• The Archer

Big Sisters Club

Updated: Jul 26, 2021


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One of the top five most important pieces of literature in history is The Babysitter's Club by Ann M. Martin. You obviously know the plot of the series, which has over 100 entries because you probably studied one of the books in a high level literature class in high school or college. Nevertheless, I will elaborate on the plot.


Kristy has a big idea. What if, instead of having to call multiple barely-tweenagers to find a babysitter who will actually watch your children* you could call one number and a bunch of barely tweenagers who have availability and can be scheduled just like that? And with that, The Babysitter's Club was born, a group of 4, then 5, then 7, then more girls who met twice a week and had the people of their town call to schedule babysitting. The marriages in the town flourished as everyone was able to go on date nights and the 13 year olds were able to buy themselves nail polish and gushers*.


*Kristy had a point. The older I got, the worse of a babysitter I was. When I was 11 and people hired me I genuinely believed a child might die under my care so I made sure everyone was breathing 18x per hour. When I was 18 and babysitting I looked up from my phone if someone was bleeding but that's it.


*But not for Stacy cus she's diabetic.


Kristy Thomas is an American hero. Also, time to decide which babysitter you are. The personality types are:

Kristy: leader, anal, sporty, rebellious, loyal

Mary Anne: thinker, quiet, courage

Stacy: with it, mature, sociable, diabetic

Claudia: non academic, artistic, spunky, individual

Mallory: nurturing, dreamer, responsible

Jessie: token black one, can dance


I'm a Kristy. And ever since I was 6 and read my first Babysitter's Club book (and decided I needed a boyfriend and that babysitting sounded glamorous af) I have wanted to start something as powerful as the BSC.


And now I have.


I am a big sister to one married and one engaged sibling. I know, I'm living the dream. Since I've been living this dream since 2016 I have taken it upon myself to welcome the newbies into my dream life. When someone I know has a younger sibling get engaged I usually tell them "welcome to the club" and then send them this pic:


But, to really to take advantage of my innate Kristy traits, I need to make a real club. Therefore I am hereby starting the Big Sisters Club or BSC2 so as not to be confused with BSC. Kristy would tell you that any good club starts with rules and she would be correct. Here are the club rules:


  1. I am the president for life.

  2. Upon my death you may vote for a successor

  3. Please make sure my funeral is the most dramatic, emotional, and well run funeral ever

  4. Is it weird to plan your own funeral just to make sure it goes well

  5. Anyway a successor can be chosen after I die

  6. You join the club when the first younger sibling gets engaged

  7. For twins-if your twin brother gets engaged you join the club immediately. Twin sisters whose twin gets married can join the club on her sister's one year anniversary.

  8. Same for triplets

  9. You get elevated in the club by how many younger siblings get hitched and how much younger they are

  10. You also can get brownie points for younger siblings producing live young

  11. We will have pity parties with some ice cream (it was going to be Ben and Jerry's but THAT GOT RUINED) every time a girl joins the club

  12. We will have celebratory laugh/cries every time a younger sibling announces a pregnancy. We love nieces and nephews. That's the laugh. We wish we didn't have nephews old enough to ask us why we aren't married and is it because we have dots on our face? That's the cry. BTW we want the nieces and nephews to grow and be healthy. We just want to give them cousins.

  13. Everyone will get a jacket

  14. You have to be buried in the jacket

  15. If someone gets engaged from the club we will burn the jacket in a sacred ritual like they tried to do in Friends and then the firefighters came

  16. When the firefighters come we will openly flirt with them except the engaged one unless she is trashy

  17. The dues for this club are tears and bitterness

  18. Club members will supply other club members with alcohol at all family gatherings including but not limited to: weddings, bnei mitzvot, bark mitzvot, brisses, kiddushes, funerals, seders, purim seudahs, tisha b'av break fasts, 10 of teves break fasts, christmas, Yeshiva week, and Juneteenth.

  19. Club members will monitor other club members to make sure the alcohol is medicinal and not addictive

  20. In the case of, G-D forbid a broken engagement you get kicked out of the club and we get your jacket back

  21. In the case of, G-D forbid a divorce you can remain in the club.

  22. If you got married and then your younger siblings got married and now you are getting divorced you need to make your own club. I love you, I just don't have that many jackets.


BH I'm lucky to be a Kristy and have wonderful ideas for clubs. I am also lucky to have two wonderful in laws who are like siblings to me. I am so happy my siblings found their person. And I am happy that I got this awesome BSC2 jacket.


I just also want to burn it.


So the firefighters can come.

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