• The Archer

End Game

I've always adored a good wedding. Yes, weddings are romantic, spiritual, and a public portait of a family's love but more than that, weddings are a logistics nightmare. And nothing on this Earth excites me more than a logistics nightmare.

This is the same reason I love theater. The songs, costumes, performances, and emotions are incredible but more importantly how did the girl who was playing the mom change costume and get to stage right in time to play the beggar woman? Weddings are just another branch of theater where everything must be perfectly in sync in order to work for the audience. At the end of the day both of these events are enormous puzzles that one must work on until every piece fits. Weddings have added complications-2 different families with different financial constraints (or four, if the bride and groom are both financially independent and contributing) two main stars who are not supposed to see each other before the moment of truth, multiple family members and family layouts causing drama, the pressure of making this the best day ever, guests that never do what they are supposed to and more.

A few years ago I offered to help a friend with her wedding for the challenge it would give me. I got to monitor the RSVPs, plan the seating, and coordinate timing on the day itself.


This is my ZONE.

Your mother just called and wants to bring 6 extra aunts who you've never heard of before? I have eventualities like that planned in the seating. I have the hall coordinator on speed dial. I've got this.


I don't even mind some bridezilla attitudes. Mostly this is because I know if I ever get married I am going to be the worst bridezilla ever. Here's how working with me will look:


Friend: Hey Archer! I want to make you a shower!

Me: OMG you are too sweet! I would love that, thanks!

Hangs up.

Thirty seconds later

Me: hey so I was thinking would it be ok if you made the shower on the 12th? I just coordinated all my friend's schedules by hacking into their phones and saw that's when everyone I want to come can come and when that one girl can't make it. Also, the theme should probably be A Walk Through The Forest From Twilight with Taylor Swift while we look at Astrology but like zero pressure to make it themed but also I already bought all the stuff for it. It was 2007, they were having a sale, it's no big deal. Also, I made the invite already cause I was watching a show and I had a second so no worries on the invites. Also, I know planning a game is the worst part so I planned a game where I will win because you wish I'm losing during my shower. You know what? Why don't I plan the shower but I'll put your name and email on the invitation so no one thinks its me planning it cause that would be weird. Are you ok with me checking the RSVPs in your email? I remember your password from when you made it in fourth grade. Ok good because I've been checking your emails for a month already. You have a dentist appointment tomorrow don't forget.


So clearly I have some space in my heart for a crazy bride. I also have a deep belief that we get like 3 days each (bas mitzvahs, which are awful, the day you get your license, and your wedding day) and you should take the time to make it as amazing as you would like even if everyone around you hates you by the end.


If your wedding is a tiny microcosm of your marriage it's probably important that your husband hates you by the end.


So, since that first wedding, I've assisted in a few other friends weddings to varying degrees. It's always so much fun. For many people, the family wants to sit back, relax and enjoy the ceremony and I am able to keep them on schedule and where they need to be without any worries. It's using my G-D given talents to make others happy while making myself the most happy.


The main way I help out my brides is by preparing them a large personalized Google Spreadsheet with vendors and a month by month schedule. The month-by-month is me controlling myself from going week by week or minute by minute.


Obviously I have this spreadsheet made for my wedding and filled out with everything I want. I have a packing list. I may have seating done already. I have a day-of the wedding schedule and a guest list for if it is still Corona and I can only have 100 people or 150 people. In addition to my regular guest list which has everyone I have ever met on it and how to contact them. I have spots where the groom's info will go in.


I've had this ready for years and no, I'm not seeing anyone.

The same way I daydream about finding a man who can maintain a conversation for more than 90 seconds I daydream about creating a gorgeous display of logistical challenges to begin my marriage. I've been able to use the oddly specific daydreams I have to help others which is more than my imaginary husband has ever done for me.


The nice thing about being single for awhile is being able to plan this to perfection. It will never be able to encompass everything I want-and that's part of the fun. I get to decide which pieces to keep and which to release. It'll be my day. I'll own it.


Right now my life doesn't have very many puzzles for me to solve. I work from home, go to the gym, occasionally hurt every fiber of my being by going to speed dating events, read books, eat. I long for a happy reason to complicate some things, something to wrap my brain around that isn't Netflix.


Marriage is the end game. Wedding is a mandatory stop on the way there. It's taking forever to get from my last stop (college graduation? high school graduation? birth?) to this one. Meanwhile I keep making up puzzles for myself to solve. May as well enjoy the journey.


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