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  • The Archer

Double Or Nothing

I thought at this point I'd had every dating experience there is. I've swung all the way to the right and back to the left in my dating life and tried many things. But, just last week, I was given a new opportunity I had never had before.

The Double Date.

I know. Scandalous. How did a pure angel like myself find myself in such a situation?

I have a confession: Last week I went to Miami in the midst of a global pandemic because I put my mental health and my addiction to food and sunshine ahead of the global welfare. Yes, I am one of those and you are free to privately hate me in your own homes or places of work.

I embarked on this trip with a dear friend of mine and on Shabbos we headed to the local Chabad to stare at men and for me to gorge myself on chulent. While there, my friend saw a guy she was supposed to go out with on her return home. We spoke with him for a short while and let him know our plans for our trip.

The next day while on the beach this man (we'll call him Chulent because he got in the way of me finding more chulent) texted my friend to see if she wanted to go out. Being a good friend, she did not want to abandon me on a beach by myself. (Being abandoned on a beach by myself is my top fantasy fyi.) So Chulent found himself a friend who we will call YouTube as he posts videos about the parsha there. We planned for Chulent and YouTube to pick us up later that night.

After a new experience I like to make a pros and cons list to figure out how I felt about the new situation. Enjoy musing through my thoughts with me.

Double Dating

Pro: Easy way to see if the guys are planners or not

When the boys pulled up they had already assigned us seats in the car so there was no awkward oh gosh who should sit where moment. I sat with YouTube in the front while Chulent and my friend sat in the back.

Con: Double Conversations

As if first drive conversations weren't bad enough now there are two of them going on at the same time and one will always be better than the other

Pro: One will be better than the other

YouTube clearly had his life together, had varied interests, and seemed less high maintenance. Chulent used a word I never ever use that starts with R as a verb. Chulent's stories of how he isn't quite sure what he and his father do for a living but it sounds a heck of a lot like money laundering made YouTube's home business seem like being tenured at Harvard.

Con: One will be better than the other

Clearly this worked in my favor on this date but it also gave me a heightened appreciation for YouTube that he probably didn't deserve simply because he wasn't Chulent. I also have to wonder if my friend made me seem weak by comparison or vice versa.

Pro: In group food settings life gets crazy real fast

Chulent ordered us all a round of drinks, something that never happens on a one on one drink. I was brought the wrong drink (a mojito) and allowed to keep it as well as my real drink (a strawberry vodka thingy) when the waitress realized her mistake. In fact, perhaps the restaurant was so overwhelmed by the idea of a double date that all the wait staff lost their minds. We had multiple occasions of being served the wrong food or being asked whether this particular dish was ours. We didn't know what our food was supposed to look like so how would we know? Either way, this turned into a great conversation piece.

Con: Someone's going to cheap out

Y'all know me on dates. I get my moneys worth. YouTube apparently did not feel that way and was satisfied with an appetizer. It's always nice to be a girl who eats double what your date eats. As I'm writing that sentence I wonder-is that why lesbians exist? So you don't have that problem anymore? In that case consider me out of the closet, I'm dating women now.

Pro: Moral Support

During one of the times that Chulent used the R word as a verb, my friend reached out to squeeze my hand. In the past, I've had to get moral support from the wait staff who are usually tiny little college kids not equipped with the vast psychiatric training needed to help me. But this time, I had a friend right next to me and she had me right next to her.

Con: When Hermione went to the bathroom by herself she was attacked by a troll.

My friend excused herself to use the bathroom. I do not go to the bathroom that often because I have been working my bladder out sinceI was a child. The boys were appalled. "How can you let her go by herself? Girls are supposed to go to the bathroom together!" This is what they actually told me. Ladies, I think the men may be on to the fact that we're all secret lizards who use the bathroom to shed our skin and let our tiny lizard eggs see the light.

Pro: Immediate reaction

When the boys returned us to our hotel I had a friend with me who immediately knew exactly what I had just gone through and also felt the need to run into the ocean. Luckily, we were about 90 yards away from the nearest ocean so we both ran right in. We were able to go over the minute details together without much explanation

Con: There is a riptide in the ocean at night and the beach at night is one of the top spots people get raped along with jogging trails at 5 am. Though if you wake up to jog at 5 am you might deserve it.

Pro: Album of the year

I went on this date on the night of the Grammys when Taylor Swift won album of the year which she very much deserved. She looked wonderful and it made me incredibly happy to see her performing again

Con: 5 losses

Unfortunately due to the fact that the Grammys are rigged and need to exhumed bottom to top the same as USA Gymnastics, she lost the other 5 Grammys for which she was nominated, 4 of which she deserved to win (I'm ok taking the best song from a movie loss for Beautiful Ghosts. Just because its from Cats and there isn't enough alcohol in the world for Cats.)

YouTube clearly did not want to be on this date and seemed rather emotionally unavailable. Obviously this made me extremely into him because there is nothing I like like a guy who doesn't like/legally is forbidden from having me. (Not in an incest way EW. In a doctor way.) But, since he was emotionally unavailable he said no to a second date (or a fourth date if we count this date twice cause it was a double.) I also found out he invited some mutual friends of ours, a married couple, on the date as well. Imagine how awkward it would have been to have the whole thing spotlighted by a couple who (hopefully) likes each other and really shouldn't be exposing itself to single girls looking for love.

There's a shidduch crisis out there and there are too many girls. Almost every pro on this list had to do with having my friend with me. My theory is that we should stop doing shidduchim and just have bachelor style group dates instead. It'll force the men to up their game and give the women the support they need when they become lizards in the bathroom.

Then when you run into the ocean in despair, you'll have company.

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