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  • The Archer

Getting Smarter

Back in the olden days when I first started dating, I could tell that every guy I went out with really liked me with a few notable exceptions. There were even a few that I really wanted to give my best Regina George "Why are you so obsessed with me?".

After the first few times I was dumped I thought I would gain knowledge from the experience. I would know the signs and dump them first because no one puts the Archer in a corner.

Except that, even after having been dumped more times than I'd like to mention, I still think every single guy I date is completely obsessed with me.

I'm a Sagittarius, an Archer. I have a hard time believing that anyone of sound mind and body isn't in love with me. Obviously I also believe that if anyone really knew me they would hate me because I'm a millennial raised by boomers. But, on the surface level of first through fourth dates, I know that I do a perfect job so it is always a shock ala Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner reuniting when I get rejected.

And it drives me nuts that my graph for gaining self awareness in this area is a straight line.

I think I give pretty good cues when I'm not interested in someone. I've fallen asleep, asked to be taken home, discussed panda sexuality, and given all sorts of other signs.

There may be guys giving me signs that I am ignoring. I may be ignoring these signs because I am completely obsessed with myself and what is going on in my head.

They may not be giving me signs and I may not be at fault at all.

There may just be a lot of guys out there who can't handle dating someone they actually like. I love this reason. It frees me of all culpability like all of my favorite reasons.

Maybe I should do a survey of the guys who rejected me. I could write them each a text like

"Hello! I hope you are doing well. I'm sorry, that wasn't honest, I hope that every time you want to make nachos you discover blue fuzz on your cheese. Anyway, remember when we dated? I was the girl with the amazing eyes and the butt that stops the Dominicans in Washington Heights? You said you were done after BLANK NUMBER of dates. Can you describe more of why that was? Was it:

A. A deep you issue probably stemming back to your parents and maybe even the Holocaust that I had nothing to do with. I can send you a referral for a therapist (btw you should get a free session for every friend you refer to a therapist that should be in the Constitution.)

B. A "me" issue that's really a you issue like that I'm not your look or your hashkafa or you felt that I was too good for you.

C.A "me" issue that was actually a me issue like that you didn't like me. Please describe in 2,000 words why you felt that way and why you are now sorry.

That would probably be excellent content especially if I did the ones who have since then gotten engaged/married. Their significant others would love it.

But, I have an inkling that the responsible and mature people in my life would advise me against this so I am going to advise myself against this.

See, this was something I might have done five years ago but now I know not to. That's growth! So, where is my growth on recognizing if a date is going well for the guy or not?

I mean there are the obvious signs that I know-making the date longer, body language, proposing marriage are all signs that it's going well. Sometimes I get all of those things (I may exaggerate) and still get a no.

And the worst part is that nos after a first date hurt the most.

A no after a fifth date is pure relief. You get your life back and you don't have to deal with this person's weird quirks anymore. You will never have to meet his crazy sister and you can find someone with greater earning potential.

A first date is all potential. The quirks are (usually) buried in the closet with the alternate sexual orientations and you can often get exactly what you are looking for: two hours with a guy who feeds you, makes money, is good looking enough, and has siblings and parents who exist without details and some likes and dislikes. I could totally get married after a first date because it's all surface and surfaces are smooth.

If I'm not getting better at reading these cues could I be getting worse? I may be so scared of my own flaws that I hyperfocus on my external perfections and am unable to see anything around me.

I want to not be surprised anymore. I want to know with certainty when I say "thankyousomuchhadagreattimedrivesafehaveagreatnight" whether or not I will have to see this person again.

Of course, I want to not be surprised anymore in a lot of arenas other than album drops. And it isn't possible.

So yes, boy #56 took me out. It was fine. We seemed to get along well. Then he used a line to dump me via text the next day.

And I wanted to know that it was going to happen before it did but I didn't.

I also want to know that I'm not going to be alone forever so that I can say I see that too.

But I still don't.

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