top of page
  • The Archer

Childhood Trauma Dates

As I've gone through my dating history I've realized something. Dating locations often have one thing in common:

(Oprah voice)




I'm not going to say whether it's my childhood trauma on which I am commenting but it's a childhood trauma I somehow...know well. Maybe it's from TV. Or maybe I'm a traumatized person. You'll never know. But I also want to take this moment to say that this is an amalgamation of information and NOT MY ACTUAL FAMILY EXPERIENCE. It is important to me that you know that so that I am not shit talking my family. I am shit talking families in general.

Because I have a stellar memory and can hold my memories, every story I've ever heard from friends, and all the episodes of mid 2000s Disney TV.

So then when I'm on dates I have a problem. My reference for every place tends to go like this:


[INSERT ONE] Bowling/minigolf/zoo/museum/other attraction!

I was [INSERT ONE] here as a kid/ last here with my family/ here with my friend and her family/ watching all the Wizards of Waverly Place episodes about this

Last time I was here [INSERT ONE]

My family got in this massive fight over points and I haven't spoken to my sister in 6 years because of it.

My father tried to teach me how to actually throw a bowling ball and when I didn't get it he started yelling and I told him to stop yelling at me and he said he wasn't yelling and I said he was yelling and my mother put her head in her hands and the Gay Dad from the next aisle came over and was like "Sir she asked you to stop yelling at her" and my dad was like "I'M NOT YELLING" and I was like "I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GO FUCKING BOWLING" and my parents were like "DON'T CURSE" because if there's one thing they are together on it's that I need to curse less and then I threw the bowling ball will my terrible technique and got a strike and my dad had to go take a walk and we left early.

My sister packed us snacks for a Pesach trip and at the bottom of the cooler we found a cheerio and my mom started crying and we realized my brother was supposed to clean the coolers but he was watching Spring Training and we were all yelling at my brother that now we're all kareis because of him and he says he told me to clean it but I told him I don't even know how to use a Windex bottle how am I supposed to clean for Pesach and now my other sister is asking how can a human being possibly be so useless and I'm like I KNOW ABOUT GYMNASTICS THAT ISN'T USELESS and then we turn around and go home because this whole together time thing is overrated

We went mini golfing and I managed to hit the ball and the club into the lake so my friend's brother went in to get it and he thought it wasn't deep but turns out it was deep and he can't swim so my friend had to go in to save him and she started to do CPR because she learned that at lifeguarding but he didn't need CPR and then he got really mad that she essentially kissed him on the lips and then I made a Star Wars reference and then my friend's family was like we need to stop bringing the Archer on our trips.

We stopped at this hotel on our family road trip and my mother insisted we only get one room because money and so we all squished in to one room and my father didn't want the hotel to know we had 9 people in one room so he made most of us sneak in through the back and crawl to the elevators and I slept between the two beds and my sister fell on me in the middle of the night and so I joined my brother in his pack and play and that's why I have back issues. And that's my brother's childhood trauma for his dates.

My sister and I acted out the episode of Wizards of Waverly Place that happened here word for word and my mom was like "that's it, no more tv" and we were like fine we'll watch it on the computer which at the time was a Dell 2003 desktop and my mom was like "you can watch tv on the computer?" and I was like "oh no now she's going to know we both are watching cable online." This is childhood trauma for an older generation.

We were at this aquarium when the shark went rogue and tried to bite off the scuba diver's leg and we've all been in intensive therapy ever since. The scuba diver aquarium guy now works at the Tiger King zoo.

My sister begged to go to this one hike and we went and then we realized that she only wanted to go on this hike because her secret boyfriend's family was doing this hike and this is why she came hiking wearing heels and makeup and she went to the bathroom 20 minutes ago and hasn't come back and now we're awkwardly hiking with her secret boyfriend's family and the moms are both glaring at each other because they both blame each other's kids for the relationship, which will end by the next Chol Hamoed.

The problem with all of these is that I could go on for days about anywhere. And everywhere that people date basically doubles as a Chol Hamoed/Winter Break/Sunday with no soccer games trip. Especially if your family had a large spread of ages and needed "more adult" activities for the big kids. And childhood trauma is not super attractive on a date. Especially a first date.

So I try to keep my mouth shut and not explain every reference I have for a place. But it can be hard, especially when he isn't talking and I have to pick up all the slack.

Therefore I propose Shidduch Therapy dates.

You go on a first date with a guy (or gal) and a licensed therapist-NOT A LIFE COACH. You go to a place and the therapist guides you both through your childhood minigolfing trauma and how the fact that you can't properly hit a minigolf ball through a cartoon character's mouth is why your dad doesn't love you. You work some stuff out, both of you, and you propose a new way to live where you don't go minigolfing on Chol Hamoed at all. you just buy your kids a Playstation and call it a day.

Then he proposes with the prize ring from the mini arcade inside.

And you go on to ruin your children far more than you were ever ruined.

Sunrise Sunset, you can't get off the carousel, life's a journey!

116 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All
bottom of page