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  • The Archer

Come One, Come All!

For the first time in my life I visited Lancaster Pennsylvania, the largest Amish community in the world. There's a weird guilt to being in Lancaster. You watch the people and their way of life like they are animals in the zoo. I didn't like dehumanizing them or bringing them down to their practices. However, there's also the plus side: the Amish like to share their way of life with outsiders and they benefit greatly from the tourism money they receive.

Honestly, tourism seems to be their second biggest industry behind carpentry. I'm happy for them that they found a way to make their lives work with their traditions.

There are many Jewish men who need jobs. Not because the market is bad (which it is) but because they have no skills or education and won't consider anything that pays less than six figures because they definitely have realistic expectations. So I say let's open the tourism industry in. Lakewood, Flatbush, Monroe, Williamsburg etc. Bring the goyim and their loaded pockets in to take selfies with our front yards and charge them for a potato kugel while they are there. Soon the Yeshiva bochurim will be spending their days running tours and LakeMonBushBurg will be as prosperous as Lancaster!

Here's a typical tour schedule:

1. Transportation: Weclome mishpacha to LakeMonBushBurg! Mishpacha is a hebrew word meaning family, lets try sounding it out together! Cha like clearing your throat, not like coca cola hehe. Since you are all mishpacha when you are in our beautiful village of LakeMonBushBurg you'll be riding in the mishpacha van! A family gets a mishpacha van, which can sit 12 or 15 depending on the family, when they look around and realize knina hara they have a mishpacha and they can't visit Bubbe and Zeide in one car anymore! Hop in, hop in, women and skinny men in the car seats please. You'll notice the cheerio detritus on the floor, it's an authentic mishpacha van experience. The lingering smell is from when we brought my sister in law a chulent. We'll cover chulent later in the tour, please hold your questions!

While you're in the mishpacha van you get the pleasure of listening to Jewish music. That's music with the same 6 words from our holy rebbeim repeated over and over for 8 minutes with a random trumpet solo in the middle! Yes, I see your hands, everyone on these tours always tells me the tune is stolen from such and such Dua Shmeltza Madonna Beiber Jones! But we have a saying here: it's not stealing until the FBI raids your house for evidence, convicts you, locks you away for several years, and then releases you so you can go back to doing it again!

2. Torah: Now who here has heard of the Torah? The Torah is like our, you say bible. But it's much more than the bible! It's our way of life, we follow every word to the letter. Because the Torah is so complex and so instrumental we teach our children Torah from when they are small, most learning starts at three and doesn't stop until you die or move into the portable incubator phase of your life if you are a woman. This is Yeshivas Toras Tov, and it's special because it has a cheder or elementary school, a yeshiva, or high school, and a kollel. Kollel is like a PhD program in that you get paid nothing, you spend all day learning, you drink your weight in coffee and you never finish! Just some goyishe humor there hehe. Look through the two way mirror, we can see them but they can't see us, we wouldn't want to interrupt them. The little boys learn from the Torah itself, the Yeshiva boys learn from the gemara-the Talmud in english. And the kollel men learn between phone calls from their wives amirite gentlemen? hehe. Just look at their shiny faces. They glow with Torah. Also we are taking donations for a new air conditioner.

3. Women: You might be wondering where are all the women? Well welcome to our thriving downtown full of women! They are all working hard to support their families. That building holds 300 graphic designers. Did you know every design used in China was made right here in LakeMonBushBurg? And over there we have our clinic fully staffed by our PAs and nurses. That's my niece Blimi, she's 19 and already a PA surgeon. There was a course in Utah she went for two weeks with friends and knina hara they sent her back a PA! A yiddishe kop can understand anything in two weeks! She put so many band aids on my kids she was practically born a surgeon.

4. Split Up: Now is the part of the tour when we split up, women into the hall, men downstairs. The men are going to see a shul and the women will get a beautiful dance from our Beis Yakkov seventh graders.

Is everyone back? The men saw the lovely Friedberg-Cowen-Rothschild sanctuary with moldings brought in the lining of a suitcase from the old country. And our women saw a fifteen minute dance about the theme of overcoming sin performed by our most talented shapeless thirteen year olds waving their arms. Rivals a Broadway show, no? hehe.

5. Media: Ah, now this is a great place! Every day thousands of newspapers are sent from this building to all of the homes in a 5 mile radius. It's our own Yiddish New York Times! It covers all the news that our wildly republican conspiracy theory loving editor thinks is fit to print! Here's our cover story, Kamala Harris actually started the blood libel story in the old country, can you believe it? We also have a magazine that comes out for the Sabbath with stories, articles, and recipes and coloring for the ladies. I'm going to give you all a challenge. First person to find a woman gets this Fiveish pin.

No one found a woman? It's a trick question! We don't print the faces of women in our magazines or papers. This is because we want young girls to understand that their only purpose is to have children and that is why whenever a man is reminded that women exist they think sexual thoughts. That's also why we have papers instead of the terrible internet. As far as anyone here knows, congress is all men! As it should be am I right men? hehe.

They're running a campaign right now to tell girls to wear mittens instead of gloves. Gloves let people see the spaces between your fingers which leads them to the spaces between legs OBVIOUSLY.

6. Shabbos: Here we have set up a special stop for our tours-please leave your devices in the car! No, no, electronic thingies, not insulin pumps, that's ok. What do you notice about this house? Yes, candles. Yes it smells great. Do you see anyone doing work? That's right! This is a demonstration of Shabbos, you call it Saturday, the day when we do no work and only focus on Hashem. What's work? Well talking to our wives for one. Just kidding! We make things easier for ourselves by not using ovens, lights, microwaves, peelers, and all of the other things that make life less work! Now we're going to teach you something. Do you ever run into a Jewish person and they start talking sounding silly about how cold they are? That's because Jews can't use electricity on Shabbos and they can't ask for help. But if they hint it to you my precious goyim, and you use your American Kops to figure it out than you can help! Everyone gets a sticker that says "I'm an official Shabbos Goy!" Now here we have chulent and deli roll, two of our finest dishes. We aren't allowed to use the oven but the crockpot and the hot plate are fine as long as they were set up before Shabbos begins. The oven gets too hot and can cause cooking which is forbidden. The hot plate is much cooler at 1,000 degrees fahrenheit. My neighbor's cousin lost his arm from a hotplate incident oy veyzmir!

7.Homes: Ah, here you see a typical Jewish home. Our tour guests can use the front yard as a maze, try not to trip over the 17 bicycles! It just shows how happy our kids are, always playing outside and definitely not bullying each other brutally. Now you may have noticed that we haven't seen any dogs. Jews don't have many dogs, but we do treat the eighth and ninth kids like pets to make up for it. But in this house we have something very special....a 500 pound 45 year old fish tank! And more than half of the fish are alive we came on a good day! I think fish show us techias hamaysim-revival of the dead. You think they're dead and boom! Back alive! Or it's a similar looking fish. But still.

8. I hope you enjoyed your tour of LakeMonBushBurg. You can see we have a beautiful culture and thriving neighborhoods knina hara. Take your photos with our Rabbi cardboard cutout and feel free to use the tichels and gartels as photo props! As a tip, you can all take the QR code to my Amazon store, I've got slightly dull knives for when you want your kids to help in the kitchen. Yasher Koach and we'll see you again soon!

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