- The Archer
A favorite past time of every generation is bullying the generations that come after it because they have absolutely no idea what hard work is or what it means to walk to school in the snow both ways uphill. Somehow millennials seem to have gotten it really bad, perhaps because our forebearers-the members of the Boomer and Gen X populations-need something to distract themselves from how they destroyed the Earth and doomed their great great grandchildren to death.
Millennials ruin everything. We ruined the housing market by being too poor to ever buy houses. We ruined napkins by realizing paper towels were better. We ruined cabs by finding a new way to have strangers rape us in their cars but where you can then rate them afterwards.
We asked crazy questions like "Is it possible to not hate every second we spend at work?" "Can this meeting be an email instead?" "Do I need to come to the office if literally everything I do can be done in pajamas?"
COVID, you are a bastard, but you did give us some great answers to those questions.
Right now in the shidduchim world there is a great way to divide the older singles from the fresh-meat. Millennials were born from 1980-1996, meaning the youngest millennials are currently 24. The oldest gen Z's are also 24 but they are further from 25 then the millennials are. Also the millennials will all discuss 9/11 like it happened in their backyard even if they were, at the time, in a preschool in Wichita. The gen Z's are over 9/11 because of their impending deaths from literally everything else.
But this generational divide means that this year your "older singles" your "25 and ups" your core group of "let's get these ones married because they are old as sin but not too old to make beautiful Jewish babies" are all millennials.
Which means that it is one of the only years that we can blame singles for being single based on the generation they were born into. This makes it super duper easy for the Jewish organizations out there to make sweeping generalizations such as the one I was sent below:
A pervasive sense of entitlement dooms the ME generation, MEllinnials, to fake love. It may not be verbalized, but it is always there “What have you done for me – TODAY?” They did nothing to earn it, but always think they deserve it. Always looking out for Number One, a taker is incapable of real love, even if begrudgingly giving in order to get. This kind of ledger sheet love is cold and heartless. If you are driven by "What I am looking for" and "Do I compromise?", you will at best find fake love. Fake love is egocentric and selfish, often, transitory. If your focus is "I NEED a guy who.." its about ME and MY NEEDS, then at best, fake love. If you measure a marriage by some goyish "Marital Satisfaction Scale", fake love. If you think love is never having to say you are sorry, fake love. With no capacity to forgive, any relationship is doomed. Fake love is not loving, but being loved so that you can use the heck out of the other. There is an economics in fake love: getting the greatest return for the least investment. Fake love is profitable, but as stable as the stock market. With both sides vying for the greatest return for their investment, fake love is micro-economics. With neither side willing to accept a loss, the partnership must be dissolved for better investment possibilities. And even during the partnership, both are looking for better investments. Loving half-heartedly invariably results in a broken heart. Fake love is mainly just being adored, pampered, and all about ME.
FYI millennials have been proven over and over again to be the most charitable generation in history. But yes, we only care about ourselves.
I imagine the writer of this paragraph waiting, pacing for years. Weekly he (you just know it's a he!) phones his editor begging "are the older singles all millennials yet?" "Not yet," responds his editor who is Malky's Mommy from Is It Shabbos Yet "first the little ones need to develop back problems."
Then, finally, the editor called and said:
And, like in Lion King, the music ramped up, the tears were wiped from the corners of all the eyes and this writer began to write in earnest about how millennials are all garbage and that's why the remaining ones will never have good relationships.
Forget about the thousands of Jewish millennials, some of whom are grandparents, who have built beautiful homes and probably think about themselves the same amount as the holy sanctified members of Gen X or Baby Boomers.
One sentence stood out to me: If you are driven by "What I am looking for" because I am often asked what am I looking for.
Which is a great question. There are 8 billion people on this planet. Elimination is a great tool to narrow down your search.
Ryan and Sharpay told us: So lonely before, I finally found, what I've been looking for.
For the two of them, it was either twincest or Chad (for Ryan.)
I don't think it is selfish or entitled to have something that you are looking for. In fact, I think having a real idea of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is wise. Obviously, there will be things you did not see coming or expectations he or she cannot meet. We all learn to deal with our expectation and how they are met in every aspect of our lives-jobs, roommates, apartments, vacations. But yes, let's tell a group of 24-40 year olds that the problem is that they all live in a fantasy world.
As a single, I have met lots of other millennial singles. And, shockingly, we are not all single for the same reason.
Though really we are-because Our Creator willed it to be so.
But some people chose not to date until they were older because of school or money or emotional maturity. Some people have found stability and comfort in being alone and won't give that up for just anyone. Some of us are just crazy. Some of us are just not crazy enough.
I also really enjoyed this sentence: If you measure a marriage by some goyish "Marital Satisfaction Scale", fake love. If you think love is never having to say you are sorry, fake love.
So many questions.
Do the goyim have a marital satisfaction scale? If so, why haven't they shared it with us at the secret meetings where we control Hollywood and the economy and the weather? Is it because of our Jewish secret lizard selves? Does having a foreskin allow you access to this scale? Is it a weight scale? A length scale? A number of orgasms per sexual encounter scale? Is it why there's that lady on money sometimes (Idk I'm a millennial, I don't carry cash) who is holding a scale?
If anyone out there knows anything about the scale, please email me using the form below.
I'm happy for all the pundits out there who get to really relish this year as the year of all older singles being millennials. They get their hatred and jealousy of youth with our positive outlooks and desire for change out along with their vitriol for singles for being problematic and stopping everyone from being in a happy little box.
The problem will be in 2-3 years when some of the older singles will be part of Gen-Z. Then we'll have to find some way to blame it on Snapchat, COVID Zooms, and TikTok.
Oh Gen Z. If only you learned that things could last longer than 1 minute (TikTok) or 24 hours (Snapchat.) Then you would have real relationships and not be garbage singles.
Uh oh. Somewhere some pundit is out of a job because I just NAILED IT.