Blah Blah Blah
There's so much talking that goes on nowadays. We talk before our meetings at work and then we meet, which is more talking, then at the end we talk more. We repeat Thanksgiving and Chanukah plans as bits of small talk to everyone we see. We're in touch with everyone we ever met or know through a friend via social media and texting.
I love all the people in my life. And yet, sometimes I still get tired. I move from talk to talk and feel drained. Then, naturally, I worry. Does this mean that I am not built for marriage, because I tend to tire of friends? Cut to me spiraling down a hole that includes phrases like "this is why I have to be alone" and "I'm the worst."
But, then again, what are we talking about when we're talking? Dating, usually. When is my next date and why the last date didn't work out and what the therapist or speaker of the week said that's really going to change things and this new site where eight, yes eight, of our friends just found their spouses, and that horrible story that's going around about that girl in the taco place where her taco exploded onto her date who was allergic to lime and she had doused it in lime juice do we think that's true or exaggerated, and that new restaurant that's probably good but it tasted bad because the worst boy ever took me there, and here are my Thanksgiving plans isn't it sad that I have no one to not celebrate with, where are you for shabbos don't you hate finding shabbos plans every week but beats cooking in a tiny oily kitchen, wait aren't you seeing someone? How's it going?
I'm the most guilty of this because I write a dating blog (it's called The Archer! you should read it!) and I'm often searching for new angles on which to write. Therefore I bring up dating. A lot. And I'm realizing it's ruining my life.
Dating takes up a very small portion of my life. I go on about 10 first dates, 3 second dates and 2 third dates per year and I have given research and all the difficult stuff over to my goalie (See Article: Goalie) to manage. I date about as many times a year as I go to the beach, which always feels not often enough and terribly far apart. When I'm dating someone it's overwhelming and I just want to be certain if I like them or not. I want to rush through it. When I'm not dating someone I'm anxiously wondering where the next one is.
And meanwhile I talk and listen and talk and listen and talk and listen. As my friends have similar or not-so-similar journeys.
Somehow reliving the dates is almost worse than going on them. Going on the dates can give me negative emotions, true, but there are often positive emotions too: relief, positive uncertainty, vulnerability. When hashing it afterwards there is just negativity.
I want to stop it. But I don't quite know how. I love talking! I love hearing from my friends. I love the sound of my own voice unless it is recorded in which case it is horrible garbage.
I was with a friend a little while ago and we kept discussing dating until I put my head into a pillow and screamed. It was all too much! Why was she getting decent dating experiences and all of mine are trash?
Ending up with my head in a pillow is not my goal. Neither is a vow of silence.
We could switch to discussing politics but the head will be in a pillow even faster.
Perhaps the only thing to do is to add positivity into the discussion. The negativity is an elephant that can't be ignored but it might be time to say I'm young and I'm living in the city of dreams. I'm marginally healthy except when my body decides to be weird. Life is good.
When I was 9 and saw NYC for the first time I told myself I would live here someday. I live here. I survived a global pandemic here. I haven't gotten lost here in ages because I know this place. It's mine. And yes, the kitchens are tiny and oily and the floor is tilted and I've overstayed my welcome because the boys are here and I know I want to be somewhere with parking and hiking and grass but I live in the city of dreams for now.
And yes, we are dating and it is the worst. But it's also carefree. It also means we are building the strongest relationships with ourselves that you can imagine. Saying no 53 times to interested guys (OK! I was rejected sometimes! Whatever!) has meant that I've had to explore myself and find out what I want and what I need and what I can't live without.
Blah blah blah, we talk and talk and talk and sometimes it tires me out. But usually I remember why I love my friends and how lucky I am to have them. How lucky I am to be born in the era of flushing toilets and iphones and Amazon Prime.
Don't let it just be blah blah blah. Let it all tell you that you are lucky. And that the best is yet to come.