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  • The Archer

Brain Surgery

Easy dating is easy, or so I've heard. You meet someone, it clicks, you reveal yourself to them, they reveal back, you build together.

Hard dating is brain surgery. Everything is complicated and everything is important. The resume needs to be just right, that first phone call had better go well, the first interaction before you've even entered the car needs to be smooth, and then after the first date (or just the first time you see the resume) you call your friends and your therapist and your Rabbi and the package delivery guy who picked a bad day to knock on your door and you agonize with all of them as to whether this deserves another chance, are you playing into the maybe game a little too much, what could he have meant when he said this, on and on and on. And then you do that again after every date until you've inevitably broken up because you are dating the hard way.

I think after about three years of dating you can say that no, your journey to marriage isn't easy. That is, in my opinion, when you can begin to make brain surgery comments.

Of course, I felt burnt out after six months and I'm sure there are those reading this who have dated for 10+ years who are laughing at my 7.5 year woes.

So, when I got a shidduch resume for an actual brain surgeon I followed my brain surgeon dating rule: close my eyes and open my le-Sorry. I had to.

But I did immediately give him a yes because he does touch brains for a living.

He picked me up in an uber which he can afford because, as I may have mentioned, he's a brain surgeon. He was also two hours late but I didn't mind because he called me to let me know that brain surgery was running late. This may have been a lie but I did not care because brain surgeon.

The first thing I noticed was his fingers which appeared rather swollen and I wondered how on earth he did sutures that way.

We went to a small burger place and got burgers.

He asked me if I had a Rabbi and if I liked my Rabbi. I answered yes to both accounts. He proceeded to let me know that my Rabbi was corrupt, as all Rabbis now-a-days are corrupt and just in it because they like the power.

Blanket statements! So sexy on first dates.

Other things this guy doesn't like:

Jewish education-also corrupt apparently

The US Government

Government in general

The interpretation of the Torah used by most scholars since the fall of the second beis hemikdash.

The oral Torah.

Anything that can be perceived as "regular"


He began on a rant about how if we listened to the Torah the way we are supposed to we would overthrow the government and institute a Torah government (because we would win that war somehow with the strength of Yeshiva boys?) and immediately start doing mitzvos like eved ivri again.

If I could pull something from ancient judaism to today it would be chicken parmesan over eved ivri.

But don't worry, our fearless brain surgeon had plenty of sources to back him up. All of which were from a group of twelfth century philosophers and all of which he was going to share with me.

As he did so my mind naturally started to wander. I was trying to be kind to my dates and as I searched for ways to be kind here I surmised that it must be quite lonely to be the kind of crazy that he was and for your only hobby to be obscure philosophy.

Being me and being my own kind of crazy I naturally asked him that.

"blah blah blah philosophy, get it?"

"Wow. You must be incredibly lonely."

"......why would you say that?"

"Well, [and here I used my best skills from being a camp counselor of six year olds] I know I feel very lonely when I have a hobby I love and no one to share it with. I'd imagine you don't have many people that share in your world views."

He paused, stared at me, and then, with all of his brain surgeon money and power, ordered me and uber home.

Before he closed the door to the uber he said "Thanks for thinking that I'm lonely."

So, no brain surgery for me. (If you could pick a brain surgery which one would you pick? And why is it lobotomy?)

Even a brain surgeon can find dating hard, especially if he is, you know, certifiably insane.

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