the final score.

Team Boy: Loses some money and gas, has another date set up for tomorrow night with a prettier girl who makes even more money. Will eventually marry a blonde Brooklyn girl whose father is loaded and will experiment with crypto as a career, ultimately losing over $400,000

Team Girl: Will get yelled at by the Shadchan, her family, and her therapist that she didn't try hard enough. Will go on another date after the next president is elected. Becomes dehydrated from crying with frustration and will need to miss two days of work. Considers hiring a dating coach. Considers becoming a nun. Buys a dress to feel better. Texts seven different friends to get validation that she is dating beneath her station and she doesn't deserve these losers. Will get married in 8 years to a divorcee with three kids who went to therapy after his divorce and finally gained a minute percentage of the maturity that Team Girl has. Will endure comments about G-D having a plan for the rest of her life.

Once again it's a runaway win for Team Boy.

How about that, Mike?

94 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All
bottom of page