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  • The Archer

End of An Era

Boys #9 and #10 were not similar to each other in any way. However, the experiences were similar in that I was dating a quality guy who simply was not for me.

It's always nice to date a quality guy, even if it is clear he isn't the one for you because it shows that there are, in fact, quality guys out there. Sometimes this isn't so clear.

But both of these boys taught me something and for that I am grateful.

I must preface their stories by saying-this past Friday night I sat up in bed and realized that I had forgotten to put boy #10 on my list. He was a very quick one and done and I knew-with total certainty-that I had forgotten to add him which meant my entire calculation was off. I couldn't even remember his name! Was it Meir? Simcha? Meir Simcha? Simcha Meir? Nothing sounded right. This agitated me for the entire Shabbos until I checked my spreadsheet and discovered I hadn't forgotten him at all and his name wasn't close to Meir or Simcha.

Anxiety: It's the American past time.

#9 I will call EggDrop. EggDrop was set up with me by a friend of a friend who had just been out with him and thought of him for me. Our go between was his sister in law. From this I learned ALWAYS use a neutral third party. I had feedback after our first date that I did not feel comfortable saying to her because she was his sister in law and in some ways, saw him as a brother.

EggDrop was also the first identical twin I dated, and the second twin in general. I know a lot of people have weird things with dating twins like "Omg there's another one? What if that's the better one? What if both twins get married and are both in a car accident and get amnesia and we don't know who is who? How will I know which one my husband is? What if I put my hand on my brother in law's shoulder one day thinking it's my husband and then I have to cut off my hand?"

But obviously, I haven't thought much about it at all! Those people that think about it are crazy! It did give me an opportunity to commiserate with him. His twin was married, my sister was engaged, we both had experienced similar trauma.

EggDrop took me on our first date to the Shops at Riverside, a popular mall in Bergen County New Jersey for dating, walking around, and getting ice cream.

Just one problem: Bergen County malls are closed on Sunday because otherwise Jesus's holy light might be masked by the artificial and gashmius infused lights of capitalism in the 2010s. Jesus only shops online. Be like Jesus. But also THIS IS IN NEW JERSEY HOW IS THIS A THING OUTSIDE OF WYOMING?

I'm 99.99999999% sure that a mall that is closed on Sunday is antisemitism.

So we arrive at the mall and find that about 90% of it is closed. The one part that is open?

Barnes and Noble.

So poor EggDrop got a treat as I hogmarched him through every aisle of Barnes and Noble and pointed at all the books I wanted to read and why I wanted to read them which I'm sure was great for him. After my march was over, we sort of wandered in circles for another hour, during which I was dying to sit down, but that sweet release of sitting for a few minutes never came.

Overall it was an okish date. He seemed very quiet and I hadn't learned much about him. We spoke about our favorite foods and (you know what's coming) I said chinese food.

So next date was chinese food. Hence, Eggdrop.

It was very sweet of him to try and do something that I would enjoy. It was also too on the nose for me, my Sag energy is all geared toward pushing back when someone shows affection.

We had another fine date. We spoke about nothing at all and I tried to find a nice way to tell his sister in law that he was just too quiet for me and that was that.

Boy #10 I will call Teeth because he clearly had veneers and you simply could not look away, was a Hail Mary (SPORTS!) from a Shadchan who knew that after my graduation from college I would be moving back to my hometown to work at a job I had been offered out of a summer internship. She thought we should at least meet and see during my last week in New York.

He picked me up, brought me to lunch nearby, and we talked for an hour or two. I remember two things about this date:

  1. When we were walking home he asked if I'd like to walk around the park and I said "I have to study for finals" and that was the only time I have used that excuse truthfully. The next day I took a killer final that I got a very hard earned 82 on.

  2. He had a story about a friend of his that accidentally used a women's mikva in Israel and I kept spoiling the punchline because it was so obvious from the beginning what the punchline would be. That's an Archer move. I've learned to let them say the story and get to the punchline themselves and then give a laugh. I've also learned that sometimes nervous boys talk about mikvahs on first dates and you have to deal with it.

We were totally off Hashkafically and I called it after 1 date. I would graduate college single, with my sister's wedding 2 weeks away, ready to move back home, get to work, and perhaps give up on dating for awhile.

I saw Teeth on Simcha Spot about six weeks later with a girl who looked thrilled to be next to him. EggDrop, no matter how I try, I cannot find on Google. I hope he is ok and is still kind and has perhaps learned to express himself a bit more.

My college dating career was over. I would never again have to sign in with a disgruntled guard if I came home past 11 and never would I turn as I got into the car and see dozens of windows with faces pointing at me.

Many of my friends got married that summer, now that they were done with school. I would consider this one of the hardest periods in my life, between my sister, the adjustment to working life, and feeling as if I was "losing" my friends and being left behind.

Little did I know there was plenty more where that came from.

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