• The Archer

Dating A Celebrity

For several years in middle/high school I was dating renowned actor and jawline owner Robert Pattinson. He was unaware of our relationship which was intense and often frightening. I also communicated with several of his other girlfriends (who he did not know about) online. Together, there were probably thousands of women and men dating the star while he sort of...wandered around LA while vaguely high and wearing flannel.


I took my status as a celebrity girlfriend very seriously. I read and watched every single thing I could on my beau in order to become his ideal illegal fifteen year old who lived across the country. He loved dogs so I made myself become a dog person. It did not stick. I had a self imposed bedtime of 10 PM because I love rules and I would go to sleep at 10 with an alarm set for 11:20 PM on the nights he was on Jimmy Fallon or Kimmel. Obviously I had a cardboard cutout next to my bed. Yes there were times I woke up and it was on top of me and I didn't know how it got there (but I suspect sleeping Archer who is a deviant.) I will not tell you how often that occurred.


I spent my free periods in school sneaking past the online filters to read all the sites that I so enjoyed which were as hyper-fixated as me. During a dark time when I didn't have internet on my phone, this slow scroll of the internet was my greatest high.


I was convinced that with enough focus, prayer, and determination I would be the girl he actually ended up with.


Years later and he's been engaged and in and out of several serious relationships and I've realized that most people don't "end up" with anyone...they just sort of live. And some people find someone they want to live with but for many people relationships are an ongoing thing and they change as we change. We can make ourselves into better people for our spouses or for G-D and we can outgrow current relationships or make choices to stay where we are and find joy.


Teenage me was realizing this and it was absolutely terrifying. The idea that nothing in life was really solid rocked my world enough that I built myself a new world where everything would stay the same forever. Adult me went to see The Batman opening weekend and adored watching my love on screen but also realized that the blush comes off the rose for even the hottest guys with the best hair.


So I continue shidduch dating, and encountered a problem that has happened to me before.


In 2018 I dated someone who had the same name as a mildly successful TV actor.

Recently, I got sent a resume of someone with the same name as an internet personality.


I know you all want to know the names and I am here to tell you: Arnold Schwarzennegar


No, of course no Jewish boy is named Arnold! It's actually Will Smith.


In all seriousness there is a congressman and several major league baseball players named Will Smith who were attacked on Twitter after the notorious Oscar slap, which makes me question humanity's general intelligence.


But anyway, you may be wondering what the issue is if I date a guy who happens to be named Will Smith.


The issue, of course, is Google. Even with the guys I date who are name sharing with D level celebs at best, Google makes it impossible to find any information on them. This of course is a problem before we date when I want to stalk the hell out of them, and after when I want to find out if they got married, to who, and what did they register for.


I put in the hours on Google, sometimes going all the way to the third page of results, which (I believe) is also known as the dark web and where you can find child pornography, murderers for hire, and ISIS.


So, in real life, trying to date a celebrity isn't nearly as fun as the teenage version. It is hard to go into something knowing very little and feeling like the entire internet wants it to fail.


At the end of the day, dating a celebrity taught me that I have the ability to improve or change myself if I want to, if I really commit to it.


Maybe dating a not-celebrity will too.

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