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  • The Archer

Birds and Stones

Aren't birds annoying? They do ridiculous things like wake up with the sun and then immediately talk about it in their loudest voices. Here in Manhattan, they like to chill on air conditioners which live right outside of our windows. Some of them even Netflix and Chill on the air conditioners and then nine months later (too tired to look up pigeon gestation) there are more little birds.

In the olden days before PETA, we used to throw stones at birds to kill them which is a great way to stop someone from being annoying. Next time someone bothers me I will stone them to death.

Now imagine you only have one stone but there are two pesky birds. You have to manage to get both of them with your one stone! Thank G-D the internet got invented and saved us from filling our days with these calamities.

But you know what is almost as annoying as birds?

People who haven't found their person.

Look at those horrible single people, making the rest of us feel vaguely guilty inside. How dare they not be fulfilling their destinies of producing live young. And look at their stupid bodies, untouched from the stress of parenting. No one should be allowed to look so young.

It's hard for us to see someone who wears their pain on their sleeve. Marriage is all about secretly despising your spouse while posting Instagram pictures about how he/she is a dream come true. Singles don't have that option and therefore they should all be killed.

Did I say killed? I meant married off.

Remember the pandemic? That was so sad for singles. Especially those singles that went home to their parents in out of town communities and had literally no one to date. You'd see them taking walks by themselves, or perhaps sitting outside with a mimosa. And often they were by themselves which is a state of being that defies nature.

It's important during these stressful times to set up these singles with anyone possible. The criteria are simple: pants and skirts, short hair and long hair, no bra and bra. Forget about what either of them wants, you know what they really want: to be as miserable as you are.

I got a bunch of these during the early months of the pandemic. Divorcees, men 20 years my senior, men living with special needs.

There was only one I went out with. This boy found himself in my town with relatives for the duration of the pandemic and during that time he was set up with every girl in town past the age of puberty. If you had, at any point in your life gotten your period, you were suggested to this guy.

I was bored and hadn't seen someone I don't share DNA with in months. So, when he came up I thought "what's two hours?"

Sometimes two hours is forever. Just ask anyone who has ever taken an ivrit class.

This was another milestone for me: for the first time I was dating from my home with my parents and siblings all around.

We're going to call him WTF glasses. You'll see why.

WTF glasses inexplicably came to my porch door to pick me up which was super weird considering my house has a large, imposing front door.

In my head I was gracious and adorable, a perfect display of charm and wit and acting skills.

According to my parents and siblings it went down like this:

Knock knock

I opened the door

Me: "Oh. Gosh. Well, let's get this over with." Giant sigh.

Because there are more of them than there are of me, I have to believe them.

In my defense he showed up in khakis, a Reb Nachman kippah, and glasses that made my whole brain go WTF? They were large brown frames with one eye a circle and one eye a square.

We got into his car and went to a nearby park (what else was there to do?)

He had a very difficult time paying for parking.

I remember none of what we discussed.

After 45 minutes I complained that it was cold out and he took me home.

Uch, but imagine if we got married. That would have taken down two annoying singles in my town, and let everyone breathe a much needed sigh of relief.

Unfortunately I'm one of those annoying birds that you see in fancy pet stores who is choosy about things I have no right to be choosy about such as who I marry.

I don't understand, I assume this guy went to his optometrist, got his prescription for glasses, and then of all the glasses in the world he picked those? Did he have a mini stroke in the glasses store?

After he dropped me back at my house, I never heard from him again which I think makes us still dating. No call to the shadchan, no "hey that was nice but you looked like the Twin Towers got destroyed again when you saw me so I'm going to pass" text.

Then, for the rest of the pandemic, I got to walk past his house while he sat on the lawn and wished he was dead (I don't wish he was dead. I'm projecting what I did most of the pandemic onto him.)

Single people suck. They do terrible things like travel and don't pay tuition bills and watch prestige TV.

But, if you're going to try to knock out some birds, make sure they are at least the same type. No one wants a peacock pigeon hybrid.

That would probably cause another bird flu. And we as a species aren't great with disease outbreak.

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