Don't Worry Bubbaleh
I have written an allegory that turns one of the biggest pop culture moments of our time into a relatable story about Shidduchim. If you are completely confused, catch up here.
There was once a group of 5 unrelated Jewish men who lived in Brooklyn in the 1920s. One of them decided to ask the others to buy a farm in 'the country' where they could spend the summers together. The 5 of them spent long summers exploring their property. Then, one day, they stumbled upon an underground spring of oil. They were all now richer than their wildest dreams. They all quickly got married and bought large mansions in Brooklyn, the Hamptons, and Miami. They pledged they would be friends forever and would raise their kids together, closer than family. And they would spend each Bein Hazmanim all together.
Flash forward to 2022. There are loads of grandkids/cousins as many of their kids married each other. However, there was also an awful tragedy: all of the women of Generation X were killed in a terrible helicopter incident. Because of this the Millennial children essentially had to raise themselves.
Mazel tov! One of the cousins/friends is engaged! Let's call her Movie. Because Movie's mom is dead she is reliant on her dear dear cousins (from separate sides), Olivia and Florence, to plan her wedding. Each wedding is planned by the other cousins that age to spread the burden. Being rich, they plan an elaborate proposal, shower, Shabbos Kallah, bachelorette party, vort, wedding, sheva brachos, honeymoon, and day at the spa (mikvah.)
The first event is the vort. Olivia and Florence are already exhausted, planning the vort took weeks and weeks. But the two of them are rewarded for their hard work. The Chosson, Chirs, has twin cousins named Shia and Harry who immediately begin to flirt with Florence and Olivia. Florence is excited, but she is upset to see Olivia flirting with Harry, as Olivia has been dating Florence's brother Jason.
But, the next day when Florence goes on a date with Shia, she is horrified. He takes her to a dark bar and sits in the booth next to her. He continuously scootches closer to Florence who is a classy shomer bitch. She begins to feel unsafe and leaves the date in tears. She calls Olivia who commiserates with her and swears that she'll find a way to get revenge.
But Olivia doesn't get revenge. Instead, she starts hanging out with Harry all of the time, making Florence super uncomfortable as Olivia still claims to be dating Florence's brother Jason. But Jason has had enough of this narishkeit and he breaks up with Olivia. Unfortunately, he does it in the front room of their house, not knowing that just behind him there is a large surprise party for Olivia's birthday and everyone can hear their argument. Olivia is mortified.
To assuage her wounds she begins hanging out with Harry all of the time. Florence is left on her own to plan Movie's enormous wedding and she is drowning in work. She is also hurt by the fact that Olivia seems to have taken Harry/Shia's side over hers. She also notices that Olivia is definitely not shomer negiah anymore.
One day, Florence grabs Olivia's phone to add her to the shower Whatsapp, because though she invited Olivia 5 times, she never joined. Florence sees that Olivia is in a group chat with Shia and Harry where they make fun of Florence. Her best friend has betrayed her, all for a guy.
What Florence doesn't know is that meanwhile Olivia's seminary friend called her to ask about Shia and Olivia told this friend not to date him because he's a bad guy and she rejected him. Shia found out about this and began to spread a rumor that Olivia was the one who spread Syphillis around their Pesach program in Dubai.
So now Olivia and Shia are furious at each other. Florence is furious at Olivia and by proxy, Harry. Jason has washed his hands of all of them. Movie is wrapped up in her wedding.
The family starts to notice when Olivia's birthday goes by and Florence abstains from her usual Instagram post celebrating the day with a self written and composed song about Olivia's qualities.
But now it's time for their Pesach program in Venice. But there's something weird in the air there. Suddenly Olivia and Harry won't look at each other. Florence won't look at either of them. Movie, who had her wedding to Chris post Purim, is distracted from her shana rishonah by the intense drama. There is a terrible scene at one of the sedarim when the family members are all pouring each others' cups and Florence and Harry make overt moves to avoid filling Olivia's cup. Chris, brand new to the family, is tasked with keeping the peace, and is completely overwhelmed, so he buries himself in a sefer. He only looks up when his cousin Harry takes his first bite of Koreich right over his head, showering him in matzah and lettuce crumbs.
Meanwhile Florence refuses to go on the family Chol Hamoed trip to the coast, claiming that she has a Shidduch date. But then she posts a selfie where she is clearly on a segway tour, dateless.
The grandfathers can hardly keep up with the drama. But they are sticklers for tradition and even though this entire Pesach should probably be cancelled, they continue on to family color war with one change: three teams instead of two in order to defuse the tension.
The teams are Shomer Negiah captained by Olivia, Yichud, captained by Harry, and Taharas Mishpacha, captained by Florence.
But the tension only gets worse. The young cousins notice when they begin to sing the "Achdus is our goal song" only to have their captains interrupt them with more aggressive cheers every single time they start.
Olivia takes a weird stance for her captain's dvar torah on Shomer Negiah, stating that the mitzvah of being shomer is perhaps best when it is broken in order to show off your love to the world. Florence is infuriated as she gave a long dvar torah on how the beauty of Taharas Mishpacha is in its privacy and Olivia sees this as a direct jab to what she said. Yichud ends up winning as Captain Harry took all of his team to his residency in the Madison Garden section of the hotel where they ignored the drama and created a gorgeous song/dance.
And then, Grandfather Windsor dies. It is a tragic, awful day. It is made more awful when one of the young cousins mentioned that she noticed Olivia pouring a small vial into Grandfather's drink. Could Olivia have poisoned Grandfather in order to get the attention off of her?
Whether she did or not it worked, as the entire family is occupied by flying to Scotland to bury Grandfather at his ancestors castle. They were the only jews ever to own a castle in Scotland and the family reminds people of this every single day.
Epilogue: Olivia's reputation as a Shidduch Ho is cemented and she has a difficult time getting dates after this. She eventually says that she isn't interested in dating because of her career but no one believes her because she can still be found at a table in Noi Due Carne with a different guy every night.
Florence is celebrated by the family for saving Movie's wedding. She carries in Movie's son to the bris, though she does drop him off of the pillow when Olivia snakes in front of her and she has to pretend not to notice her. Movie's son breaks his arm in the fall and never regains full usage.
Harry is a guy so he emerges unscathed from the drama and immediately marries the richest LA girl in shidduchim. They throw lavish kiddushes at Harry's house every single week where many people wear costumes.
Chris and Movie dedicate themselves to Torah learning and never ever buy smartphones.
Grandfather is laid to rest in Balmoral Castle.
Shia eventually goes to rehab but no one really knows if they can trust him or not. The family still allows him to attend weddings because he has excellent shtick.
Jason grows a fabulous mustache and moves to London to start a Kollel with his new wife.