• The Archer

Another Day, Another Resume

I've joined random Shidduch sites on the internet, mainly because a Shadchan told me they "only work through there" or a friend or family member thought that perhaps the reason I'm not married is because I never signed on to desperatelonerswhosuck.com. So now, my name and some information about me are all out on the internet along with my email for contact reasons.


Yesterday I received one of these suggestions and it is far too on the nose not to share it.


The email was written as such, word for word:


Hi,


I saw your information on REDACTED and I would like to suggest you a shidduch please let me know if you are interested,


I attached a resume for you to review,


thank you for your time,


I'm going to assume that whoever sent this, sent it to a bunch of girls that fit a certain age/size criteria. I will also assume that the day this person was supposed to learn the difference between a period and a comma their teacher was stuck in traffic due to a bridge that had collapsed onto a tugboat, and the substitute had already had a few too many because they were under the impression they wouldn't be teaching that day.


But you're here for the best part.


The best part was the picture below of the Chassidish man and his chest length beard and peyos, as well as his hat and bekishe.


At least it's not a streimel.


Some of you may want to marry Chassidish. If that applies to you-get off the internet you're never more than two clicks away from porn. But I am decidedly not marrying Chassidish and the only facial hair I am really here for lives on the lip of major league pitcher Spencer Strider:


YOU ARE WELCOME.


I guess today we are all less than two clicks away from porn.


The resume was excellent, as far as chassidish resumes go.


He went to the best schools in Monroe and Kiryas Yoel. I know they are the best because the names are in Yiddish.


The description was written exactly like this:


REDACTED is looking for a life partner and see a healthy relationship as looking up for each other, Respect each other, Grow together, And make each other happy.


Ah, nebbuch, this poor second grade teacher was trying to make it in for the lesson about what we do after a comma and instead tripped on her way out and fell down the stairs and was in the hospital getting stitches so that darn substitute came in again and this time he had eaten a weird brownie and just kept muttering about needing to capitalize appropriately. Honor your commas by capitalizing right after them.


Side note: does he think a comma makes a new sentence? Because the sentence "grow together" sucks.


He also "see" a healthy relationship as looking up for each other. I hope to look up for my husband so that if a comet falls to Earth I can use my tiny body (it's a fantasy so I'm super skinny) to protect him because the Earth needs its men.


I don't believe other people can make you happy. The only thing that can make you happy is a vi...IS YOU.


gif

REDACTED is a bright and caring individual. He was Working and spending time with children with special needs. He has an outgoing personality and possesses a sweet and friendly nature. REDACTED comes from a happy and active home where Torah, chessed, hachnosas orchim, and community involvement are an integral part of everyday life. REDACTED is deeply committed to his Yiddushkeit. he is looking for a Girl with outstanding Middos who plans to have a frum Jewish Life,


On day three that this person learned grammar, the teacher did not come in because she got an infection from the stitches due to the doctor not washing his hands between her and the last patient-a case of necrotizing fasciitis. Her skin is now being eaten alive.


The substitute had had enough of his ex-wife and the kids that never call and the dull apartment. He went to class that day and ended his life in front of the children, leaving them hopelessly scared of grammatical rules for the rest of their lives.

And other stories from Wayside School.

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Maybe the final comma is there as a suggestion, like any girl can add her own clause to it.

It also says that he was working...what is he doing now? Has anyone checked on him?

But hey girls, the word "girl" is capitalized because this guy is ready to treat you like the proper noun you are. You are specific and individual and honorable like the Queen or the President or the Subway.


The plan needs to be to have a frum Jewish life which is pretty vague for someone whose photograph is fifty shades of specific.



So I delete the email, I didn't even get excited to open it, other than the excitement that it might be funny or insane and that I'd get an easy blog post out of it.


Somewhere this guy is desperate or has a friend who is desperate to match him. I feel sad for him, and for all of us who are victims of the desperation.


But mostly I feel sad for whoever had the displeasure of trying to impart grammatical knowledge onto this man.




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