Erosion

I just went on a super fun Zoom date where I had this exchange:

Him: What do you like to do after work

Me: Talks about 4 of my ten thousand hobbies and includes knitting

Him: What do you knit?

Me: I'm making a blanket for my friend's daughter

Him: I can tell you put your heart into it

Me: Oh. Um. Not really.

Him: No I can tell. It's that charm you have. I can tell.

Me: *jams a pen into my eye socket*

The entire date was like this. Vaguely creepy but not enough to be actually creeped out but still creepy.

He got really excited that we both like Taylor Swift. I should have probably appreciated our shared interests but I was like hm.

It's always a hm.

Like you can appreciate Taylor and recognize that she created the world the heavens and the earth but I've been to the concerts and I danced like crazy because it was apparent at the concerts that there were two categories of people there: women and gay men. To the point where the football stadium where the concert took place rebranded all the restrooms as women's restrooms for the duration of the concert. Which, was actually not that great because the men's restrooms had one stall and then a large trough where they pee? And I cannot pee in a trough? Also no wonder all men are messed up???

Then we got to the fun part: comparing Netflix shows!

He watches some lawyer thing I skipped, we both watch the Crown. Then we had this exchange which I am going to cross stitch and hang on my wall.

Him: My favorite show is, it's a little off color but, have you heard of Bridgerton

Me: Oh yeah. I know Bridgerton

Him: Have you seen it?

Me: Mostly season one episode 5 the last five minutes over and over

Him: It's kind of pornographic. Wow this got awkward!

Me: *pulls the pen out of my eye socket and bursts both ear drums instead*

Him: I had a friend and his fiance over. Sorry his Kallah. (Do I not know what fiance means?) We watched Bridgerton on the couch and the girl was like "Oh that guy is hot" and I clapped my friend on the back and said "Don't worry it's you she loves" but he looked super nervous!

Me: *Trying to get the pen in my jugular*

I texted someone close to me "Help I'm on a date and he watches girl porn." They texted back "What do you mean by girl porn?" And I responded "Like hot men getting out of the water, guys on horseback, people in period clothing dancing and barely not touching and their fists tighten and then loosen to show how much they want someone. You know like real filth." They texted back "Oh I thought you meant like two girls kissing but yeah this is way worse."

Here's what I want: I want someone who respects what I like but follows the gender norms. I want to have movies my husband and I both love, ones that he has to cajole me to watch and others I need to bug him into watching.

But mostly I want to either be single or married. These dates with these ridiculous exchanges are sucking out my life force. I could be single forever and find ways to enjoy myself. I cannot enjoy myself when I am in this parsha of trying too hard to open myself up to relationships and finding that the people on the other end are... worth stabbing my own ear drums.

Will I become weirder the longer I'm single, the way I seem to gain three pounds every time I sneeze? That's the fear. It's certainly not unfounded because I see it in every boy I date. I want to like myself but I worry that the self I know is eroding against these acid waters.

It's a funny little story. It was thirty minutes of my night. It doesn't mean anything.

But it erodes and I erode and I don't know what will be left when it's over.