• The Archer

A Virgin Barbecue

The other day I went to a barbecue my friend told me about. It was for singles and was in New Jersey so naturally I assumed that by the end of the evening a virgin would have been sacrificed to satan since there was going to be fire and a multitude of virgins for satan to pick from.


I don't know why I assume that any singles event I go to will end in a blood ritual but I blame violent video games.


Unfortunately I was once again disappointed as there was no alter, no satan worship, and no opportunity to offer myself or a friend as the lucky winner of cult obsession.


So, what was there?


There was a barbecue with grilled chicken and hot dogs and hamburgers and enough alcohol to get through a few rounds of small talk. There were about 100 people and shockingly there were more boys than girls.


I noticed 2 guys I dated but later I did my research (I do so much for you people. Be grateful.) and perused the list of attendees:

78 boys (I think 60 showed up tops)

4 that I dated (one 6 times, two 3 times, the other one just once)

12 I knew from past events, shabbos meals, friends brothers, neighbors, etc.

and 8 that I recognized but couldn't place.


Everyone there paid a fee to get together and meet people and try to find their life partner. Which was probably why, as at all of these events, the boys stuck with the boys and the girls stuck with the girls.


I don't understand this. You spend all day (or for the boys, 10 seconds) preparing for the event, you pay money that you or your dad worked really hard to earn, and you use it on standing awkwardly. I always want to march up to people and talk and quickly brush through everyone there. In fact my ideal singles event would be this:


Picture a line of chairs across from each other. Each boy sits down for 90 seconds before moving on. In those 90 seconds he says

  1. His name

  2. His age

  3. His political affiliations

  4. His hashkafa and how many hours he waits

  5. His job

  6. His salary including bonuses

At the end of the 90 seconds a buzzer rings and the boys stands up and freezes in place for 10 additional seconds so I can get a really good look at his height. Then he moves to the next girl and I either mark his name on the scantron (I'm good at scantrons) as yes or no.


But when I suggest this I'm told that I'm focusing on the externals or that I look like a gold digger or that you have to look inside to get the full picture.


If the glass is clear doesn't that count as me looking inside?


But no event that I have been to adheres to my specifications. Instead we have the unstructured ones like the one I went to this week, or we have the ones where a 400 pound former Kindegarten teacher claps her hands and says "BOYS AND GIRLS! I AM SO HAPPY YOU ARE HERE! WE ARE GOING TO PLAY CHARADES AND IF A GIRL GUESSES A BOYS CHARADE THEN THEY HAVE TO GET MARRIED BECAUSE THEY ARE SO GOOD AT NON VERBAL COMMUNICATION! BORUCH HASHEM THE AIBESHTER HAS ALLOWED ME TO BE THE SHADCHAN OF 7,000 COUPLES ALREADY ONLY 4,000 OF WHOM GOT DIVORCED! IF ANYONE SEES A BOY WHO LOOKS LIKE HE'S TEN THATS MY SON YOELY HE KEEPS TRYING TO TOUCH THE GIRLS ABOVE THEIR KNEES MAMASH HE'S MY FUNNIEST CHILD!"


So I prefer the unstructured ones to that. And I've learned that I'm better with a friend by my side, and I'm better in comfortable shoes, and I'm better with a few but no more than six sips of sangria.


But I still feel like a harlot when I walk into a singles event that I paid for and try to talk to a guy.


They stand there in their stupid groups staring at the girls stupid groups and I'm just like can we skip the foreplay?


There is a group of guys I've seen at a few of these things who come and speak to no one except each other. They find a bench or table in the corner and stare at everyone else. I guess they have the money to burn, which is why I am still interested in them despite the fact that they are assholes. Perhaps they are pleasing their mothers by attending.


At the end of the day there were several nice guys I hadn't spoken to before and several guys with whom I enjoyed catching up. I may even go on a date.


I also behaved myself the entire time and did not act crazy because I felt vulnerable so my therapist is proud of me which is what I live for. Millennials. We didn't get the love we needed from our parents so we've found new parents for $300 an hour.


I even had a conversation with a guy I went out with how is that for self growth?


I hope I'm not back at this barbecue next year.

I hope if I am they finally let me be the virgin sacrifice.

I've got some bones to pick with satan.

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