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10 Best Songs to Propose With

I was recently discussing with a coworker which songs would be the absolute worst to propose marriage to someone with. I decided to stream all of my thoughts into a palatable article for you, my dearest reader.

This is also me writing a love letter to Broadway, the place where I've spent way too much of the last month of my life.

You and Me (But Mostly Me)

There is no better way to say I want to spend the rest of my life with you than to immediately set up rolls in the marriage. And there is no better way to do that than with this song. There are also helpful parts for the girl to sing about how she is going to stay out of her man's way. This is also a great song if you are deciding to become a Mormon.

Important lyrics:

You and me, but mostly me Are gonna change the world forever 'Cause I can do most anything (And I can stand next to you and watch)

Every hero needs a sidekick Every captain needs a mate (Aye, aye) Every dinner needs a side dish On a slightly smaller plate

And now we're seeing eye to eye It's so great, we can agree That Heavenly Father has chosen you and me Just mostly me

And as long as we stick together

(And I stay out of your way)

Out of my way

We'll change the world forever

And then tomorrow a latter day

Mostly me

Settle For Me

We all fear settling, but why not lean into it a little? If it makes sense it's better than trying to find recipes that work for one. Propose with this and you'll both get where you are emotionally from day one.

Important lyrics:

When we’re together

I feel so grand

My heart goes tippity-tap-tap-tap

When I hold your hand

But I know there’s another guy

You fancy more

So, even though

I’m not the one you adore

Why not...

Settle for me

Darling, just settle for me

I think you’ll have to agree

We make quite a pair

I know I’m only second place in this game

But like two-percent milk

Or seitan beef

I almost taste the same

So won’t you settle for me

Come on and settle for me

Say yes or no before I choke on all this swallowed pride

I have no problem being picked out from the bottom

If he’s your broken condom, I’m Plan B!

So lower those expectations and settle for me


Your man just wants you to remember that you are getting married so that he can feel good about conquesting you. If you do not act interested in him 24/7 he'll absolutely panic. And you would be insane-no completely MAD-to say no. But keep it spicy or he'll get bored. He's warning you now.

Important lyrics:

Did I abuse her or show her disdain

Why does she run from me

If I should lose her how shall I regain

The heart she has won from me


Beyond power of speech

When the one thing you want

Is the only thing out of your reach


All the torture they teach

What's as intriguing or half so fatiguing

As what's out of reach

Am I not sensitive, clever,

Well-mannered, considerate,

Passionate, charming, as kind as I'm handsome

And heir to a throne

You are everything maidens could wish for

Then why no

Do I know

The girls must be mad

Never Enough

YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH FOR ANYONE SO PLEASE GIVE UP. It's good to establish this very early in the relationship. You are there and it is NOT ENOUGH. (Please don't listen to the beginning of the song, it contradicts the joke.) Let your kallah know you are going to need more from the get go.

Important lyrics:

All the shine of a thousand spotlights

All the stars we steal from the night sky

Will never be enough

Never be enough

Towers of gold are still too little

These hands could hold the world but it'll

Never be enough

Never be enough

For me

Fixer Upper

What's the issue dear? Why are you holding back from such a man? Look: men suck. You are taking on a lifetime job of trying to teach him to be a mildly decent human. And then everyone will remember you only for 'fixing' this debased animal. So propose to her by letting her know you're on board to do what she wants. And that you have bugs.

Important lyrics:

He’s just a bit of a fixer-upper

He’s got a couple of bugs

His isolation is confirmation

Of his desperation for human hugs

So he’s a bit of a fixer-upper

But we know what to do

The way to fix up this fixer-upper

Is to fix him up with you!

Not Getting Married Today

At this pivotal time it is important to reveal all of your mental illnesses and how they will manifest. This song does a lot of that for you.

Important lyrics:

… Listen everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for A wedding. What's a wedding? It's a prehistoric ritual Where everybody promises fidelity forever, Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, Which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize He's saddled with a nut, and want to kill me, which he should. Thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married Go have lunch, 'cause I'm not getting married You've been grand, but I'm not getting married Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today.

… Go! Can't you go? Why is nobody listening? Goodbye! Go and cry At another person's wake. If you're quick, for a kick You could pick up a christening But please, on my knees, There's a human life at stake!

… Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear Or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you? It isn't only Paul who would be ruining his life You know, we'll both of us be losing our identities I telephoned my shrink about it, and he said to come to see him Monday But by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage. I'm not well, so I'm not getting married You've been swell, but I'm not getting married Clear the hall, 'cause I'm not getting married Thank you all, but I'm not getting married And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today.

I Dreamed A Dream

This is inappropriate to propose with because it is about a prostitute who has her first john and it is not a good experience and now she is going to die from the fastest acting STD in all of history. Also all dreams die.

Important Lyrics:

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream

I dreamed


Finally, if you are going to propose you should let her know what a great gift, no a total miracle, she is getting. Your mommy said so.

Important Lyrics:

My mummy says I'm a miracle.

One look at my face, and it's plain to see.

Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord,

It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!

My daddy says I'm his special little soldier.

No one is as bold or tough as me.

Has my daddy told you,

One day when I'm older,

I can be a soldier,

And shoot you in the face?

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