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  • The Archer

He's Just Not That Into You

There have been 3 times, according to my extensive dating document entitled "To All The Boys I've Loved Before" where I have suspected that my date was not as straight as he claimed to be. Two of those boys are currently married to women and the other one is still looking, so get excited ladies.

Boy #21 was the only one where I felt this immediately. We were set up by a mutual friend and he called me to arrange the date. I picked up the phone and said "hello?" and he said "Hi it's Questionable (not his real name) (WHAT?) how are you?" and my Gaydar went off so hard that I blacked out for a solid two minutes. When I came to we arranged the date, dinner at a popular restaurant.

I went into our date trying my best not to be judgmental. Maybe Questionable's voice was questionable but perhaps in real life-

-oh there he is.

Oh. He is as gay as a rainbow eating a cupcake in a Lady Gaga movie.

We had a nice time talking (he also likes Taylor Swift and has been to her concerts! His favorite show is Scandal!) and I finally got to try the most expensive thing on the menu (chef's salad was better) and we both went on our merry ways, only to run into each other a million more times before he finally got married (to a woman) and moved out of my neighborhood.

Could I have been wrong about him? Of course, I've been wrong at least 4 times in my life if not more. But I don't think I was.

I can't commentate on the matter because I don't know how hard it must be for him to be dating when your heart isn't in it or to be dating when everyone makes assumptions about you. I know that it must be terrible and for that I am sorry.

I jumped to another quick assumption with boy #22 who we will call Cardigan.

This time it was a positive assumption. I met him at the boardwalk at Coney Island where he was wearing a cardigan. He spent much of the date interested in me; my opinions, my likes and dislikes, my interests. For me, that's a great date. I got to talk and I left thinking "Wow. We were really connecting. This could be the one."

Not so fast Archer.

The connecting was more of a test, a test that I failed by liking the things that I like and being honest about that. He was going through his hashkafic list to see if I made the cut and I did not.

Two boys, both not into me for different reasons.

I would run into Cardigan again at a vort for my friend where we had this notable exchange:

Cardigan: Oh, are you school friends with the Kallah?

Me: Have we met?

Cardigan: Yeah we dated.


If it is not clear he was wearing the same cardigan. Also I forgot that he existed.

I saw him again on a singles shabbaton where we were seated at the same table because the event arrangers thought we were compatible. He was still wearing the cardigan.

Sometimes knowing a guy isn't interested in you hurts. Other times it's a giant relief. Occasionally I wish that there were only two sexual orientations available: interested in The Archer and not interested in The Archer. Then whenever someone rejected me I would have something to blame it on.

But, as you may have noticed, I am also turned off when someone is super into me because they obviously must be crazy.

I think the level I want is someone who just wants to get to know me. Let go of all the major life decisions stuff and let's just talk.

But that problem isn't just the guys problem. It's my problem as well. I want to know every detail and not waste time and take people through my own checklist.

But I know what I want from others. So now it's time to want that from myself.

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